not sure what fun is--life in survival mode

[Free Radical]

i've been through a lot of hell. i am currently sober for about a year and on a bunch of psychiatric medications. if you ask me, they've been prescribed for what amounts to chronic heartbreak which is not very clinical of me to say, but it does seem to me a more accurate descriptor.

life just doesn't add up for me. i act virtuously and help people and i get shit on for it. i just don't understand....i'm a good looking intelligent guy, where the hell are all the hot smart chicks at? when i finally do meet a couple, one of em fucks me and leaves me (yes--dudes can get played by chicks) and the other is friendly but i'm obviously beneath her because i'm needy and can't solve the problem of being needy because i'm needy. if i wasn't so goddamn starved for affection i do sincerely believe i'd practically have enough motivation to take over a small country if the woman in my life so desired. the fact that i know i have this sort of drive inside myself and that it goes unacknowledged by the women i meet bothers me more than a little. i don't know where i'm going with this or where i'm going in life in general, for that matter. i don't remember what "fun" is or what it means to "relax." everything i do feels like it's about simple survival....going out to have a good time seems like a luxury to me--if i go out it's always to accomplish in some manner or other, even if it seems like partying to others involved. to put it bluntly, i'm starved in a very important way that is entirely neglected by our society. it's not all a sexuality thing either.....i miss the hell out of cuddles and kisses and sweet nothings. sounds corny but it's the fucking truth so stfu.

i don't want to do drugs to be fun enough to be attractive, but i will if i have to. i'm 27 fuckin years old and my youth is fading fast. i have yet to be involved in a TRULY fulfilling relationship. it's so unfair that it makes me wish i could vomit bullets at the uncomprehending retards i try to talk to about this stuff. well hopefully i didn't fail at getting my point across, whatever that was. if anybody has anything of value to contribute, please do so. btw--maybe this belongs in SL&R? not sure. kind of a mixed topic here.....

 

[Libby]

Wow you don't need a woman to be happy, that's your problem. Sure relationships are nice when they come along, but sometimes its fun to be single and you will experience both in your life probably many times over, you just have to make the most of it. Enjoy being single for a while, fuck around, have fun, Besides nothing drives a woman more crazy than a man who doesn't really care about her lol. Its a lil strange sounding I know, but if you are needy and all over her she will assume she must be too good for you and could do better, if you can take it or leave it, you seem more like an equal, on par with her, and someone she might consider a relationship with.

And this thing with the acting virtuously and helping people etc. it doesn't truely make you are good person if you are only doing it so you can expect the same treatment back, and trust me you wont get it, being overly nice is just as bad as being a horrible bastard, instead of aiming to be the "good guy" hows about just be the fair guy, you will be respected and you wont feel hard done by for giving more than you get because you will not give more than is deserved.

 

[Free Radical]

well i wish i knew how to have fun being single. if i did none of this would be an issue. if i could find someone as worthy as myself and as needy as myself then that might work out quite well. medication is a grotesque temporary solution, and now that it's kicked in for the evening, i don't feel the painful emptiness quite as harshly.

 

[Libby]

Oh god it is not that hard to have fun single lol, it is much harder to have fun in a relationship, just go out and get a bunch of hookers and let them make you feel all better. I would offer my services but you're in another country. Go on, have fun

By the way fun is, doing something coz it feels good and you enjoy it, not because it makes you look "cool" to the opposite sex, if you don't enjoy drugs don't take them, it's not worth it. I know coz I used methamphetamine alot to stay thin even though I didn't enjoy it and it was quite hellish at times in truth. Something doesn't have to be always be for a productive reason, I understand that thinking though, but look at it this way, your peace of mind is a factor in your plans too, and cheering yourself up a bit is productive in itself, coz no-one wants to hangout with harry-hard-luck-hubert.. lol I just made that up, harry hard luck hubert, that was fun, see its simple lol!

 

[Libby]

Also it's ok not to be happy ALL the freakin time, no-one is, but it's a problem if you are NEVER happy, and if you don't think the meds you're on are helping, maybe talk to your dr, maybe go off them, maybe switch to a different one, what are you on anti depressants? Geez I just had like sooo much caffiene, sugarfree energy drink chased by diet coke lol... zzzzzziiiiiinnnnngggggg!!!!!!!! SMILE

 

[Libby]

Are you smiling yet? I just ran a lap around the house lol that was fun, my neighbours already think I'm nuts so it's all G.
Try it.

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

Try to become a little more introverted. Being selfless (if that's what you meant) hasn't worked out, so try being selfish to some degree. Think only about yourself, and you will naturally work on yourself. Train yourself to let go of these cravings for affection, develop more of an ego, become more secure. It may be hard, but I have mentally trained myself to let go of many things... all by myself. I'm not the type to search for a girl, I'm quite indifferent to companionship now that my withdrawals are over, back to my old self. Stop searching, because it hasn't worked for you, then maybe if you stop trying someone will come to you. There's something to think about.

 

[herbavore]

It does seem to be that when we feel needy we put off something that scares people. Relationships do satisfy needs but at the same time they can't be based on need--just a weird paradox. It does sound like you are adopting somewhat of a victim stance in your mind about it and that is not going to help at all. It is easy to start feeling resentful and bitter, perceiving that everyone else has affection while you don't. Just read this forum for awhile and you will see that it is a pretty common state. Like Eyes said above, work on yourself--self sufficiency, enjoyment of activities, books whatever you are interested in and eventually being single will not see so dull. When you seem like a person that enjoys life others are attracted to hanging out with you. I don't mean you have to be super extroverted or the life of the party--just someone that has something interesting to offer. I would really encourage you to do something to get the spark back within yourself before turning to others to rekindle it--it will feel much more solid to you as well as to others if it comes from you. Is there a chance you could be low level depressed? If so, maybe doing some therapy around that might help? For what it is worth, here is a virtual hug at least. (()) We all do need affection but we all go through periods without it.

 

[redandgreen]

Oh man you sound just like me... Everything you've said I identify with totally.. Gosh I'm speechless