not sure where I'm going with this but here it goes

I think I decided to make this blog for myself and any one who reads it feel free to comment. I wanted to kind of keep track of my progress as I deal with this anxiety stress and depression and a place to put down my thoughts and feelings. So here it goes

I am a middle aged closet abuser of neurontin. I've only abused it 4 times. I'm high on it as I write this. I want relief from reality. This past couple of months have been hell. The anxiety is getting out of control. I sit all day and obsess over all that's happened and I cannot seem to accomplish even the smallest of tasks. Cleaning house laundry and just daily activities aren't taking care of. I feel so Damn defeated before I even start. I figure why the hell even try because no matter how hard I try to have a "normal" life it's not gonna happen. May be later on I'll go into greater detail about the events that caused all of this. Anyway that's where the Neurontin comes in. It helps me to temporarily bury my problems and makes me feel like things are ok. Burying my problems doesn't have any benefit at all but I've been doing it most of my life. Its almost instinctual now.
I've been wanting to see a therapist lately. Even that idea creates a lot of anxiety and it scares the hell out of me thinking about confronting these issues. I feel that's the only way things will get better. Instead of hiding from them. I'm usually a very happy person but I'm having a hard time being happy now. This really fn sucks when reality is so troubling and it's all to real. I still desperately cling to the hope that things will be better some day. Which is a good thing. But most days feel like that's all that's keeping me from spiraling down deeper and deeper.

To be continued.......

To anyone who reads this wish me luck in getting into a therapist and thankyou for taking the time to read this

Why does reality have to be so fn real....

 

You will never be sorry for choosing to face your problems/issues/whatever you are scared of. I think you will find that as difficult as it is to initiate the process, the process itself becomes so rewarding that you will cease to think of it as anything but relief. I think of life as being a constant process of self-creation. Things that make you get stuck like fatalistic thinking and anxious thought patterns or self-hatred in the form of negative self-thoughts, are all subject to change. I wish you all the luck in the world in finding a decent therapist. Don't settle for any that are either too simplistic, judgmental in any way or simply do not offer solid practical tools that you benefit from. More than luck though, I wish you courage and faith.

 

Courage hope and faith