Also, you're right about me not being constructive. It was one of the worst critiques I've written. But I'd love to be more specific. Here goes:
I'm so fucking tired.
There are definitely stronger opening constructions. The verb is weak and “so fucking” is vague, though I understand it sets a tone.
My blood is soaking wet
“Soaking wet” is a cliché. Also, it is meaningless to say that blood is “wet,” because that is inherent in the image of “blood.” Maybe you could go for a fresher description of the image, like frozen blood or something.
I'm hiding from the world under a fucking blanket,
“Hiding from the world” is a cliché phrase, though I understand you are trying to qualify it with a specific image, which does work in some ways. At the very least, I would advice against using “fucking” twice in such a short piece (or any strong or memorable word, really), unless you have a specific scheme for the repetition. If you're going for repetition, it's important to commit; either use "fucking" over and over and over again, or don't use it more than once.
I don't want to witness reality's fury and I don't want to hide from my nothingness. It's as is my insignificance is the only thing keeping me from releasing the bondage of self, realizing that life would go on anyway.
“Reality’s fury” is vague and a bit melodramatic. It has very little grounding in imagery, and is really just an abstraction. “My nothingness” and “my insignificance” are similarly meaningless, for they are not clarified in any way. “The bondage of self” sounds cliché. And the clause “realizing that life would go on anyway” is interesting, but I don’t understand what it means. In fact, the whole sentence sounds like it means something awesome, I just wish I knew what it was; it has to do with the way in which you convey it to the reader. Also, note the echo of "hide"/"hiding".
This cellphone adds to my nihilism, flat space playing at being a keyboad, QWERTY style.
This part is awesome. Again, though, you have a vague “my” phrase: “my nihilism.” Like the other two, it doesn’t do very much work for the piece. But the cellphone image is good. Note that in the construction “flat space playing at being a keyboard” (which is a great phrase) you have two competing verbs: “playing” and “being.” Obviously, “playing” is the stronger verb, so the clause could easily be rewritten: “flat space playing a keyboard.” The action is much clearer that way.
Reality roars outside, reminding me who's boss.
“Reality” is vague. I wouldn't sacrifice meaning for a trick like consonance. Also, “reminding me who’s boss” is a very familiar phrase.
It seems I'll never escape when the something shits all over my nothingness.
The ending is, if anything, characteristic of the poem. I like that the last verb is “shits”. That’s pretty original and specific. Otherwise, this ending doesn’t enlighten the reader in a way apart from the rest of the piece, and doesn’t clarify any aspect of what has come before. It simply maintains the repetitive abstractions that the piece relies on.
OVERALL:
Samael,
I feel like you know what this poem means, and know all the specifics. And I bet it’s the makings of a great work. I just wish I could read it. The way in which you have presented a lot of your ideas isn’t clear enough. Abstractions really only work when they are qualified with specific imagery. Maybe as an exercise, you should write a poem comprised entirely of images, no matter how trite.
I like a lot of your other poems on Bluelight, but this one definitely fell flat for me. I personally find that around 70% of the poems I write completely suck. The key seems to be writing lots and lots of poems, and writing every day, so that the remaining 30% is sizeable. The rest of the poems should be tossed, or kept to yourself for therapeutic value (if they serve that function). Strive for perfection. Always.
-leiphos
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")