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Not sure what to call these but any comments would be appreciated

TheFSM

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 21, 2004
Messages
25
Location
Pennsylvania (Near Philly)
I'm not much of a writer nor do I consider myself good by any stretch of the imagination but last night after Rolling with 2 good friends on the comedown I picked up a pad and pen and just started writing and writing and writing.

I dont even know what to call these and most wont make much sense. I'd just like some comments/criticism on them. I am fully aware it's chock full of spelling mistakes I typed it as it was written down no alterations.

Anyway here they are http://thefsm.com/relief.txt
 
Just a couple comments:

Any time you start a poem or a story with a one-word line, especially an abstract noun like "bliss," you're making things very difficult for yourself. You're essentially saying that the following poem will be the definitive description of "bliss" since the dawn of literature. That's a pretty tall order. Most readers will look at a first line like this with incredulity.

There are several alternatives. You can do anything from adding a single word (nocturnal bliss, chemical bliss, fleeting bliss, etc.) to completely replacing the word "bliss" with an image that you associate with bliss. Or something inbetween these two extremes. I would tend to lean more toward the second option though. Bliss itself is just a word, it's not very evocative, it doesn't really bring people into the world of your poem all by itself. If you really like the idea of a single-word line like "bliss," I would suggest putting it later in the poem and building up to it rather than starting off with it.

Also, avoid the temptation to rhyme every single line. Rhyming couplets are great for making a point but they start to grate after a while if it's just one after another. The rhymes can also start to feel forced. Even slam poets and MCs (the good ones anyway) know when to change up the rhyme sceme. Rhyming every other line instead of every single line can work wonders for the flow of a song or poem. It can also allow you to really start having some fun with the language.

Not to be too pretentious, but here's four lines from Shakespeare to illustrate:

If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

All the tension in these lines builds to "kiss" because Shakespeare makes you wait for it a little bit instead of rhyming right away. So basically my advice to you is: be just like Shakespeare ;)
 
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