not sure what to do anymore, figured this should go in darkside.

[JamtasticX]

So basically my life just sucks right now, part of this text is drug help related, some is depressing sucide related, was not sure where to post it so I apologize in advance for both if I ramble on, and if this is in the wrong section.

So for the last year my life has been a living hell, I got kicked out of my house once for over 6 months and was living cough to cough. I lived with my girlfreind for a while until her abusive dad took a bat to me. Then my grand parents for a while until m grandfather broke his back. I finally got back to my house, but m\not the main house, a room connected to the house, with no access to the house, rules are:

• have to call and ask permission to use bathroom
• Eating is a privlidge, if there is food and someone wants to give it to me, have to call and ask , no food after 8:30
• No entering the house, ever

Aside from that, I have no money. Had a few jobs, but lost them, was on un employment once, used it up, worked again, but now am a few hundred short of getting it again. Cant pay for my car, cant finish college, im stuck in limbo. I feel like life is a game, and why n0t just skip to the end.


Anyway, shit sucks, we all know that, this is where the drug help stuff comes in. I go to a sub dr that also allows me benzos, this week I got 3 weeks of benzos and a week of sub. I also got in a car accident in my girls car (her parents hate me, i have no insurance, my life SUCKS besides the point). To make a long story short, I lost all my pills somehow.

I already told my Dr I lost my benzos once, so that wont work. I get drug test and I need benzos+sub to show up and no opiates. I have been so depressed I did heroinb yesterday and today, so now I have to m0ve my apoibntments (drug test sch tues, dr wed) So I can pass, but even if I move them what should i do?

Can I go to the hospital with my pill bottles and accident report, say that I lost them, think I lost them in commotion of accident, bottle we open. My dr wont give me refils, until HIS refil date. Im going to be so sick, and my sub Dr doesnt care, if I do get mopre benzos it wont be for 2 more weeks, no ands ifs or buts. Also hospitals wont give me any suboxone they dont have sub Drs. If this is the only time ive gone to the hospital like this will they think im drug seeking, what if I bring multiple bottles? And the hospital cant tell my sub Dr right? Im thinking the hospital will be the best bet, I also have wrist injuries so it will look like Im going for more than just pills. Ive never done this before with a hospital, and am not tryying to dr shop or whatever, but the program was the only thing keeping me going. This Dr will kick me out no question if I dont get something done before then, and even if I find a Dr that takes my insurance most wont prescibe benzos, which I need badly.

I feel the hospital idea is the only option right now, and if it doesnt work I cant see a point in living. Ive just been crying all day. I wrote like a 3 post long depressed suicide thing on my facebook because my birthday was a week ago and I sat at home alone, I try so hard to have a fraction of a good life again, and its like I dont exist, the only people who care are peoplke online.

Hell even m girlfreind treats me like shit. She let me drive her car(technically her moms, now they r going to press charges sayibng I stole it) and wants me to pay for it , i have no money. Then tonight I got all the money for the dope, and she keeps saying I want more more, has no depth perception, and I got none, she was so wrecked she got pulled over driving, FUCK HER, FUCK LIFE. Damn, I already have a suicide letter in my pocket I carry around, I spend hours just crying wishing it would end, I lost 2 bottles of schelduled pills Im screwed

 

[TriggerHappy]

love that term-- "cough to cough"

sorry but, can't you score some meager sub and benzo pills on the street to tide you over? all is not lost.

can you elaborate on how you lost the pills?

sorry you're down but there is a solution.

 

[Legerity]

You have a lot of things going on...it must be very overwhelming. Don't think that it's not possible to fix up, many people have gone from your position to living happy and fulfilling lives.

I don't know what to do about the prescriptions, I'm sure many here can suggest something. But I can assure you that you can make the necessary changes in your life to get through this period. When things gets chaotic it usually means there is a LOT that needs to change. Are you willing to do so?

I'm not quite sure why you have all those rules set up at your place, it sounds like your parents want to turn it into some sort of rehabilitation center. Can you get another job and move out? Working and getting your own place is satisfying and builds confidence in your abilities.

Just hang on and work through this. Maybe the people around you will listen if you tell them how you feel, you never know.

 

[JamtasticX]

My parents used to be great, they hate me now, they treat me like an animals, its pathethic. Its sick what they do. Im 21 so I have no choice. Finding a good job is hard, and if I get a job I lose my insurance (yea, thats how fucked up gov/state healthcare is) Then I would have to pay 300 per visit to my sub Dr, and he can make me go 4 times a month + the subs are like 80 per week, so thats $1200 a month just for the Dr, unless my job offers good insurance, and my last job didnt offer any insurance,

Its like a paradox, Im stuck in limbo, and my parents have become so evil. They honestly hate me. They lie to their friends about me so they can keep their "standing" in this fucked up society. They shut the phones off at night, so if its after a certain time sucks to be me, takin a shit in a bush/

Im trying to score benzo's/subs but there are none, plus I need just a little sub to get it in me for my next test, but 2 more weeks of benzo's is hard, and I can move my test date/dr apointment and make up and excuse, which I have to do because Ive been doing dope yeterday/today, but its the other weeks that worry me. And even if I get a few benzo's, Ive taken so many drug tests at this lab youd be surprised how HARD it is to fail. Im always confused when people say I failed for this or that, half the time I have clean urine and took shit the day before.

Whats worse is my Dr is mad suspicious, first because I told him I ran out of benzos once before, cant use that excuse. Second because my last test last week was really diluted, and no suboxone showed up (a tiny bit but way below threshold), so hes def going to checck the levels this time cloesly.

What happened:

I got my scipts, 1 week sub, 3 weeks benzos. Got way to wrecked, along the way got into a car accident and crashed my girls car, and got banged up. The guy had a scratch, her car was messed, I offered to pay on the spot guy called the cops and lied to him (Im fighting it because I took mad pics but now my girls parents are pressiung charges on me - sucks, I want to be a lawyer now Im forced to fight my gf in court to prove im innocent :*( ) Then I was so depressed I went and overdosed on kpins and heroin. Forgot to pick my gf up at work, she found me 2 hours later passed out in the car, everything on my lap. Between the car accident and that, I ended up losing everything. I ripped my jail cell apart, nothing.


I will go to a different pharmacy and pay out of pocket. I have 2 weeks left, will the hospital give me even a smaller dose or a different benzo to cover me? They have to do something so I dont die? I was thining of bringing in a ton of my past bottles to show I have been on them for a while, explain about the accident, and hope they see I cant just stop

And I feel like the Dr's at the hospital will think Im a junky pill seaker, should I just not mention the subs, because I dont care about those, but I need mt\y benzo's, I take 2.5mg of KPin a day, used to be on 3, and have been on them for 2 years. If I dont have them I feel like flipping a coin and tails I shoot myself - and if I tell a doc that Ill get locked up. 2 years of that high a dose, will they seriously not help me? My only hope is the hospital writing me a script, because my sub Dr will not until 2 weeks, and I cant wait, fuck Im crying my eyes out over this shit

 

[molly897]

it seems like that's all you can do at this point. being honest fucked me, but you have no other option right now. going to diff drs and pharmacies looks bad, tell your main doctor everything from now on.

hospitals would in a heartbeat put you down as drug seeking imo.. it's 9 am. call around to some family medicals or just go to a walk in. walk in clinic should be abkle to help you miore

find your benzos from girls if you've looked elsewhere. so many girls have anxiety and are prescribed shit, just ask them. chances are they abuse it so you asking to buy a few isn't going to bother them

 

[jrh2260]

i know im late on a response here, i hope you are feeling better or have some relief by now. but when shit gets rough, it ALWAYS topples on you all at once. i dont no why it always happens like that, but it does. just keep this in mind, somewhere inside you, you have had the strength to get through this past year so far, why not keep fighting the good fight??? if you had to choose a fight to give every single bit of your soul to, make it be the fight for happiness again in your life one day. im in a dark place right now myself, and ive been through darker, my boyfreind killed himself last year and it truly took me to my bottom. i thought i was never going to get better. but i did. so dont give up. suicide is not the answer i promise you. im so sorry for the situation you are in and the kind of people you have in your life. just remember that this situation is temporary and as long as you keep fighting and giving it all you have, something good will eventually come from it. one day you will wake up and recognize that you have a smile on your face, and that is a gift in itself. take it day by day, one step at a time. i hope you find strength within yourself to keep going.

 

[Draigan]

hahaha this reads too much like my life lately. Its all cuz of the fukin drugs man I pissd everyone off too... Dude u gota start afresh. A new you. A new me..