(eyes are to watery to fix every typo)
i posted on here once, like 2 years ago i dunno, things havent changed in my life.
ive grown up never having friends
ive never had social connections
ive never had a real relationship or anything even comparable to a highschool fling.
ive been out of school for 9 years now, everyone is long gone.
i dont have family around me.
i dont consider myself addicted to anything, i smoke pot, mostly daily, mostly before i go to sleep. i ve tried mdma (brown sugar) 3 times, all about a month apart, i never felt like crap after, i didnt feel depressed or burnt out, but its also possible i took the right amount of dosage, as to not use all my serotine.
i dont smoke cigs, and i hardly drink.
i dont know a single person. i work alone 100% of the time, i go work days easy without speaking to another person.
ive gone out so much trying to make bridges, im so alone, im tired of it, every breath i take i feel like my chest is closing in on me, more and more. the walls around me betray me and dont let me sleep. my thoughts are always dwelling on my loneliness.
when ever my mind would get stuck on these darker of dark places, i would always tell myself "no, things will get better, youll meet someone, youll meet people, youll fall in love, or atleast have a romance." its been years since ive been touched by anyone. felt warmth or love. felt emotion and passion, felt a drive to exist.
latly ive been finding myself getting stuck on those sucicidal thoughts, thinking things like who would find me? if i hung myself it would be over fast, or if i cut myself or all these other things, like who would find me, how would they react, would it bring me warmth knowing this person found me? and it started to hurt, emotionally and physically.
ive spent alot of time trying to find the route of my problems. it goes back to grade 5, litterally the first day. (so long ago, litterally like 15 years ago), i had alot of engery, i couldnt sit in class, in grade 5 we will still on basic maths that have been the same for the last 2-3 years (one teacher per year, minus gym and music, still elementray) dealing with boring equations and problems long learned. i was deemed hyper active, was forced out of class by admin, was put into this "bad kid" program. when all i was, was bored.
i spent the next two years in school in isolation from everyone else, i sat alone in a white room with a rubber floor and rubber walls, never say teachers, never saw students, i was given different lunch times and recess, i was always "assisted" by a adult who would make sure i wouldnt run off or harm people. the isolation has only grown since then. my parents didnt understand what was going on, it messed my mind up so much.
skip forward, im 22, i havent smoked a single cig in my life, or smoked any pot, or tried any drugs, one day i just gave up.
march 8th i had broken my leg, and this really, really showed me what being alone is like, what truly being alone and helpless for hours truly changed my find forever. it was a really bad break, it wasnt until a full year later i started walking again where you couldnt tell something was wrong, and even now, theres still nerv damage to feel. and so 6 months went by, the boot on now, walking unassisted other then the boot, i sat there, alone, reflecting the struggle i had been thru, how it sucked being so alone, it sitll sucks so much.
i went out, bought a pipe, a grinder, (both of which ive hardly ever seen before this time) and bought some weed, for the first while it helped alot. now 5 years later i see no point to it anymore, its dead to me. it turned against me like my childhood, turning everything bad, enchancing the sad feelings and eventually less and less of me felt any good at all.
I resisted the path (that i deemed dangerous when i was younger) but alone, all alone, birthday after birthday, christmas after christmas, i gave up, i truly died inside, the last part of me that made me, well me, died, was buried and put into a box that i burned with all the failing mementos i had from a long life of abandonment.
when i was in grade 1 i got molested by a family member, the thoughts arnt there, the family member is long gone, and i see no need to open that wound, with so much distance between me and the rest of my family anyways. i really just needed to tell that to someone, anyone, it fucking sucks having no one. EVER.
ill be 27 this year, been opiate free for atleast 3 years, although my stint with them was short, it was the happiest months of my life (as i felt literally nothing at all), now im here though, sitting here, reeally, truly, contemplating the end, the real end, not some kid crap, the real shit, im tired of these feelings, im tired of being alone, im tired of feeling like i am filled with death, like people in public see me and avoid me at all costs, i really do want to die, im not religious, im very educated and have maintained scientifc believes for some time, but i find myself praying, praying that if gods real he just end my misery, prove your there and take this lifeless body away from me, and time and time again, the coward that is god, like if gods real, he must see this, must feel my pain, fuck him, fuck that piece of shit, there is no god, people who are amazing are ended short, those who beg for the end are forced to live, and all the while, millions die every day. why am i even talking about this?
nothing changes, will i be 28 and still in the same situation? or 30? or 40?
because i really dont have the strength to type this, its taken so long just to try an get this out, nevermind strength to see out another week, a month, fuck a year, fuck a year in this bullshit. i just cant do it anymore.
i dont know what to do, should i abandon my job and go into rehab? or mental health or something. im so fucking alone.
i posted on here once, like 2 years ago i dunno, things havent changed in my life.
ive grown up never having friends
ive never had social connections
ive never had a real relationship or anything even comparable to a highschool fling.
ive been out of school for 9 years now, everyone is long gone.
i dont have family around me.
i dont consider myself addicted to anything, i smoke pot, mostly daily, mostly before i go to sleep. i ve tried mdma (brown sugar) 3 times, all about a month apart, i never felt like crap after, i didnt feel depressed or burnt out, but its also possible i took the right amount of dosage, as to not use all my serotine.
i dont smoke cigs, and i hardly drink.
i dont know a single person. i work alone 100% of the time, i go work days easy without speaking to another person.
ive gone out so much trying to make bridges, im so alone, im tired of it, every breath i take i feel like my chest is closing in on me, more and more. the walls around me betray me and dont let me sleep. my thoughts are always dwelling on my loneliness.
when ever my mind would get stuck on these darker of dark places, i would always tell myself "no, things will get better, youll meet someone, youll meet people, youll fall in love, or atleast have a romance." its been years since ive been touched by anyone. felt warmth or love. felt emotion and passion, felt a drive to exist.
latly ive been finding myself getting stuck on those sucicidal thoughts, thinking things like who would find me? if i hung myself it would be over fast, or if i cut myself or all these other things, like who would find me, how would they react, would it bring me warmth knowing this person found me? and it started to hurt, emotionally and physically.
ive spent alot of time trying to find the route of my problems. it goes back to grade 5, litterally the first day. (so long ago, litterally like 15 years ago), i had alot of engery, i couldnt sit in class, in grade 5 we will still on basic maths that have been the same for the last 2-3 years (one teacher per year, minus gym and music, still elementray) dealing with boring equations and problems long learned. i was deemed hyper active, was forced out of class by admin, was put into this "bad kid" program. when all i was, was bored.
i spent the next two years in school in isolation from everyone else, i sat alone in a white room with a rubber floor and rubber walls, never say teachers, never saw students, i was given different lunch times and recess, i was always "assisted" by a adult who would make sure i wouldnt run off or harm people. the isolation has only grown since then. my parents didnt understand what was going on, it messed my mind up so much.
skip forward, im 22, i havent smoked a single cig in my life, or smoked any pot, or tried any drugs, one day i just gave up.
march 8th i had broken my leg, and this really, really showed me what being alone is like, what truly being alone and helpless for hours truly changed my find forever. it was a really bad break, it wasnt until a full year later i started walking again where you couldnt tell something was wrong, and even now, theres still nerv damage to feel. and so 6 months went by, the boot on now, walking unassisted other then the boot, i sat there, alone, reflecting the struggle i had been thru, how it sucked being so alone, it sitll sucks so much.
i went out, bought a pipe, a grinder, (both of which ive hardly ever seen before this time) and bought some weed, for the first while it helped alot. now 5 years later i see no point to it anymore, its dead to me. it turned against me like my childhood, turning everything bad, enchancing the sad feelings and eventually less and less of me felt any good at all.
I resisted the path (that i deemed dangerous when i was younger) but alone, all alone, birthday after birthday, christmas after christmas, i gave up, i truly died inside, the last part of me that made me, well me, died, was buried and put into a box that i burned with all the failing mementos i had from a long life of abandonment.
when i was in grade 1 i got molested by a family member, the thoughts arnt there, the family member is long gone, and i see no need to open that wound, with so much distance between me and the rest of my family anyways. i really just needed to tell that to someone, anyone, it fucking sucks having no one. EVER.
ill be 27 this year, been opiate free for atleast 3 years, although my stint with them was short, it was the happiest months of my life (as i felt literally nothing at all), now im here though, sitting here, reeally, truly, contemplating the end, the real end, not some kid crap, the real shit, im tired of these feelings, im tired of being alone, im tired of feeling like i am filled with death, like people in public see me and avoid me at all costs, i really do want to die, im not religious, im very educated and have maintained scientifc believes for some time, but i find myself praying, praying that if gods real he just end my misery, prove your there and take this lifeless body away from me, and time and time again, the coward that is god, like if gods real, he must see this, must feel my pain, fuck him, fuck that piece of shit, there is no god, people who are amazing are ended short, those who beg for the end are forced to live, and all the while, millions die every day. why am i even talking about this?
nothing changes, will i be 28 and still in the same situation? or 30? or 40?
because i really dont have the strength to type this, its taken so long just to try an get this out, nevermind strength to see out another week, a month, fuck a year, fuck a year in this bullshit. i just cant do it anymore.
i dont know what to do, should i abandon my job and go into rehab? or mental health or something. im so fucking alone.
