'Now'

So, I woke up at 4pm and struggled for 3 hours until the meeting started. I raised my hand lettin' folks know I had 24 hours or less of being clean and sat through the meeting. It was tolerable.

After the meeting... fuck, man...

I was talking to a girl, Donna who has 19 years clean and my sponsor, Henry (who just celebrated 19 years yesterday). Honesty is important to me in affairs of stuff like this (when Im tryna get high, honesty isn't on the list). I let them know that I am unsure of my commitment and was kinda afraid.

They spoke to me like they had timewarped back to the days when they were using and then came back. They remembered this 'lifestyle' real well.

Donna said, 'So what's your plan for tomorrow? How ya gonna get through?'. I didn't have one and she helped me come up with a simple plan of calling a coupla folks tomorrow to stay on track. I gave Henry a hug and told him I would call him tomorrow.

Donna stepped right the fuck up and said 'So, where ya headed off to? What are you going to do?' I didn't have an answer. 'Home' was what I said but she knew what that meant.

'Why you rushing off to nothing when there are about 15 people here chatting it up? You're running off to be by yourself. The longer you sit with yourself the more time you'll have to come up with some ridiculous caper to get high.' She was right.

So, we kept talking and Henry pointed out that its a miracle that I was at a meeting. This means that I WANT to get clean and that I am asking for help. I am indeed asking for help but...

I started shifting around and playing with my water bottle. Donna tapped Henry on the shoulder and said 'See how he's shifting around? That obsession is comin' back.'

She looked at me and said, 'Maybe you need treatment?'

'I've been thinking about it and think it might be necessary'

Donna looked at Henry and asked 'Can you drive him to the facility tonight?'

TONIGHT?!?!!?!? Now I'm scared.

Donna tapped a button on her phone and asked if there were any beds available tonight and I wanted to run.

I came up with some excuses but we all know what our excuses add up to, just a bunch of nonsense to avoid responsibility.

We kept talking and the sincere care, the 'no fucking around with this' attitude and the FEELING I got from these two people.

Everything they said made perfect sense and it all applied to me but, NOW?

'What are you thinkin' about right now' Henry asked.

'Two forties of malt liquor' was how I replied. 'I don't want to seem ungrateful, guys, I am overwhelmed with the fact that you are taking time from your in-progress lives and trying to help me, but tonight? I have paraphernalia laying at my spot in the open and I CANNOT have my mom coming to my place to see that.'

'Not good enough. You call one of us when your in there and we'll swing by and get that shit gone for you.' (Donna don't fuck around it seems)

'This is an OPPORTUNITY for you man! You have two people here that want to help you, take it man. I can tell you, you keep doing what you're doing and we may never see you again. You don't have to live like this anymore. You're asking for help, right? Please take it, you may never get another chance' Henry added

I told them that I would do it tomorrow and was able to leave filled with guilt that I was being ungrateful. Feeling like pride was fucking with me again.

They knew what I was going to do...

On my way to the store to get my cheap alcohol, i called someone I respect for their opinion. I am in agreement with everyone tonight but I simply can't go to rehab tonight.

When getting high, its all about 'Now'.

Tonight, 'Now' scared the shit out of me.

So, what am I gonna do? I'm going to honor my word and respect that folks care about me and are WILLING to help (even when I only want it in a half-assed manner)

Tomorrow, I'm gonna clean the apartment and take the steps to do this. Treatment again is what I need to do.

I do believe NA can help me stay clean but I do not believe NA can get me clean.

I feel ungrateful. I feel like a loser.

I'll get to the right spot soon enough... just not 'Now'

 

Okay, you know you're not a loser. They put you on the spot, and while they meant very well that is not what works for you. You need to be the one that goes into treatment, when you're set. It sounds like you're ready, but go on your own terms, not theirs. With your head held high, as you aught to.

And when you get out again, hug them both and thank them for giving you the last nudge that you needed.

(and let us know when you do check in, so that we don't wonder where you went, m'kay?)

 

yeah, they get it and even mentioned it 'I wish we could beat you and drag you there but you aren't ready yet so nothing will work until you ready'

I feel like I did pass on something that yeah, would be horrificly uncomfortable and sudden, but that would pass. Overall it would have been truly wonderful

Now I'm sitting here drinking malt liquor and realizing more excuses not to go. I think they knew what they were doing and foresaw these doubts.

Donna said, 'getting clean never comes at a convenient time' (or something along those lines). They knew

Imma going to keep everyone up to date. I know if I disappeared people would think the worst. I can't treat good people like that.

I'm very selfish and self-centered (the core of the 'disease' they say) but I ain't that guy. If I can avoid causing pain, I will.

It bothers me that I will be, once again, living cozy and protected when others are out and living their lives and struggling.

Enough from me tonight... no drunken posts for me.
----------------
oh well, here's more...

Donna knew some real deal shit. When I told her I couldn't have my mom seeing my stuff laying around she simply said 'I'm a mother and I can tell you that your mom would much rather you be in the hospital getting well than slamming those spikes in your arm'

She went on and said 'Do you think your mom hasn't noticed the change in you? You most likely have her very worried right now'

The power of a mother is well... POWERFUL

I promise... no more alcohol induced entries from me

 

How do you feel about all this today?

 

Well, its scary but I gotta do something. I'm no longer functional. (I stayed in bed until 5:30pm today wide awake mostly)

I got rid of all the bottles in my spot and threw away all my spikes (except 1)

Treatment is necessary, I believe

I'm no different than any other man/woman wrapped up in shit. I've done some things and I don't wanna keep running from thinking about them

 

Good luck in whatever you choose OD. I know I have been in that situation where help was offered to me and I would look the other way. It is crazy how caring people are at meetings I have met so many great people but I still distance myself from them. The reason I do that is I guess I am afraid if I truly get to know them or vice versa it would ruin my meeting experiences. Total cop out but I guess it works.

I have been kinda struggling with booze lately it seems like I have to go out and get drunk fri or sat or mon, sometimes wend. I hate it truthfully and mainly I do it for a social aspect. Yeah sitting in a bar solo pounding beer is real social seedless.

Hopefully you will choose what is best for you. Keep us updated.

peace.
seedless

 

Thanks bagochina, i know you've been through it pretty harshly and I have GREAT respect for your progress.

I hear ya about drinking. I've been substituting with it daily and I gotta say, the social aspect of drinking is probably the only good thing about alcohol.

I hope your classes are going well, man. What's your major?

 

psych ha

peace.
seedless

 

i hear psych is HARD. Well done, man. I hear the internship later in the education process is the one single thing that makes people change their majors. (i have since forgotten the reason why it is so difficult)

Dude, I choose you to be my shrink when you get licensed!

 

Update: I have 102 days clean and my clean date is 2 days after this original entry (09/23/10)

Donna just called me (she does every now and then) and we are hitting a meeting together tonight in a different area than what we are both accustomed to. i have a HUGE crush on this woman and I suspect that she is aware of it

We'll see!