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not wanting to be myself... or hating my reality.

T

thoughtsanonymous

Greenlighter
Joined
May 4, 2013
Messages
14
There are days, (nights rather) while struggling with insomnia that I wish I had an escape route from myself, or rather, my circumstances.
Example:
I am completely broke. My only source of income at the moment is an item I am desperately trying to sell on craigslist. My phone bill is due tomorrow, and my car insurance company apparently never received the previous month's payment.. now that will be c ancelled tomorrow, too.

At this point, I don't want to own my name, you know? I HATE my life, I HATE my circumstances, I don't want to be me.
I have enough dead friends to not use suicide as an option, so here I am crawling under my skin because I don't want to be "the me" that can barely
survive and has bills piling up and no hope.
I feel like at times I just miserably try to float through the day, dodging my own name and its repercussions I cannot escape.
I'm too ashamed or feel like I'm not taken seriously when I say "I'm OVER IT " because all I ever get is some fake as hell excuse as to how everything always works out.
I work two jobs for 5 years, live frugally and am still scraping by, living paycheck to paycheck. Then I end up medicating the hopelessness into apathy, a dull whine in the back of my mind that doesn't sting or frustrate so bad.
I want to fall of the grid and not be "me".
I guess what it really comes down to is money. Don't tell me its bad spending habits, if you saw my montly budget sheets you wouldn't find any room for frivolous activity.
So change what you don't like, right?
I am, but my great change is still a year off. I feel like I can barely accomplish my change with the way things are, and I feel horrible worrying other people about my. Problems, which is why I've posted anonymously.

So how do you feel?
 
I'm going to move this to the appropriate forum.

Homeless --> TDS
 
So, instead of hating myself, angrily jog through my neighborhood until the only pain I feel is in my legs?

Haha.

Is that what works for you?
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Can I ask why you don't like being yourself?

I used to hate being me, but I have learned how to love myself over time.
Click to expand...

Sure, captain. Mostly what I'm trying to convey is how... my name "jane doe" for instance, depicts or reflects something i'd rather hide from.
On company databases, me being "jane doe" is the person who didn't pay her cell phone payment, or the person who is associated with a debt that at this point is out of my control. Does that make sense? My identity, I guess? Is therefiore, who I "am", whicih at the moment Idont want to be. If my name was "jenny doe" I wouldn't be associated with these issues.

I guess i hate myself because i am intelligent, mature, adventurous and intuitive,yet my current life suffocates this person
Confession time? I live in a house of losers. Literally, socially awkward, asshole, un motivated potheads who love their weed and videogames and tv and that's all.
I know I'm better than all of them, have more life, school, and work experience to go places and be successful. While I am working on putting myself first, I have a family history of mental illness as well as substance abuse. How do Isay no to the bongrip when that's the only way I'm going to sleep, or have an appetite, or avoid a panic attack? When I have no family support or health insurance.to be diagnosed or treated. During my sober 8)times, mainly at work, I'm distressed that I live my life day by day, trying to ignore the obvious.
 
And like I said, i am in the process of moving myself to a different country to pursue my worldy aspirations, but this is still a year out. But I'm stuck in this house of people I dislike and think less of, but as a result have in a sense turned myself into one of them.
 
^OP said they work 2 jobs; but i can see how cash can be that tight. I was out of work for like 2 years and man shit was rough. Either jump companies and find higher paying jobs if possible or move elsewhere. Where i live you can get by on a minimum wage job, live in a decent place in the city and still survive, maybe not with a car but using public transportation. I'm not sure what things are like where you live but don't let idea that you are stuck get to you. Things do change, a year ago i was a broke piece of shit, now i have prospects, just hang in there and try to change things up as much as possible and learn to love yourself. Trust me i know i want to switch identities i am in so much god damn student loan debt that if things don't work out for me then i am stuck in a deep hole for the rest of my life.

instead of working two jobs to get by, you have to develop skills that you know will land you a higher paying job, often that involves school and qualifications but once you look into it, they aren't that hard to get and pretty soon after a gas/oil company, bank, or whatever company or industry you like can pick you up easily and you will make more than enough money depending on what you go out and learn and are capable of.

i felt pretty shitty when i got thrown into collections and they hounded me down for money; the good thing was that i have NOTHING to lose so they can't take shit from me. Living off the grid helps with this greatly, you can fuck over the bank/government constantly and just make money tax free and no one knows any better. That's my ideal plan in life as i hate the corporate world and shitty jobs.
 
When I'm down and out I watch any reality program where that peoples lives is way worst then mine then I feel totally better lol. Sorry I don't have a solution for you but they also say “every dark cloud got a silver lining” Good luck!
 
thoughtsanonymous said:
Sure, captain. Mostly what I'm trying to convey is how... my name "jane doe" for instance, depicts or reflects something i'd rather hide from.
On company databases, me being "jane doe" is the person who didn't pay her cell phone payment, or the person who is associated with a debt that at this point is out of my control. Does that make sense? My identity, I guess? Is therefiore, who I "am", whicih at the moment Idont want to be. If my name was "jenny doe" I wouldn't be associated with these issues.
Click to expand...
I understand what you mean. Money issues can be a huge hardship these days.

My advice is to take pride in who you are as a person, and remember that there's nothing better than being yourself and enjoying it.

Have you tried getting help for your financial problems?
 
I am wondering if you are going to live in the third world? I lived in the third world while I was growing up (Nigeria) and it definitely put a new paradigm in place for me when it came to feeling "poor". I still feel stress about money, and we also live paycheck to paycheck, but it is really important not to overfeed the sense of being a victim of your circumstances. I always try to think of ways to put things in a different perspective when I find myself feeling trapped or resentful. I think that nurturing the ability to appreciate whatever circumstances you find yourself in, or at least cultivating the ability to find happiness despite bad circumstances, is probably the single most valuable skill to learn in life and it will certainly prepare you for the some of the inevitable headaches associated with living abroad.

It sounds like you are hardworking and motivated and that you know how to make a budget. Beyond that all you can do is to adopt a more forgiving attitude towards yourself and try to re-frame things in a more positive way. Where are you moving?<3
 
Yes, RedLeader, I do work, the main issue is I only get paid at the first of every month. So on the 1st all my cash is allotted to it's prospective bills, and if something comes up, (like new tires needed) then I'm basically down for the count until the following month.
 
RobotRipping said:
^OP said they work 2 jobs; but i can see how cash can be that tight. I was out of work for like 2 years and man shit was rough. Either jump companies and find higher paying jobs if possible or move elsewhere. Where i live you can get by on a minimum wage job, live in a decent place in the city and still survive, maybe not with a car but using public transportation. I'm not sure what things are like where you live but don't let idea that you are stuck get to you. Things do change, a year ago i was a broke piece of shit, now i have prospects, just hang in there and try to change things up as much as possible and learn to love yourself. Trust me i know i want to switch identities i am in so much god damn student loan debt that if things don't work out for me then i am stuck in a deep hole for the rest of my life.

instead of working two jobs to get by, you have to develop skills that you know will land you a higher paying job, often that involves school and qualifications but once you look into it, they aren't that hard to get and pretty soon after a gas/oil company, bank, or whatever company or industry you like can pick you up easily and you will make more than enough money depending on what you go out and learn and are capable of.

i felt pretty shitty when i got thrown into collections and they hounded me down for money; the good thing was that i have NOTHING to lose so they can't take shit from me. Living off the grid helps with this greatly, you can fuck over the bank/government constantly and just make money tax free and no one knows any better. That's my ideal plan in life as i hate the corporate world and shitty jobs.
Click to expand...

Lucky, lucky you. I reside in california, in the san francisco area (HIGH COST OF LIVING) and love my day job. I'm in the process of learning a new language and will be returning to school to become an english teacher.
Canada was actually my first option, I really have a penchant for Vancouver, but after looking into the canadian government's qualifications or requirements for immigrating or getting a work visa, I don't match up with the work fields canada is currently trying to fill. :| Also, without family support and rent to pay, everytime I've attempted to go back to school, I fail at it horribly, because sleep is a higher priority than a textbook. Plus honestly, I consider the U.S. school systems to be a joke in addition to our government.
 
herbavore said:
I am wondering if you are going to live in the third world? I lived in the third world while I was growing up (Nigeria) and it definitely put a new paradigm in place for me when it came to feeling "poor". I still feel stress about money, and we also live paycheck to paycheck, but it is really important not to overfeed the sense of being a victim of your circumstances. I always try to think of ways to put things in a different perspective when I find myself feeling trapped or resentful. I think that nurturing the ability to appreciate whatever circumstances you find yourself in, or at least cultivating the ability to find happiness despite bad circumstances, is probably the single most valuable skill to learn in life and it will certainly prepare you for the some of the inevitable headaches associated with living abroad.

It sounds like you are hardworking and motivated and that you know how to make a budget. Beyond that all you can do is to adopt a more forgiving attitude towards yourself and try to re-frame things in a more positive way. Where are you moving?<3
Click to expand...

Hi, Herbavore, yes you called it. I am disenchanted with america and want out. I grew up travelling around and have had it instilled in me that there's so much more to life than existence in America, alone. Currently I am studying Japanese and plan to move there, but have also considered Thailand.
Everyday I find something to be grateful for, even if it's just being grateful the day is over, and am trying to, like you said, let go of the past and forgive myself. I know that yesterday is done and irreversible, but yes I definitely struggle with self forgiveness. I'm hoping that in addition to actually living life in more cultured places, and ditching the stoner household I can afford to live in, I will actually re-connect with myself and have a higher appreciation for life.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I understand what you mean. Money issues can be a huge hardship these days.

My advice is to take pride in who you are as a person, and remember that there's nothing better than being yourself and enjoying it.

Have you tried getting help for your financial problems?
Click to expand...

Yes, and they say to not worry about it because I'm blacklisted for the next 7 years here, anyways. Really encouraging. So I'm trying a different field with higher pay, higher job demand and lower costs of living to attempt to have some money behind my name. Just leave my life here and start over and immerse myself in a different lifestyle and culture.
 
thoughtsanonymous said:
Yes, and they say to not worry about it because I'm blacklisted for the next 7 years here, anyways. Really encouraging. So I'm trying a different field with higher pay, higher job demand and lower costs of living to attempt to have some money behind my name. Just leave my life here and start over and immerse myself in a different lifestyle and culture.
Click to expand...

Well it sounds like you have a plan and are following through on it. The fact you are working now is also good! So many people able to work are unemployed these days, it's rather disheartening.
 
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