The feeling I have is like falling off the edge of a cliff in slow motion. There are handholds I can grab onto, so I will occasionally, but without much effort as I know that they won't hold out for very long and I'm going to keep falling.
Everything feels abstract now. I can't take any potential path in life seriously. I have a Good Education and a Successful Career. I spent such a large proportion of my life building that and it feels like it was for nothing. The only thing I want to spend my money on is drugs, but even that handhold I don't really believe in. I spent most of my life motivated by love and the idea that I could have a partnership and a family like my parents have. But the evidence so far suggests that I'm not built to be with another person. I've never been happy in a relationship, even though I've spent most of my adult life within them.
When I was younger I was always motivated by something to work towards. I don't feel that way about anything now.
My only friends are people who I do drugs with. I've lost any other friends I've had over the years. Not that I was ever terribly close with any of them anyway. I've only been very close with my girlfriends, and they got sick of me and my calculator-head eventually. My relationships ended because of how I am, not because of anything I did.
I've been in a state that at least resembles dysthymia for the last two-and-a-half years or so, during most of which I was in a relationship, but it hasn't improved now that I've been single for half a year. It's independent of active drug use as I was mostly abstinent during that time, and for a good four years prior.
I've been taking stupid risks lately, unnecessary ones. It makes me feel something. The drugs do too, but it's very fleeting.
I've tried both exercise and therapy but neither of them changed anything. I've considered SSRIs but the idea of being on any drug every day scares me, and it would be sad to lose the strong emotional response I get from my unadulterated joys (novels, video games, dreams). Sometimes I even fantasize about daily opioid use, but I'm not at that point of recklessness. I've considered doing social physical activities like mountain climbing or something but I don't really want to do that, so I would be spending my time play-acting.
What do you do when you feel like there are no good options, that whatever way you go you would just be going through the motions? I would love to hear from someone who has been through something similar, and what they did to attenuate it.
Everything feels abstract now. I can't take any potential path in life seriously. I have a Good Education and a Successful Career. I spent such a large proportion of my life building that and it feels like it was for nothing. The only thing I want to spend my money on is drugs, but even that handhold I don't really believe in. I spent most of my life motivated by love and the idea that I could have a partnership and a family like my parents have. But the evidence so far suggests that I'm not built to be with another person. I've never been happy in a relationship, even though I've spent most of my adult life within them.
When I was younger I was always motivated by something to work towards. I don't feel that way about anything now.
My only friends are people who I do drugs with. I've lost any other friends I've had over the years. Not that I was ever terribly close with any of them anyway. I've only been very close with my girlfriends, and they got sick of me and my calculator-head eventually. My relationships ended because of how I am, not because of anything I did.
I've been in a state that at least resembles dysthymia for the last two-and-a-half years or so, during most of which I was in a relationship, but it hasn't improved now that I've been single for half a year. It's independent of active drug use as I was mostly abstinent during that time, and for a good four years prior.
I've been taking stupid risks lately, unnecessary ones. It makes me feel something. The drugs do too, but it's very fleeting.
I've tried both exercise and therapy but neither of them changed anything. I've considered SSRIs but the idea of being on any drug every day scares me, and it would be sad to lose the strong emotional response I get from my unadulterated joys (novels, video games, dreams). Sometimes I even fantasize about daily opioid use, but I'm not at that point of recklessness. I've considered doing social physical activities like mountain climbing or something but I don't really want to do that, so I would be spending my time play-acting.
What do you do when you feel like there are no good options, that whatever way you go you would just be going through the motions? I would love to hear from someone who has been through something similar, and what they did to attenuate it.