not suicidal but no need to live really

[Ethan8]

guys bear with me, my keyboard is broken.no caps, some numbers etc.

i wrote this as a drug life story eighteen to now thirtynine but i bored myself to death so i will deal with the now.

im a x pat thirtynine living in bangkok thailand with my seven yr rship thai gf whose from a good middle clss family.

ive lived here two years.

ive taken steroids for five yrs not abused them , prior to this i was clean from various drugs for bout ten yrs.

ive suffered from depression my whole life and have taken a anti/d called mirtazapine on and off for ten years to great effect ,ive had 3 suicide attempts but they were along time ago so i dont fear that,ive seen death from my mum s close as her lat breath ,i am not scared,nor was she so fcuk it. now however i feel i am trying to not wake up or kill myself slowly.

i started to slip here a yr ago for a reason i wont go into details wise but it came from her not me.......you get the picture.....

i went to my awesome thai hospital got a script for benzos ,now loraz and clona, ritalin and i buy a tub of fivehundred fifty mg hcl tramadol a month.

my enjoyment of everything.....even my love for training and my gf has taken a bk seat to my drug takin, i force myself to stay away from the north with its opium and street yabba and heroin and dont dabble with the red light girls or any extra girls anymore ,i handle it . . . .because i know me to well.

ritalin i can control ,i use it to offset the benzo blurryness and from a x/speed addiction i dont fear jacking up the rit however i am going faster and faster thru the benzo and tramadol.

i dont like stim but they get me moving and with tram and benzo they are awesome.

i take about one gram of trammy a day and 3 or four two mg clona and ten loraz ,i augment with gabapentin and for the first time i crave alcohol to potentiate the benzos with the ritalin i dont get drunk anyhow, just benzo funny.

i used hydroxyzine also for sleep mostly and cheap.

obviously i use steroids/insulin/clenbutrol/yohimbe too but unless you know steroids i wont list amounts however again i am using way more than i should which i dont usually do , i used to be very responsible. now i push the envelope, i have to take bp med already and cholestrol meds ,my heart i dont know.

the next two week i have to train everyday very very hard 3 times a day to meet someone important that i cant explain correctly here no offence. i need to look my biggest.

i read gabapentin can be used to get off tram but its more expensive ,hydroxy is cheap and of course clona the correct choice of benzo /opite wd.

i dont want to stop i think but i need to slow down, the benzo in high amounts will prevent seizures but there is too many drugs for me track in my system now.

i dont think i want to stop tram , i like its social effect on me but id like to be down to....


steroids the right amount /a 3rd mayb use only pharma grade good human use products

two mg clonas maybe split thru day or probably two a day

4 loraz

one hundred mg of hydroxy or more if it helps wd.

rit five mg to wake up but eventually just caffeine or pre workout.

ive killed my benzo 6 week supply of ninety clona and one hundred and twenty loraz in ten days and about 40 tram a day.

i always wake up feeling fine ,if i slur or cant type i pop rit and i am a full functioning addict. u would never know.

the drugs got me out of my depression but now are they keeping me in it.....if i was clean i would not be happier or a nicer person ,thats not real to me.

i care about my gf and any aftermath of my desth to her but after my mum dying yrs ago /single parent /one child family i dont give a fuck if i dont wake up but i am not suicidal.

today i must go to the gym but part of me want to hit the loraz and booze and sink....and dream about what opium is like......then i look at my mums photo watch youtube inspiriing training vids and think get the f**K up.

i hate hate hate feeling .........feeling in general,i hate feeling sensitive , i block it with drugs, i dont want to feel .......honestly ,no big man talk .....there is nothing in this world worth feeling that hasnt already fucked me.

.....i feel better saying this to strangers......thats good i think.

 

[Maya]

OP, there is so much to life after drugs, and it's up to you to find out what will make your life back on track and be happy again. There are no shortcuts, no easy way out and you have to work hard on getting better. You seem to love your gf so much so live for her. I don't think you would be able to take it if you saw her crying because of what has happened to you. Goodluck and I hope you get things sorted out.

 

[Azure Cloud]

Man I feel you. I wake up every day wondering what the point to it all is. I'm coming of a 15 year poly drug binge, so I figure I'm just not in my right mind and I won't make any sudden decisions about the worth of my life until I get at least a few months between myself and my drug use. I'm pretty sure it gets better but like Maya says there are no easy answers, it will take hard work on my part to get back to a place where I'm content if not happy.

 

[herbavore]

Feelings are the curse and gift of being human. Nothing makes us experience a sense of being out of control than allowing free flow of our emotions, whether we label them 'good' or 'bad'. Even being in love can feel like heaven when it is reciprocated and a hell worse than hell when it isn't. Like every other continuum in human existence I think there are some of us that feel more acutely than others. It doesn't surprise me at all that Bluelight has an over representation of people that are easily overwhelmed with feelings. Drugging feelings away is a temporary solution that never works in the long term. Like putting a dam on a river to stop the river, the build-up behind the dam is increased. And that dam takes constant monitoring and lots of expensive maintenance.

It is possible to connect your deepest self, with all the emotions that define you, with life. It only is scary because that is what our cultures have taught us to believe. Getting emotionally hurt is an experience we run from but we never stop to think that perhaps by transforming our thoughts about our feelings we could free ourselves from that cycle. OP, you live in Thailand and I imagine there are many Buddhist resources available to you to explore. Most of it may be too religiously dogmatic but you might look into the philosophy itself as someplace that you could find a way out of your current way of doing things. I know it is scary to feel so lost and exhausted. I wish you courage and hope.

 

[Justmehere]

I completely understand. I even told my Husband that I am tired. That I feel like I am waiting for "my time" to go. My daughter is old enough and doesn't need me. My husband has a life of work, paintball, camping with family the boys camping trip. And misc. other guy things he likes to do. He's a Man's Man. We have been married 23 years. He has ED and refuses to try meds to help himself. So we are best friends in the same bed. Last night when he was home and smoking a Cigar his latest "thing" I asked him if he missed passion, and making love. And he said no.... So here I am... I love him, accept him. And that pretty much said it all. I just turned 50 and he is 52, he works nights and I am disabled. But you wouldn't know unless you see me walk. I am still very much an attractive woman inChronic Pain. So I take my meds, and wait. I do hope you don't give up. You just need to hang in there like I am. Day by day, and maybe something will come along and BOOM! it will change for the better. So hope is all I think about. Hope that tomorrow will be the day when things go better.

You are never alone. You have your gf waiting for you, wanting you, and loving you. You are blessed.
~just me here~