nothing left to say

[Utahrd]

I just told my dad that I have nothing left to say to him. I said "you fucked up, thats all I have left to say to you". I feel bad for him, I do, his wife, and his kids, and his extended family, all hate him, he's not a bad guy, he just... isn't all there. He's a spore print of what a person is supposed to be, if you will. His humor just never makes anybody laugh. He has no romantic ability (hence the recent divorce).

My mom just left us one day, pretty sure it was on Christmas, but who remembers the worst parts of our lives in vivid detail, right? I don't remember when it was, it was like 4-5 years ago, and it probably had something to do with my mom buying christmas presents, and my dad criticizing her for getting too much stuff.

It was always the comments about the roast beef. No shit. I remember the family sunday dinners the most when I think about my family. "this tastes pretty dry" was the comment I remember the very most. My dad was always finding something to advise and criticize about my mom and things she did for us. She would get immediately upset, and seeing that made my appetite diminish ever so slightly. Every. Fucking. Time. What a happy little family.

Then, mom would pull herself together and pretend that everything was ok. For us kids. She did that for us, and it nearly killed her with all the xanax she ended up taking later in life.

This is boring, even to me, so I'll stop now. But I have got a bone to pick with family, religion, antidepressants, and people who suck.

On the plus side, it was fun to watch all the front row hardstyle hoes practice their illest faces at the meowingtons hax tour in Toronto (on netflix). God those hoes have the illest thizz faces.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Family is tricky. I've certainly had my issues with mine. Some of it bravado, some of it legitimate. But when I was without a pot to piss in they were there for me. It's easy to identify a certain party as the undisputed villain especially in familial situations. Of course I don't know the whole story so here's some fairly generic advice and a little conjecture. Your pops might have his own side of the story, he might have been hurt just as much as you by your mother's flight. You'll most likely feel better and relieve some tension if you approach your dad with an open heart and talk about things. Pod person he may be he's still human. On another note you never know when the last time you'll ever talk to a person will be. If you leave things rough with somebody and god forbid they pass it hurts more than anything you're feeling right now.

Side question. Your user name being what it is and the bone you're picking with religion is it safe to assume your family is LDS? I don't have any personal experience with your familiy's faith but from bits and pieces I gather they tend to assume a rather conservative, near fifties lifestyle. This might have something to do with the emotional constipation from your dad, especially if he was raised in a similar environment. Just a thought.

 

[stardust.hero]

I can identify with your post almost identically Utahrd. The dinners "the steaks a bit chewy". My father always left my mother to plan the family vacations. She always did a good job and we were a positive family (i think) for the most part so it was always fun. One year we made enough to take a bigger Disney vacation. She planned it, found the best deals on tickets and hotels, got us right inside the park. She's a worrier (for obvious reasons I'm sure you can identify) so she always plans things months in ahead. This vacation was no different and she planned it for the end of August (the time of year my dad had a week off of work). It was a pretty serious hurricane that year and it down poured for 7 days straight through the entire vacation. No need to go into much detail but I knew the weight was unnecessarily on her shoulders for no reason and the tension was terrible. During a particularly heavy and cold downpour we decided to go into one of those really overpriced inside the park taco stands and I remember the tension was so thick at our table nobody even had to say a word I freaked, literally through the taco bowl and stormed out and began crying outside. (I knew I looked to passerbyers like one of those kids who didn't get what they wanted and were crying, which was even more weird because I was like 15 lol). But I can definitely 100% identify with you.

Good for you for doing something to help. The weight of his problems whatever they may be shouldn't be carried on your shoulders.

 

[Utahrd]

Thanks guys. Yeah, my parents are in their 50's and I grew up LDS. I didn't really want to make it about that though, I knew a ton of good LDS people, and bad. I wish my memory wasn't so poor, so I could remember the specific examples of what made me so angry about church. Sacrament meeting felt really disconnected from reality, failing to acknowledge real human emotions and behaviors, failing to address what was really going on in peoples houses. Priesthood meetings were good though, there was some good content there that I appreciated a lot. Eh, if I could change the username I would, I meant it to mean "etard from Utah" lol.

We would all have assignments to bless the sacrament, like saying a prayer word for word over some bread and water, into a microphone for everybody there to hear. If you screwed it up, the bishop would walk over and correct you, and you would have to stop where you were and start over. A lot of guys my age didn't like to do it, and they would skip out when it was their turn, so I ended up doing it all the time. I got real sick of that and refused to do it anymore. Then I quit going entirely.

I think I tried to get the "bad" kids to go to church when I was in 7th grade, and I never got them to go, they just made fun of me for it. Seriously, I was that kind of kid. That was the year I decided there was no chance I was going to serve a mission, not with that kind of response to proselyting lol. Even two years ago I would sit there and try to convince other people to quit smoking heroin, or tell them to just take one E pill instead of 5.

No trolling here, just the truth. I'm 22 years old, and I went to church every sunday until I was 16, I was baptized in the church. So it is an enormous part of who I am today. Even a shroom farmer I used to know told me that he wouldn't trade his mission experience for anything in the world, because "it helped make me who I am today". When your sense of identity gets thrown off that much, it fucks with your head.

When we were younger, my mom would tell us that her and dad weren't going to get divorced, but she kind of always got this look on her face after saying that, the look that said "are they buying it?" There's always that shifty-ness you can sense when somebody is lying to you. As far as the moms in our neighborhood went, my mom wasn't a very good interior decorator. If you've ever seen one of "those" homes that has a lot of artsy crafts everywhere, you know what I mean(wooden cutouts, painted faces, holiday themes, twine for hair, rusty little metal stars). She had all this pressure to be a certain kind of wife, as in stay at home, don't go to work, be a homemaker, pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen. And she wasn't that kind of person. We had two kids and most of the families around us had at least 4. She was an attorney, she worked her way through school, and she grew up on a farm doing hard labor every day. Women were not supposed to be working, that was the man's responsibility.

From what she told me, she went back to working full time when my sister was born, because my dad quit/lost his accounting job, so she didn't get to spend nearly as much time with us as she wanted to the whole time we were growing up. Look at me complaining! White people problems.

I need to find a way around this and move on in life though, people have told me I have a really warped view on church. It's true, the beef is with people I grew up going to church with, and I have this perception (real or false) that they did me wrong, or were hypocrites, or were "sinners". I knew some people my age who had sex before their missions, and then had to come home early because they felt so guilty about it. I judged them for it, I probably shouldn't have. One of those guys is my age, but he's already half bald, and I'm pretty sure he has ulcers, all from the stress of growing up in a really strict environment, religiously, academically, etc. That's the kind of stuff that really is wrong, it's wrong as hell to stress your kid that much. There's worse things out there though, guess you have to pick your poison.