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Not sure where else to go with this.

60units

60units

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 24, 2010
Messages
40
Location
Richmond, Virginia
long time reader, first thread if I'm remembering correctly

A little background; I've been using opiates for about 4 years. Started with percs and vicodins orally before I even started smoking and over the years things progressed (digressed?) to sniffing OC's, dillies, roxy's, etc. There have always been other drugs in the mix but opiates have always been first and foremost. About a year and a half ago I started shooting up. I shot coke, ketamine, molly, some research chemicals; but mostly heroin and other opiates.

I met a girl who at first, was alright with my shooting up. Hell, she would even draw water into my rig while I broke down my dope for the shot and watch me get off. We ended up dating and going off to college together just about the same time heroin really started taking control. I was selling to younger kids to support my own habit, robbing people, stealing; I guess I don't have to tell you guys what a junkie does for a fix I just want to make a point of the position I was in.

I went through withdrawals in my dorm bed and promised her I wouldn't shoot up. When I came home for Thanksgiving break and then again on winter break I ended up using and lying to her about it until she found out later. Spring break I used and lied about it, she doesn't know about that. We came back this summer and I couldn't stop myself. I'm back on opiates doing about a dilly 8/a couple bags of heroin a day, not a huge habit but I still have tracks.

One of these days she's going to see the bruises and the tracks. We've talked about it and if she found out I was using again she would leave. I mean it's not like we're married, it's been about 10 months together but we've been close friends for years, I honestly have no idea what I would do without her. I legitimately care about this girl.

I'm feeling completely helpless, every one of my close friends in this city is addicted to painkillers, alcohol, benzos, you name it. I feel like I don't have anybody to turn to, anybody to talk about this with. A close friend died shooting a morphine sulfate, a close friend is facing 40 years for filling fake prescriptions, several college dropouts, a few rehab failures, all because of the drugs. I have no idea why I can't convince myself to get clean or at least stop shooting up. I want to stop hiding my tracks from her. I want to be able to look my parents in the eye.
 
you got to figure out SOME way to quit. I know its hard but basically right now its either her or the drugs. You know it. Only you can decide which means more to you.

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you gotta quit. Trust me u remind me of myself. Find your way
 
If you truly want to quit but can't manage it yourself, rehab is the answer I believe. What kind of health care do you have? If it's under your parents, there's almost no hiding it from them, but if you've independent HC, you can detox and get clean without telling anyone, including your girl.

But you have to quit for yourself, like booyaa said, it can't be for another person or it won't last. As true as you think this relationship is, girlfriends are fleeting...your life is not. It will always be you and yourself against all the odds in this world.

Quitting is the right step, no doubt, but you have to do it for yourself and really want it, again, for yourself or it won't work. Best of luck, man.
 
booyaa makes a good point. I agree in principle, but perhaps this is the impetus that you need to get clean? Have you looked into treatment options in your area? Subs appear to work quite well from what I've heard, although I've never had the 'pleasure' myself. Perhaps if you're honest with her, you can try to sort out a taper schedule?

In the end though, you need to want to quit for you. If she provides extra motivation, then all the better, but you should want to quit even if she left for it to truly stick.
 
It's hard having to hide your entire lifestyle from somebody. For me it feels like a weight on my shoulders that I can forget about at times but other times the pressure seems to build.

I tend to agree with those who mentioned how important it is to want to do it for yourself. It's hard to maintain or even initiate change when it's feeling forced.

Unfortunately having to hide things does have an impact on relationships, even if she never finds out.

Anyways, the decision is yours. My own preference at this point is to be honest with somebody I meet as soon as possible to find out if my lifestyle is an issue. But I've also missed out on potentially good relationships because of this. Figure out what matters most to you :)
 
We all know its you that has to wanna quit but it sure does help when you know there are loved ones waiting on the other side for you once you've quit & they have their arms wide open ready & willing to help. Thats an incentive in itself & it definitely helps but like everyone said, its gotta come from within, meaning you gotta look at the man in the mirror & say, enough is enough!

Good luck bro!
 
I'm back on opiates doing about a dilly 8/a couple bags of heroin a day, not a huge habit but I still have tracks.
Click to expand...

I don't know what huge is, but that is pretty significant and hard to hide. Are you sure you are not in denial about your habit?

Based solely on what you said, it sounds like you are going to lose her if you continue. We hit consequences on the way down to our bottom.
Have you thought about a methadone clinic? You could do that and get honest and get her behind you and helping you with moral support and getting honest at the same time. she is obviously important to you and you are concerned about your habit already.

Not all people have to lose everything before they stop.

I could not do it by myself. I had to ask for help and I got it. Think about it.
 
To be honest, I'm spoiled as far as support goes and I don't take advantage of it. I live with my parents over the summer when I'm not at school and they're aware that I have some sort of drug problem but I don't think they know the extent. They have paid for me to see a drug therapist for about 3 years now but he keeps everything between us. I have a naltrexone prescription but he won't give me suboxone because of the abuse potential of buprenorphine. My problem isn't quitting so much, I've never had much of a problem with severe withdrawal symptoms. My biggest problem is the psychological hole it leaves. After abusing opiates for nearly a quarter of my life, I have trouble being satisfied without them.

Quitting for myself is something I've always struggled to justify. Though it has cost me more money than I would like to admit, opiates have never really been a problem in most aspects of my life. I've always maintained good grades and a job, I have a decent relationship with my family and a great social life. I just don't see it hurting me, which I guess is ignorant or maybe just me convincing myself I'm okay when I'm not but I don't know how else to make myself regret my decisions apart from my girlfriend.

Having said that I hate what it's doing to my relationship. Lying to her is the last thing I want to do but I find myself telling her I can't hang out for some reason or another to hide pinpoint pupils and bruises from tracks. Thanks for the replies guys I really appreciate the support. Bluelight is really a great community.
 
it seems totally plausible that some peoples bodies dont make enough of particular chemicals, so we might go after them to compensate once we have found 'a source'. you sound a lot like myself, and many other people who can keep it at bay, or can actually be a "chipper", but its there in all its glory - heh...
:-\

personally though, i have a markedly dangerously-low natural tolerance, which im lucky enough to observe, discovering ive had a chronic pain disease brewing my whole life-lol-helped me make some sense of my draw to some opioids - this i doubt in all sincerity is the case for yourself - but to recognize that we do produce the stuff, or else, and that its activity does instigate other chemical process's to occur, annnd that you may only be trying to compensate in what you have learned to be the easiest way - finding out how to instigate this process in a healthy way is doable and needed.

once i began to understand this for myself, and my lil Ol pain levels began to subside, further access to me did begin - and we are capable of more then we know everyday.

i like to try and imagine opiates as a dog now... our best friend (am a cat person really but) - they do stay by our side, they will protect us and 'help' in their own ways. a dog can also easily turn on you, and bight your hand as you feed - they can teach us patience and empathy, something comforting to come home to which is always as is, and give you the confidence of an owner or master; until we go chasing after them to places we wouldnt ordinarily go, or feel lost with out them.

having bruises and tracks w/e, and thinking about my wife at the time became very difficult, i had to imagine what i would honestly think if the situation was reversed, and how my body was hers also - but there i was with that shit on and in me., and the realization i was disrespecting much more then myself(which is plenty).
-----
IDK man, this stuff helped corner me in a good way once i found my own way out.
 
I ended up getting a prescription today for 8mg suboxone film. It definitely curbs cravings but that's probably because I'm shooting it...I'm going to try to start using it orally this week. Thanks again everybody
 
I felt like suboxone made my habit worse bc it lowered the negative consequences when I ran out of dope. Also, I ended up using copious amounts more dope and other substances to get high bc I was "blocked". Also, I was selling my subs and using it to buy dope. My second year on subs I realized that a larger dose helped curb my cravings more; also dosing more frequently helped stop cravings too. Another option you may want to consider is the vivatrol shot -- the shit that blocks u for a month.

Sadly, going to jail, being in a coma, and crashing 2 cars, and losing a business, and friendships wasn't bottom enough for me to succeed in quitting even though I really did want to stop.

The route I finally took was taking 4meoPCP and methoxetamine (nmda antagonists- there is a link in the advanced drug discussion about nmda antagonists and tolerance and addiction effects- anecdotes). After 8 years of addiction, 5 years of seriously trying to stop, I finally ended my physical addiction this January, however, I still chip every now and then. But I really want to and need to stop for good because Im going to be teaching kids in the fall. And yea so, kind of like not getting high for ur gf, I'm really dedicated to not getting high for the kids, and my job, my future, so it's kind of for myself bc I'm sick of having no life and being in w/d and feeling shitty half my week and always having no money.

U rn't a lost cause. This shit is a hard habit (imo the hardest drug habit) to break, but it is doable. Don't give up. Seek help. See counseling. Find support like u are doing here on BL, and pay for a therapist, do NA/AA meetings help? Maybe limit urself to only credit cards and have ur gf stuff the suboxone in ur mouth every morning.
 
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