-medication makes me a lot better. I'm usually less depressed and almost never suicidal.
-I have a bf who with the relationship is a lot of work at times, I suppose I pick a lot of the same difficult personality types but I care for him quite a bit.
-My ex has moved on and I realise I still love him. All he could talk to me about and torture me with is how perfect his new gf from North Carolina is. Apparently she is going to move here to be with him. I cry often lately about it. I feel horrible that I do because 1. I THOUGHT I moved on....and 2 I certainly isn't fair to my current bf. I miss the abusive ass. I guess when you lose who you are and give everything you have to one person you feel a lil upset when they are no longer there or give a damn about you, even 6 months later.
-I'm pretty much clean. I occasionally will pop a couple extra painkillers for my severe headaches, 2 birds with one stone. But I actually need the medication so I can't do it often. I don't use Tramadol or Soma anymore. I rarely even drink. Neither does the bf...
-I'm working again. Back at a grocery store a half hour away. I'm glad just to have a job again. Plus they are pretty much letting me do everything on my own. A who lot more responsibility and stress. But I feel that I might be assertive enough to say when enough is enough. But thank god I work. I do kinda like it and the hours are currently GREAT for me.
-Still don't know how to cope. All my coping skills are pretty much maladaptive. If I can't do any of those I just bawl my eyes out. Damn personality disorder still haunts me and causes problems in my relationship with the bf. He knows that its based on the fear of abandonment. I guess its time to get serious about getting into therapy. I can't seem to do it on my own. But I have no luck with therapy. Its painful, I resist it, it will take years to change the set personality characteristics. Anyone know any "self-help" books with Borderline Personality Disorder. I can read in a textbook what it is and know that is me to a T, but I can't seem to fix it.
-Today has been a pretty tough day emotionally. Fighting with the bf can be very draining. I'm smothering again...I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall when it comes to relationships, its not just the emotional distance of my ex. I desire so much affection that just being together isn't enough. I missed my meds the other day so that can send me for an emotional tailspin. Please don't think this is how I am. I a MUCH MUCH happier than I have been in a long time.
-Sadly it makes me wonder if maybe my ex could love me now...I need to let go but I have so much anger and sadness that I hid and swallowed and denied, even to myself. I want him back and cry sometimes because he pretty much told me he was all I had, I feel guilt about it, and I can become angry about how he is now or what he did to me or the time he took I can never get back. I don't know how to deal with anger. Am I horrible for wishing harm or misery like I suffered or revenge?
-I'm still in school. I should be graduating spring 2010. (Although I wonder if I can even find a job in my field and its just all a waste) At the moment I'm rather uncommitted to it. Taking classes I hate and feel like I don't really have to try. But attendance is rather required. I didn't go half the time at Central when all I had to do was walk across campus. Now I have to drive about a half hour. Tonight bf and I fighting kept me from my first class. I wouldn't leave until it was resolved and we were able to leave on decent grounds. I'm not sure if I should give him space or just keep up contact to be sure he knows that I care. Maybe I should just ask huh?
-Still living with my parents, although I often stay with Sean. I NEED to get out!! I can't stand it here. My parents went into my locked room, my mom found my key and thought apparently that gave her permission to use it. I was pissed. I feel that it should be MY space. Not that I really have anything to hide anymore. But my brother is still often emotionally abusive, threatening to harm me if I don't do what he wants, or do something, often I do nothing wrong and he goes off. Even my parents see it, sometimes I'M the one yelled at for making him mad. I'm afraid of him, he hits me, even though my parents never do when he threatens or hits my mom, I will call the cops. I want to move out but I can't get the things I need. Not with paying for school, driving and needing my medication. I won't make it if I have to go without it. I hope at some point Sean and I can move together. Going to be a LONG time from now seeing how he is...but what do you expect? I just don't want to and don't think it would be wise to be alone. It would allow me to fall into depression and what not.
-And not eat. Sean gets after me. I'm not sure what is the issue. I've had my blood looked at 3 times for thyroid issues. No such luck. Could it be another medical problem? Should I be making an appointment. Sean's scale says I weigh 96 pds, the one at work says 99, either way I weighed more in 7th grade than I do now. Thats not good. Sean sees now severe it is...He worries, and often will encourage me to eat. I don't think my ED is back. I don't usually think I need to lose weight, usually I see myself realistically.
-Oh on that note, my self-esteem usually is better. I have started to whiten my teeth, Sean's has a tanning bed I can use, I cut my hair and try to at least do a few nice things for myself. Some days I ACTUALLY feel pretty. I have tried to take control of my own life and my own mental health, ALTHOUGH this blog doesn't sounds like I'm doing very well. Like I said it was a bad day.
-Medically I don't know what the issue is. I get what the Dr's don't know what they are. Sinus headaches or tension headaches. I've had a MRI but it just showed a sinus infection. I have one about every other month. Appt about that?? Maybe I'm a hypochondriac, my mom thinks I am. Sean sees the pain I am and worries. He also hates that I bitch about it so much and there isn't shit he can do about it. It seems like my hair is starting to fall out again. Maybe my imagination? Last time that happened I determined I did 't sleep enough and my stress level was too high and changed schools. What now? *sigh* Maybe I should just make an appt for peace of mind. God knows.
-Wow this blog turned into a downer and I didn't intend for it to be. I guess that's a tough day for ya.
-Hmm I can't think of anything else at the moment. ANY advice on these issues is MORE than welcome. Those of you that are allowed to read this are trusted friends with my best interest at heart. Much love all. Please know I really am doing MUCH MUCH better than I used to be MOSt days, this isn't one of them. Damn I shouldn't blog on days like this. Makes ppl see this as emo bs.
Currently listening:
The Sound Of Madness
By Shinedown
Release date: 2008-06-24
-I have a bf who with the relationship is a lot of work at times, I suppose I pick a lot of the same difficult personality types but I care for him quite a bit.
-My ex has moved on and I realise I still love him. All he could talk to me about and torture me with is how perfect his new gf from North Carolina is. Apparently she is going to move here to be with him. I cry often lately about it. I feel horrible that I do because 1. I THOUGHT I moved on....and 2 I certainly isn't fair to my current bf. I miss the abusive ass. I guess when you lose who you are and give everything you have to one person you feel a lil upset when they are no longer there or give a damn about you, even 6 months later.
-I'm pretty much clean. I occasionally will pop a couple extra painkillers for my severe headaches, 2 birds with one stone. But I actually need the medication so I can't do it often. I don't use Tramadol or Soma anymore. I rarely even drink. Neither does the bf...
-I'm working again. Back at a grocery store a half hour away. I'm glad just to have a job again. Plus they are pretty much letting me do everything on my own. A who lot more responsibility and stress. But I feel that I might be assertive enough to say when enough is enough. But thank god I work. I do kinda like it and the hours are currently GREAT for me.
-Still don't know how to cope. All my coping skills are pretty much maladaptive. If I can't do any of those I just bawl my eyes out. Damn personality disorder still haunts me and causes problems in my relationship with the bf. He knows that its based on the fear of abandonment. I guess its time to get serious about getting into therapy. I can't seem to do it on my own. But I have no luck with therapy. Its painful, I resist it, it will take years to change the set personality characteristics. Anyone know any "self-help" books with Borderline Personality Disorder. I can read in a textbook what it is and know that is me to a T, but I can't seem to fix it.
-Today has been a pretty tough day emotionally. Fighting with the bf can be very draining. I'm smothering again...I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall when it comes to relationships, its not just the emotional distance of my ex. I desire so much affection that just being together isn't enough. I missed my meds the other day so that can send me for an emotional tailspin. Please don't think this is how I am. I a MUCH MUCH happier than I have been in a long time.
-Sadly it makes me wonder if maybe my ex could love me now...I need to let go but I have so much anger and sadness that I hid and swallowed and denied, even to myself. I want him back and cry sometimes because he pretty much told me he was all I had, I feel guilt about it, and I can become angry about how he is now or what he did to me or the time he took I can never get back. I don't know how to deal with anger. Am I horrible for wishing harm or misery like I suffered or revenge?
-I'm still in school. I should be graduating spring 2010. (Although I wonder if I can even find a job in my field and its just all a waste) At the moment I'm rather uncommitted to it. Taking classes I hate and feel like I don't really have to try. But attendance is rather required. I didn't go half the time at Central when all I had to do was walk across campus. Now I have to drive about a half hour. Tonight bf and I fighting kept me from my first class. I wouldn't leave until it was resolved and we were able to leave on decent grounds. I'm not sure if I should give him space or just keep up contact to be sure he knows that I care. Maybe I should just ask huh?
-Still living with my parents, although I often stay with Sean. I NEED to get out!! I can't stand it here. My parents went into my locked room, my mom found my key and thought apparently that gave her permission to use it. I was pissed. I feel that it should be MY space. Not that I really have anything to hide anymore. But my brother is still often emotionally abusive, threatening to harm me if I don't do what he wants, or do something, often I do nothing wrong and he goes off. Even my parents see it, sometimes I'M the one yelled at for making him mad. I'm afraid of him, he hits me, even though my parents never do when he threatens or hits my mom, I will call the cops. I want to move out but I can't get the things I need. Not with paying for school, driving and needing my medication. I won't make it if I have to go without it. I hope at some point Sean and I can move together. Going to be a LONG time from now seeing how he is...but what do you expect? I just don't want to and don't think it would be wise to be alone. It would allow me to fall into depression and what not.
-And not eat. Sean gets after me. I'm not sure what is the issue. I've had my blood looked at 3 times for thyroid issues. No such luck. Could it be another medical problem? Should I be making an appointment. Sean's scale says I weigh 96 pds, the one at work says 99, either way I weighed more in 7th grade than I do now. Thats not good. Sean sees now severe it is...He worries, and often will encourage me to eat. I don't think my ED is back. I don't usually think I need to lose weight, usually I see myself realistically.
-Oh on that note, my self-esteem usually is better. I have started to whiten my teeth, Sean's has a tanning bed I can use, I cut my hair and try to at least do a few nice things for myself. Some days I ACTUALLY feel pretty. I have tried to take control of my own life and my own mental health, ALTHOUGH this blog doesn't sounds like I'm doing very well. Like I said it was a bad day.
-Medically I don't know what the issue is. I get what the Dr's don't know what they are. Sinus headaches or tension headaches. I've had a MRI but it just showed a sinus infection. I have one about every other month. Appt about that?? Maybe I'm a hypochondriac, my mom thinks I am. Sean sees the pain I am and worries. He also hates that I bitch about it so much and there isn't shit he can do about it. It seems like my hair is starting to fall out again. Maybe my imagination? Last time that happened I determined I did 't sleep enough and my stress level was too high and changed schools. What now? *sigh* Maybe I should just make an appt for peace of mind. God knows.
-Wow this blog turned into a downer and I didn't intend for it to be. I guess that's a tough day for ya.
-Hmm I can't think of anything else at the moment. ANY advice on these issues is MORE than welcome. Those of you that are allowed to read this are trusted friends with my best interest at heart. Much love all. Please know I really am doing MUCH MUCH better than I used to be MOSt days, this isn't one of them. Damn I shouldn't blog on days like this. Makes ppl see this as emo bs.
Currently listening:
The Sound Of Madness
By Shinedown
Release date: 2008-06-24