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Obsessing about heroin. Ugh.

SciCo

SciCo

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
63
Location
NJ
For some reason I have for as long as I can remember had a fascination with heroin; no clue why, really. It was never around; all my friends in the scene I was in were raver/clubber types and preferred e, coke, tina, etc. Coke was my drug of choice. Gave up drugs and never tried any opiates and just shrugged heroin off like "Oh well, the one drug I always wanted to try but never did."

4 years without drugs (give or take) and I meet an IV heroin user and before I know what's happening I've got a dude shooting up on my couch on a regular basis. And those gnawing feelings of "what's it like to shoot heroin" come creeping back hardcore.

Well, the day I decide I am going to try, is the day we get popped trying to score; basically haven't hung with the guy since and I have no easy access to heroin (I could get it I guess, but I really don't know what I'm doing.)

I smoked with him ONCE. Now I keep having dreams about shooting up. I wake up literally ANGRY because I thought I was getting high and then realize it's just a dream.

Been reading up a lot on Bluelight, and I have moments of clarity where I know that heroin will completely destroy my life and I need to step awaaaaaay. But then I get back into this zone where all I do is think about it and try to figure out how the hell I'm gonna get it and who I'm gonna do it with.

It's actually some kinda weird divine intervention that the guy mentioned above sorta disappeared on me because without a doubt I'd be a full blown addict right now. He randomly texted me last night, I THOUGHT he was on his way over with dope but never heard back from him. I thought I was in love with this guy but now all I wanna do is see him so I can get high.

Crazy? I'm absolutely miserable.
 
Well...i had an obsession with trying opiates since I was a kid bc (get this) of hearing about the opium war in China. And what happened was that I had tried and escaped addiction from all these other drugs like crack and meth and so when OCs came along,back in 2000, i didnt know that was like h. 2.5 years later, I try to score OCs and cant find any and some guy hooks me up w an ounce of h instead and I find myself addicted to sniffing it. Then I get on suboxone and start shooting it and 6 years later... I have been trying to quit ever since I tried it.

However, maybe bc u know how devastating it is, u maybe able to pay respect to it and not get carried away..kind of like how I was with meth bc I saw how fucked up a lot of ppl got on it so I literally did it like once a month to at most once a week for 5 years and when my good friend went crazy on it, I stopped. Anyway, I'm not telling u to do h or saying u won't get addicted, but there is a chance bc I have met some who have tried it a few times and stopped.

Anyway, it's not weird to have a killing and creeping curiosity. Maybe it is good this guy disappeared but I wonder if u should really be craving it to the point of misery or trying to escape. If it is out of sheer curiosity and not escapism, imo one is safer psychologically from addiction...just my $.02.
 
You need to keep thinking about how heroin will destroy your life when you are fantasizing about it. I know its hard, especially if you haven't felt any real consequences from it yet, but you just have to remember that if you keep using heroin that it will eventually get to that point... not many go along as long term IV heroin users and make it out okay.
 
I've done dope for a while and it's stupid trust me u don't wanna get caught up in that shit if you can avoid it.

Sounds like you getting arrested on the day you were planning on booting is someone trying to tell you something. You already seem to know that you shouldn't, so why even bother making yourself miserable?
 
Ive always wanted to try heroin also but several factors have kept me from trying it. (keep in mind I have never tried crack or meth) The factors are I have seen first hand what heroin addiction has done to addicts.

Use to see some of them come into the restaurant, bad situation. Your tolerance will sky rocket & who in the world wants there tolerance to go up so fast, I certainly dont. Reading alot of the stories here on bluelight kept me away from trying it as well & finally, the "needle". I hate them & dont ever wanna use needles for drug use. They disgust me & I just cant understand why someone would want to prick themselves with a sharp needle several times a day to get high, ugh....

So with all that said, I just think of what ive written above when I think I wanna try heroin & I stop thinking of it right away. No more urge.
 
It is hard to transcribe upon someone's psyche the utter traumatic experience heroin addiction is. I am a recovering addict (coming up on four and a half years clean on June 22); and I never listened to what anyone had to say.

As an addict (not implying you are; that is a conclusion you have to realize or make yourself), you tend to develop this self-delusional belief that you are unique and wont be susceptible to dependency; or that, "I can use just once" -- which turns into "I can just use on the weekends" -- which turns into a full fledged-pawning-all-your-possessions-and-living-on-the-streets scenario. But my friend, those couple of hours of nodding out wont compare to the lifetime of misery you may experience as a result of using heroin.

Personally, I've been though hell and back, and the way I look at things is like this- yes, alcohol or stimulants may not have been my drug of choice; but even risking a relapse and/or a new downward spiral is not worth it. In your case, w/ the roles reversed.. even if only 1 in 4 first time users of heroin end up addicted--is satisfying that urge to try heroin really worth the chance of losing everything- your possessions? your self respect? your family and friends? your joy? your health? your life? Trust me, it isn't like coming off of stimulants. Death seems like a welcome relief when you are in opiate withdrawal.

This is just my experience, though. Good luck! My recommendation is you distance yourself from people who are engaging in the same shit you were engaged in while using. You have to find new people, places, and things. If you don't travel a different road, you'll just keep walking up and down the same one.
 
SciCo, you remind me of someone I knew. They also felt that they wanted to just try it, because they had tried everything else and thought that it was just another drug. Well, it wasn't. Heroin was their end of the road.

IMO, meth and heroin are 2 drugs nobody should joke around with. You know full well that they are not the same as all your rave drugs. Also, I guess "tina" didn't do you in.. so do you really want to try the one other drug that is likely to get you?

Also, the fact that you DREAM about shooting up heroin, isn't that a fucking sign??!! I understand that this is a harm reduction forum, but heroin isn't a recreational drug. Unlike even with meth, people don't take heroin at raves to dance longer or at work, to improve their productivity. Ask almost anyone here on Bluelight - almost everyone will have a shocking story of themselves or a close friend who fucked themselves over, properly. Or they're no longer with us.
 
Yea man if you have the smarts to know it's bad for u then u shudnt do it, people don't get pulled into this shit cause they wanted to

I know the feeling of wanting to do it so you can say you did, but it's not worth it, when you get older the last thing that'll matter is what drugs uve tried
 
wow man your obessing this much and you've never done it?? haha your gonna get in a world of pain if you do try it... if you want to be miserable and possibly die try it

before i read this post i thought it was from someone addicted... or in recovery...
 
Go for it-then what happens?

Definitely not go for it-then what happens?

I'd listen to the rational part of myself that has a good track record of predicting results. I have a worry wart rational componant of myself that finds near everything dangerous and another rational part that just calls the odds by the best data available. Engaging some other parts as well might be good. This could be orgasm times 1000, so fuck the consequences or something like that. Among my selves that I let speak the calculator of chances of good versus chances of severe damage gets premier billing.

Looking at what similar folk have gotten following a similar trajectory seems like legitimate input in deciding things things along this line. It is all up to an individual. What is the best part of those things leading one's choice? I'm fascinated by cobras yet am not ready to get real involved with them. Opiates are good stuff for some people but to what extent and for how long? If you do move towards heroin please learn all the basic and intermediary harm reduction info available beforehand,
 
I felt the need to update this thread since I appreciate everyone's replies and didn't want anyone to think their words fell on deaf ears. I think more than anything, my original post was a need to vent/share thoughts. I had pretty much made up my mind I was going to try heroin, and as soon as the opportunity presented itself, I did. I have used about 7 times over the course of I guess 10 ten days. Haven't had any for a week.

Do I wish I hadn't? Not really. Will I use again? No idea. Definitely would encourage anyone to avoid it. I realize I sound very nonchalant about a very serious drug. That in and of itself is a problem.

Anyway, I really appreciate this forum, and the people on it (been mostly just reading for the past couple months). So. Thanks, everyone.
 
TearItDown said:
A heroin addict that used to be my best friend tried to ruin my life. Stay away from heroin. Do not make me share my story...
Click to expand...

Believe me, I hear you. The past two months of my life have been insane, and not even directly because *I* am using, but just because someone I care about is using like crazy. Pure hell. You'd think just seeing what this person goes through and what I have been going through being associated with this person would be enough to keep me from ever even considering trying. Unfortunately, I had a whole bunch of issues/substance abuse problems before I even met this person and I wasn't sane enough to walk away. Instead I got sucked in.
 
SciCo said:
Believe me, I hear you. The past two months of my life have been insane, and not even directly because *I* am using, but just because someone I care about is using like crazy. Pure hell. You'd think just seeing what this person goes through and what I have been going through being associated with this person would be enough to keep me from ever even considering trying. Unfortunately, I had a whole bunch of issues/substance abuse problems before I even met this person and I wasn't sane enough to walk away. Instead I got sucked in.
Click to expand...

Ingrain it into your mind that it is something you should never do.

I've never actually had the strength to share my entire story. It's like the shit you'd see in a movie. Backstabbing, lies, deceit, deception...worst of all I signed a lease with the child a mere month before he started heroin, got hooked, and decided to become the biggest gaping asshole this side of the mason dixon.

to make a long story short: he used LSD to manipulate my girl and turn her against me. he told me he wanted to "reset her".
 
I can only imagine what you went through with this person, although I am starting to truly realize the insanity that goes along with heroin addiction, and the devastation it leaves in its wake.

I just don't know how to extricate myself from this situation I am in right now, and since I DID start using, it's even more difficult.
 
I'll be honest, my connection was not around the past week. Made plans tonight, was supposed to hang tomorrow and get high, but I said the wrong thing (why are addicts so insanely sensitive????) and the person got pissed off and now I think I'm shit out of luck. So moral of the story is, I planned on getting high, my connect ditched me, and now I'm shit outta luck. Or maybe I'm lucky and it just feels shitty at the moment.

I'm having enough probs with alcohol and alprazolam. Why I added heroin into the mix makes me question my sanity.

OH, edited to add, you are SO right that I am using to distract. I have some major issues I'm having a rough time facing.
 
SciCo, in my opinion there is still time for you to turn this around before you become completely addicted. You've tried heroin, you've satisfied the fantasy and the curiosity, you've only been using for, what, 2 weeks? Perhaps now that you've lost your connection for this week (blessing in disguise much!!) , and you acknowledge that you've got some underlying problems that you need to face which are leading you to use in the first place, perhaps you can use this opportunity to abstain from using any more heroin and try to get your life back on track?? What do you think? Have you ever seen a therapist about your alcohol and benzo use?
 
There's no reason why it would be too late to stop now if you make that decision. It's never really too late but you're still very early into it.

If alcohol and benzos have stopped providing you with the comfort/distraction that you're seeking then it's likely that the same thing will happen with heroin with continued use. And then you'll just have one more monkey on your back to deal with.

You've used it enough by now to know what it's effects are so there's no more experimentation necessary for that. It's up to you what you do next but don't believe any thoughts that tell you it's already too late so you might as well just continue.
 
SciCo, if you don't quit for yourself, think about your friends and family. Heroin is a plague. A plague that washed over my life (and is thankfully gone for good). I may have to go to court to fight the dope-head ex best friend because after I moved out of our apartment, he TRASHED it, and TRASHED the building basement. He literally turned into a human garbage pile. I call him garbage head.

Don't be a garbage head.
 
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