not working.

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

I still find myself every now and again,
sitting in the same red bar stool
I used to sit on every night
two winters ago.
I'd sit there and wait for that
fucking phone to ring,
to hear his voice on the line,
telling me he was coming home.

I would get such a strong feeling
of anticipation
in the pit of my stomach
every time that phone rang.
Then the feeling would
fade into dissapointment.

I wouldn't allow myself
to sit there any longer,
ripping myself apart with the
why is he doing this to me?
questions...
And just before my eyes
flooded with tears
I got beer to go home with
and stumbled into the night.

I would get so drunk,
that at that point,
I didn't care that he wasn't
sleeping in my bed.
And frankly,
I didn't give a damn
if he was in someone else's.

Then I would wake up-
sad- wishing he was there with me-
wondering if he fucked some whore.
Then I would just get so drunk again
so I didn't have to think about it.

There's only so many times
you can be let down though.
At one point you just
stop expecting things.

I don't want him to
think he broke me.
I've been like this for years.
I've got this image that
I stand proud- I stand strong.
I'm an emotional mess inside.
This body is the only thing
that is keeping me together-
So I don't fall apart
at the human eye.

He had this way about him-
He had this way to make me
smile so fucking bright.
but it was usually washed away
by the salty stream of tears
and the black mascara.

We'd sit on the couch
in our second apartment,
watching movies-
sharing the dinner I wanted to prepare.
And sometimes
I'd have to get up to go to the bathroom
and fan my hands in front of my eyes
and splash water on my face.
And the continue with dinner.

Truth is-
I don't know why I'd
just about start to cry.
I think it was because
I loved that fucking kid
so, so much.

I don't know if he knew it.

And after it all fell apart,
he told me he was scared maybe,
of getting hurt again.
We all have our reasons,
known and unknown-
And I don't hold any of it
against him.

Sometimes though,
I just get so sick of asking myself
what I could have done.
I'm sick of standing in front
of that goddamned mirror-
seeing those half sunken red eyes
and making a crooked smile.

He used to make me smile.
I miss that smile.

We tried...
nothing less of hard.
Sometimes things just don't work.

 

[cherub]

Oh hun, I am surprised this went that far to the second page without a response. It is good to see you post and more importantly that you are walking your own walk and starting to heal it seems. YOu are missed and your work is missed in this forum.

THis is one of your best maybe for me cause i feel i can understand and relate to this piece at one point in my life and knowing i got through it and moved on, makes me at least smiling, knowing you too will get through this and more. You are a strong person.

*Big hugs*

 

[Dekloren]

It's always hard to let go, but once you get yourself on the right path, it doesn't seem so hard.

Good luck!

 

[E-girl]

One of your best pieces. It pretty much summarized this whole relationship in a nutshell. so vividly, perfectly, and with just the right about of emotion.

i'm going to assume this is about ryan. and i want to say something. it might be long. this might be about someone totally different. but bear with me. i think you will catch what i'm saying.

Truth is-
I don't know why I'd
just about start to cry.
I think it was because
I loved that fucking kid
so, so much.

I don't know if he knew it.

you said it yourself... that's exactly why. and i've soooo been there. and jen - he knew it. he still knows it. i talked to ryan not that long ago and he asked about you, and i thought it was weird b/c usually when ryan would say something about you, he always made it out to seem like he didnt give a shit, and that it was a one-sided love. but when i asked - why do you care? so you can keep fucking with her head? and he said no, i was just thinking about her, and wondering how she was..... and that touched me. it was sincere and honest, and it was so sweet that i got goosebumps. he told me a lot of things about your relationship was dramatized, but that one sentence, wondeirng how you were... it was completely honest. and i gave him a point for that.

there's a guy named dennis that i used to work with. total player. when i first started working at Fridays dennis was my trainer and i was still with justin, and when justin started working there dennis was encouraging justin to be an asshole to me. about a year later dennis started dating one of the sweetest girls i work with ... totally innocent girl... and we all thought it was an odd match. i knew he would hurt her, and he did, but she might have been the only girl he ever loved in his playboy life. and when he lost her, it destroyed him. i watched it. he came in to the bar last week, and its been over a year since they broke up, and he was all fucked up and asking about her, and his friend that he was with, who also works with me, siad he couldnt stop him from coming there. he was determined to see her. so its a year after the fact and the truth comes out -- love can haunt, torture, and consume even the biggest toughest guys in the world. the heart doesnt forget.

when i read this, i saw my relationship, past and present, with justin, to a T. he was always letting me down too... making promises and breaking them. disappointing me. we've started to talk every now and then as friends, if you want to call it that, and one night a few weeks ago i was asking him to come support me in a competition that i'm in. he promised to come and i said, dont promise if you're not sure, if you disappoint me again i'll never speak to you again. he said when have i ever done that. i started digging up a bunch of old poems on BL and he was wowed. he didnt know what to say. he promised me every time i talked to him that he would still come, right up until a few days ago, and i even left him a voicemail yesterday reminding him.

and do you think he showed up? no.

i left him a message today saying "Thanks for breaking your last promise to me. I knew you would." cuz of course he was too much of a pansy to fucking answer. and i wasn't kidding this time. this was the last promise he broke.

be grateful for one thing... that you are strong enough as a person to be able to let go of ryan and move on... even though there are times like this when you get nostalgic and alcohol gets the better of you. memories dont die and they will keep coming back to haunt you, but i find that your future with that person depends on which memories you allow to be meaningful to you... if you reflect on the happy times and say they outweigh all the bad, then you can continue to have a friendship that is unbreakable. but if the memories that continue to surface are the ones that tear you apart like you are reliving them over and over and over.... then the only person they can ever be to you.... is a monster.

 

[Jay_Arel]

And then there was this girl...who sat on the bar stool waiting for me to call...but i was out working doing something I thought at the time was going to give us a great life together....working a job I knew I could make alot of money at to buy her the things that she wanted...and that I wanted to give her....everything in the world....not realizing all she wanted was for me to be there with her...I was so fucking stupid....I didn't want to dissapoint her and didn't want her to think I was worthless....but never realized that where I was did nothing but tear her apart....like so many other things I did...Every day as much as I would feel like a failure because I didn't make the sale or couldn't buy her what she wanted....I was determined I wouldn't stop until she had everything she ever dreamed of....and now I see what it really was....and I had it there to give to her....but I was too blind to see it and realize she didn't want the mansion on the hill or the benz in the driveway....she just wanted us the way we were.....which I would live every day of my life for....but I blew it.....I never thought I broke you...but for truth...you broke me....you made me a much better person and made me realize what love truly is....I just wish i would have seen it sooner....I fucked up and I can never take it back....I wish i could...but I've learned alot.....I've learned love only comes rarely......and it's hard to let go...I wish I could still make you smile....and I wish I could do that 25 hours a day.....and I wish I could still hold you in our bed....and tell you how much you really mean to me....(which I never did enough)...just to tell you how beautiful you are and how you did so much for me....and I"ll never forget you...I couldn't if I tried....and every night I would come home to an awesome dinner and a movie already set up to watch...so we'd eat and then just lay together until the static would wake us from such a beautiful sleep....only to go lay in OUR bed.....wrapped around each other until the morning when you would complain I stole all the blankets....and you don't think I knew you loved me...I knew all too well....but sometimes doubted it....because you were too perfect....and yeah....we had our fights and I called you a bitch and you told me I was an asshole...but you were everything I ever wanted....and yes I was scared...and I fucked it up becasue of that....I was scared that you were everything I ever wanted and I was only going to lose as always...so I pulled away....and just fucked it up myself....way to go again Ryan.....you once again managed to blow one of the greatest things in your life....and actually....the greatest thing in your life....fucking idiot.....it wasn't your fault...there was nothing you could have done....it was me....my fears kept me away from you....and it has now become the biggest regret of my life....we had our differences....but you did the world for me....WE didn't try....YOU did....and I let you down....I just wish now I had the chance to do the same that you did....because I would never let you feel pain again as long as you lived........I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL>>>> ....and I don't give a fuck if I sound lame or corny.... you were my best friend.....and the most amazing person I have ever met.....and I miss you...

BUTTON>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

[Jay_Arel]

And PS...Amy...until now almost everything you've ever posted has been true....UNTIL NOW....you know alot of me and my past....and how I've always been....and I appreciate what you said in the beginning of your last post...but this time i'm not the monster....I know you find it hard to believe....and you also Jen.....but i'm not that same asshole anymore....and I don't ever want to be that person again....so I therefore won't be .....I want something real.....something I've only had a grasp on once....just briefly enough to make me realize there's alot more to life then my stupid old tricks....and I had what was real and let it go....and now will do anything to get it back...

I once knew love but it didn't know me
Know I'm lost in this forrest but I can't find a tree
But she came to me once when I was sick and in bed
Said never she'd leave me, we'd have Nivah instead.....

I still await the day to make all right....and live up to all my promises...
I'm ready if you'll ever give it a chance...Mass effort....and I have alot of making up to do....I Love you..............sorry.........

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

When I first wrote this...
it was just intended to get a few frustrations out...
it was a mass jumble of words.
And it's been a while since I wrote.
So of course,
it was confusion over so many things
going on at the present time.

I didn't intend on it to be as emotional as it really turned out to be.
And it's not even the words I wrote,
that struck up this sadness in me.
It's the reply.

but I was too blind to see it and realize she didn't want the mansion on the hill or the benz in the driveway....she just wanted us the way we were.....which I would live every day of my life for....but I blew it...

ALL of the times,
I sat here and cried my eyes out
because my words weren't heard,
just read,
I wasn't badgering you.
I wasn't downing you.

I just wanted you too see
how important you were to me.
And how much of all this meant.

But now,
that you took a step back
you finally realized it.

You finally realized it.
What I have been trying to say.
And even though
it may be too late,
as the saying goes...
better late than never.

Showing the meaning of love...
Mission Accomplished.



Ryan,
I don't believe Amy was referring to you as a monster.
I believe, correct me if I'm wrong, what she was trying to say is:
Sometimes you have to sort out the mess that was left, or you left.
And you have to realize that even if you decide to leave it where it lays...
as long as you can forgive and forget, and the good outweigh the bad, then you can try to continue a friendship.
BUT
if you keep letting the bad outweigh the good... and it surfaces all the time... the only person I (Or someone else) would see is that person who did all these bad things... THE MONSTER.
And you'll end up forgetting how good of a person they really where.
Because you can only see the bad.

because you were too perfect....

...that's all i ever wanted to hear.

I once knew love but it didn't know me
Know I'm lost in this forrest but I can't find a tree
But she came to me once when I was sick and in bed
Said never she'd leave me, we'd have Nivah instead.....

...it's Nevaeh (arel).

 

[Dekloren]

Whoa