DutchBloke
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 16, 2015
- Messages
- 145
Yea, that's the spirit!
what do you mean with 11 and 1/2 months?
what do you mean with 11 and 1/2 months?
Yea, that's the spirit!
what do you mean with 11 and 1/2 months?
Hey all. I might tell my story in full later, but as my post history suggests I was addicted to IV meth and heroin for nearly a year, and I also have bipolar. After a psychotic break from meth led me to 10 days in the psych ward, I made the painful decision to withdraw from college from the time being (I was about to graduate) and enroll in a dual-diagnosis Dialectical Behavioral Therapy IOP.
Though the DBT skills I've been learning have helped immensely in developing healthier alternative coping mechanisms rather than substance abuse and self-harm, it's been a hard and lonely path these past several weeks. At first I couldn't even look at the Bluelight forum colors without being strongly triggered, but I've reached the point where my need for fellowship (everybody else in the IOP is chronically suicidal rather than a substance abuser) outweighs the triggers, so here I am.
22 days clean from the hard stuff, not counting today. I've messed around with taking 25-50 mg ephedrine (it always makes me feel worse in the end; I just ran out today and I'm forcing myself to not buy more), and I still allow myself up to two cups of coffee in the morning, but other than that, nothing, not even a drink or a smoke. I've had a tough weekend of severe depression and it's taken all I've got to not run out and buy some Benzedrex (my DOC if I can't get meth), but the knowledge that I'll have to come clean about relapse to my support group in the IOP and the thought of resetting my sober streak, along with using the distress tolerance skills from DBT, have kept me away. But just barely. I really want to remember what it feels like, and somehow propylhexedrine and its metabolites aren't tested on the IOP's otherwise mind-bogglingly comprehensive 2-3x/week LC/MS drug screens, so all that's keeping me from using is my honor, and to be honest I don't give a fuck about honor when I'm in this state. I've already self-harmed today instead of using (which isn't any better, I know, and I'll have to talk about THAT in IOP tomorrow too, fml). I hope writing this, maybe checking in daily here too, will help hold me accountable.
Off to find something kind to do for myself to celebrate making it through another day...
when i first started i was more partial to NA but NA in memphis has a vibe i dont care for. i am working the AA steps...My first few months in recovery i didnt take the steps seriously....running on self will but i quickly figured out that me without drugs is just....me....without drugs. i was still feeling all the bullshit that came with being me so i made a commitment to the steps. i got a new sponsor and threw myself into the program. my sponsor is good about letting me work at my own pace. everything works out how it should. i feel if i had rushed into the 4th step i would have either relapsed or wouldnt have a gotten a firm grasp on everything it has to offer.Great to see two fellow bluelighters that l actively posted with in the past now sharing recovery with me. Congrats Memph and Manboy! God is good. I just wrapped up my second fourth step. I had completed a 4th and 5th in Orlando but started over with a new sponsor here in Daytona. You must be in NA Memph? AA tends to go through the steps faster. I chose AA because it is particularly strong within the sober community I live in. NA around here tends to focus more on the problem and less on the solution. Alot more relapsing also. Props to the whole bluelight sober posse. Keep on livin' the dream.