... someone in TDS suggested keeping a journal would help, so I figured I'd use my blog on Bluelight. I've always been better at keeping up with blogs than I have actual journals, so.
I start Intensive Outpatient on Monday. I really should have done this yesterday and given my system more time to get rid of the dope, but I highly doubt they're going to scream and yell and kick me out of the program for failing my very first drug test. I mean, MOST people show up to these types of things already dirty. I think they know that when a drug addict knows they're going into a program where they can't use, whether it be detox or rehab or outpatient, they're going to give themselves one last hoorah.
Anyway, I bought one last .4 yesterday, and I just finished my last shot a few hours ago, at 6:30 pm. It's barely 9 pm, and already I've had to fight off thoughts of picking up more and doing it *just one last time*...
UPDATE: Well, I started writing this way earlier. As I'm writing this, it is exactly 12 am, and I already went and fucked up and copped. I KNEW I should have spent all of my money! I'm so sick of doing this to myself. I'm seriously SO disappointed in myself right now. Why is it so goddamn easy to justify buying "just" one more? "Well, I don't start inpatient until Monday, and I'll have all day tomorrow and until 6 pm Monday to detox, if I do it all tonight that should be fine, and it's not like they're going to expect me to show up clean on my first day anyway!"
^ THAT... is how freaking easy it is to justify this shit. Hell, I can justify myself while I'm there if I really wanted to, I'm sure. AND THAT IS WHAT SCARES ME! I'm TOO good at justifying copping "one more time". Maybe it will be easier once I actually start inpatient and the threat of three-times-weekly drug tests and homelessness if I don't pass are RIGHT in my face.
I sure hope so...
I don't know if I can stay clean, but I'm sure as hell going to try my hardest. What I do know, is that I'm going to walk into that facility on Monday with a very open mind and eager to get EVERY SINGLE THING I CAN out of that day's group. I don't care if I'm new and those other drug addicts and those counselors are strangers and I don't know anyone from Abraham Lincoln and don't want them to know my personal business... if speaking up and sharing something personal is what I feel I have to do at the time to stay clean, that's what I'm going to do damn it! Fuck! I need this sobriety! And I am SO mad at myself for failing already... WITHIN ONLY FIVE FREAKING HOURS! I mean, come on... five HOURS?! What is that shit?!
You know, before now I was incredibly pissed off that most of my days would be spent at this facility. It's 6 days out of the week, every day except Sunday. Now I'm GLAD most of my days will be spent there, because I am making it my mission to get everything I possibly can out of this godforsaken program so that I can maybe possibly have a LITTLE BIT OF HOPE at changing my godforsaken stupid life! I will even put my all into family nights, and I hate family nights... I DREAD someone saying something my mom doesn't know and her finding out about it and kicking me out! If she ever knew I did heroin... OH MY GOD I would be out of this house faster than it would take me to cook up a shot! Or even say the WORD 'heroin'! She thinks I'm trying to get all this help - these detox centers, rehab facilities, and counsellors - for Suboxone (which I got on for Vicodin), and that I'm "having trouble tapering off Suboxone" and so that I'll be "confident I won't relapse on painkillers". She knows nothing about my use of hard drugs, and she can't know, because she has made it very clear that if I get addicted to "anything else ever again" (other than my past addiction to painkillers), I'm out of a place to live. Once, she found some gear in my room, but she didn't find any rigs and therefore didn't fully know what she had found - just that it was drug related, although heroin was her first guess since my dumbass came home from rehab talking about it a lot, whereas I had never talked about it before then - and I barely dodged that bullet by making up some dumb excuse as to why they were there... an excuse that had nothing to do with me, of course. But she was still royally pissed off. So needless to say, I am scared shitless of family nights. I don't think anyone will purposely say anything, but someone might innocently make a remark in passing about heroin and address the other heroin users, or one of the counselors might say something to her (because they're APPARANTLY allowed to tell her if I relapse and what I relapsed on... another reason why relapsing is SO NOT AN OPTION... which by the way pissed me off when I found out they would tell her but that's another story for another day, and I really need to talk to them about that), or I don't know... something. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but hey, anything is possible.
Moral of the story: I don't know how the fuck I'm going to go through 16 open-forum-type group family nights without my mother somehow learning about what I do. God. I'm so petrified of this happening. I need to start typing about something else now.
Actually you know what, I'm just gonna stop typing altogether right now. I'm so pissed off! I'm pissed off at myself for getting myself into this mess to begin with and for fucking up tonight and for not just quitting when I had the chance, at the people in the outpatient program who I don't even know yet but for the possibility of them slipping up and accidentally saying something wrong, at the piece of shit person who introduced me to heroin in the first place and for introducing me right away via IV and making me jump into the deep end, at the people who sold it to me every time I went out to cop for making it so easy, at the intensive outpatient program for declaring to me that they would tell my mother if I relapsed and therefore making me worry all the time that they'll tell her I use dope anyway any time they fucking feel like it, at my mother for not understanding addiction and making it so difficult for me to confide in her and for making it so I'm too scared of her to just trust her with my damn problems, at society for stigmatizing heroin to the point where people like my mother even react to heroin addiction this way in the first place, and at the world in general... just for being so fucked up and cruel and soulless.
I'm angry at everything and everyone. I'm rambling. I'm too pissed off to make sense. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm done with this blog, so ta-ta for now. Will update tomorrow when I ACTUALLY QUIT FOR GOOD.
First thing in the morning, I'm heading out to buy cigarettes with the rest of the money so that I absolutely cannot cop again. I can make up bullshit justifications until I'm blue in the face, but I'm pretty sure they won't make money magically appear in my bank account. And if I don't have any money in my bank account, I can't go cop. Plain and simple.
Okay for real now THE END.
I start Intensive Outpatient on Monday. I really should have done this yesterday and given my system more time to get rid of the dope, but I highly doubt they're going to scream and yell and kick me out of the program for failing my very first drug test. I mean, MOST people show up to these types of things already dirty. I think they know that when a drug addict knows they're going into a program where they can't use, whether it be detox or rehab or outpatient, they're going to give themselves one last hoorah.
Anyway, I bought one last .4 yesterday, and I just finished my last shot a few hours ago, at 6:30 pm. It's barely 9 pm, and already I've had to fight off thoughts of picking up more and doing it *just one last time*...
UPDATE: Well, I started writing this way earlier. As I'm writing this, it is exactly 12 am, and I already went and fucked up and copped. I KNEW I should have spent all of my money! I'm so sick of doing this to myself. I'm seriously SO disappointed in myself right now. Why is it so goddamn easy to justify buying "just" one more? "Well, I don't start inpatient until Monday, and I'll have all day tomorrow and until 6 pm Monday to detox, if I do it all tonight that should be fine, and it's not like they're going to expect me to show up clean on my first day anyway!"
^ THAT... is how freaking easy it is to justify this shit. Hell, I can justify myself while I'm there if I really wanted to, I'm sure. AND THAT IS WHAT SCARES ME! I'm TOO good at justifying copping "one more time". Maybe it will be easier once I actually start inpatient and the threat of three-times-weekly drug tests and homelessness if I don't pass are RIGHT in my face.
I sure hope so...
I don't know if I can stay clean, but I'm sure as hell going to try my hardest. What I do know, is that I'm going to walk into that facility on Monday with a very open mind and eager to get EVERY SINGLE THING I CAN out of that day's group. I don't care if I'm new and those other drug addicts and those counselors are strangers and I don't know anyone from Abraham Lincoln and don't want them to know my personal business... if speaking up and sharing something personal is what I feel I have to do at the time to stay clean, that's what I'm going to do damn it! Fuck! I need this sobriety! And I am SO mad at myself for failing already... WITHIN ONLY FIVE FREAKING HOURS! I mean, come on... five HOURS?! What is that shit?!
You know, before now I was incredibly pissed off that most of my days would be spent at this facility. It's 6 days out of the week, every day except Sunday. Now I'm GLAD most of my days will be spent there, because I am making it my mission to get everything I possibly can out of this godforsaken program so that I can maybe possibly have a LITTLE BIT OF HOPE at changing my godforsaken stupid life! I will even put my all into family nights, and I hate family nights... I DREAD someone saying something my mom doesn't know and her finding out about it and kicking me out! If she ever knew I did heroin... OH MY GOD I would be out of this house faster than it would take me to cook up a shot! Or even say the WORD 'heroin'! She thinks I'm trying to get all this help - these detox centers, rehab facilities, and counsellors - for Suboxone (which I got on for Vicodin), and that I'm "having trouble tapering off Suboxone" and so that I'll be "confident I won't relapse on painkillers". She knows nothing about my use of hard drugs, and she can't know, because she has made it very clear that if I get addicted to "anything else ever again" (other than my past addiction to painkillers), I'm out of a place to live. Once, she found some gear in my room, but she didn't find any rigs and therefore didn't fully know what she had found - just that it was drug related, although heroin was her first guess since my dumbass came home from rehab talking about it a lot, whereas I had never talked about it before then - and I barely dodged that bullet by making up some dumb excuse as to why they were there... an excuse that had nothing to do with me, of course. But she was still royally pissed off. So needless to say, I am scared shitless of family nights. I don't think anyone will purposely say anything, but someone might innocently make a remark in passing about heroin and address the other heroin users, or one of the counselors might say something to her (because they're APPARANTLY allowed to tell her if I relapse and what I relapsed on... another reason why relapsing is SO NOT AN OPTION... which by the way pissed me off when I found out they would tell her but that's another story for another day, and I really need to talk to them about that), or I don't know... something. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but hey, anything is possible.
Moral of the story: I don't know how the fuck I'm going to go through 16 open-forum-type group family nights without my mother somehow learning about what I do. God. I'm so petrified of this happening. I need to start typing about something else now.
Actually you know what, I'm just gonna stop typing altogether right now. I'm so pissed off! I'm pissed off at myself for getting myself into this mess to begin with and for fucking up tonight and for not just quitting when I had the chance, at the people in the outpatient program who I don't even know yet but for the possibility of them slipping up and accidentally saying something wrong, at the piece of shit person who introduced me to heroin in the first place and for introducing me right away via IV and making me jump into the deep end, at the people who sold it to me every time I went out to cop for making it so easy, at the intensive outpatient program for declaring to me that they would tell my mother if I relapsed and therefore making me worry all the time that they'll tell her I use dope anyway any time they fucking feel like it, at my mother for not understanding addiction and making it so difficult for me to confide in her and for making it so I'm too scared of her to just trust her with my damn problems, at society for stigmatizing heroin to the point where people like my mother even react to heroin addiction this way in the first place, and at the world in general... just for being so fucked up and cruel and soulless.
I'm angry at everything and everyone. I'm rambling. I'm too pissed off to make sense. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm done with this blog, so ta-ta for now. Will update tomorrow when I ACTUALLY QUIT FOR GOOD.
First thing in the morning, I'm heading out to buy cigarettes with the rest of the money so that I absolutely cannot cop again. I can make up bullshit justifications until I'm blue in the face, but I'm pretty sure they won't make money magically appear in my bank account. And if I don't have any money in my bank account, I can't go cop. Plain and simple.
Okay for real now THE END.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
