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Not Only Am I Not Dead...I'm CLEAN

xxkcxx

xxkcxx

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 13, 2008
Messages
7,799
Location
in a snuggie
So, I haven't been on this site in forever because I'm actively working a recovery program, and while I love BL and it probably helped keep me alive throughout my addiction by offering harm reduction advice and the only friends I had for like a good chunk of 3ish years, reading about people getting high wasn't very beneficial to me not getting high.

I had no intention of making a post about this, but apparently this place is either dead because I decided to come on tonight or you drug addicts have suddenly decided to get 8 hours of sleep a night :p

Anyway, I just wanted to update those of you who are still around who I know and love and maybe offer some hope to those of you who are struggling.

After multiple trips to jail, more rehabs (inpatient and outpatient) than I can count, a few halfway houses, a handful of overdoses and suicide attempts, and years of self-loathing, on March 1, 2011 I woke up sober for the first time in what would become a string of ~16 months of sober wake ups. Yep, that's right. I haven't had a drink or a drug (not under a doctor's orders) in almost 16 months.

It has been far from easy. Personally, I work an AA program. It's what works for me. I never thought it would. I was very anti-12 step for most of the time I was using, but I got to the point where I didn't know what else to do and I became willing, and hey, it's helped so far so I don't plan on changing anything. (Please save your anti-12-step/AA nonsense for another thread. I'm not preaching to anyone and I don't really care about your opinion of AA. It works for me and if it doesn't work for you that really has no effect on MY sobriety. Live and let live, mother fuckers).

The first 6 months, I wanted to get high every day. I didn't see how I could possibly live life sober. I didn't know what happiness was, and I was so sure I never would. The next three months got better. Things looked up. That was followed by three more months of wanting to get high and being miserable. But I held on, and I got through it. I'm not sure when the turning point came, but I can tell you that I'm really happy today (most days). I still have bad days but they are really so few and far between. Not to say everything is peachy. I have some shit going on in my life I have to deal with, but my attitude about it is different. I know I can handle whatever comes my way with the help of my friends, boyfriend, family, etc.

One of the coolest things to happen to me in sobriety was that I had to have my gallbladder out right after I celebrate a year. My DOC was heroin, so I was really nervous about taking pain meds. Well, I didn't. I worked out a plan with my doctor where I stayed one night in the hospital (usually this surgery is outpatient) and was given IV Toradol, and then I went home with Toradol pills. I was completely fine. The pain was more than manageable, and I learned that I don't need to medicate myself before I even know what my pain will be like.

I'm still on Suboxone, but I'm getting really close to being off it. I'm at ~.25 mg. I hope to be completely off within a month or so.

So, thanks to all the BLers that are still on this site, that aren't on this site, that have passed on, and that are MIA who have loved me throughout the years, talked to me when I was crazy, tripping, afraid, suicidal, etc.

I love all of you and my life would have been very different without this site, and I don't think it would have been different in a good way if I'm being completely honest. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
 
Wow, I was just thinking about you a couple days ago and wondering how you were doing. This update makes me very happy indeed. I'm so glad that you've been able to stay sober and managed not to give into the cravings. You're one tough cookie for sure. :) Welcome back, we love you too!! <3 <3 <3
 
I love you!

I've been trying to get clean for a while. Had a massive poppy pod habit, tapered that down, jumped, and am using kratom to cope. I'm setting a taper schedule for that as soon as what I ordered arrives and will taper that to nothing like I did the pods.

Hearing a success story is rare hear. Maybe the successful ones like you move on from BL mostly. But I am SO glad to read your post today. You absolutely made my day! Thank you for sharing this. It gives me more hope and confidence as I continue to progress towards total sobriety.

I'm sorry your road was so damn rough, but damn am I glad to hear you out on the otherside doing so much better. I'll join you there one day. Stay there for me, for you, for life.

blessings and peace,
pnm
 
Congradulations man. I started on my road without drugs only 3 days ago but i know im motivated enough to do it and have to much to lose not to. Heroin was my DOC too and i plan on giving NA a try since i always blew it off so much before and never actually worked the program-- giving the usual "hearing about drugs makes me wanna use" excuse. But now im thinking its more that u get what youre looking for out of it

This was an inspirational thread thanks for that
 
Very inspirational, indeed!! Welcome back <3

Although I don't recall conversing with you on a personal level beyond the limits of the board, I do indeed remember you. I am *so* glad to hear that you're not only alive... But CLEAN!!! =D

I, too, am in recovery from poly substance abuse (primarily dissiciatives and opiates) and also work a 12 step program. I remember after my 2nd OD in 2006 and my 2nd stint in rehab, lol I came on here and deleted all 1,900 (yes, one by one...) of my posts since 2003 and swore off BL, as I knew I'd be triggered. Truth is, though, I lost sight of the fact that there are soooo many other wondrous facets to the Bluelight community other than glorification of and education in drug use... And when I returned to the site in 2009 (after relapsing after 3 years in AA), my intention was to get back into those highly drug-fueled discussions and aspects of the site. Which I did, and my life went into a tailspin until the latter half of 2011. This definitely was no fault of Bluelight's; rather, it was emblematic of the fact that, in a twisted sense I myself still seek to understand, I wanted - needed - to further fuck myself before I could admit total defeat. A daily regimen of oxymorphone, heroin and methoxetamine brought me fully to my knees, and now I spend my time in The Dark Side (obviously ;)), SL&R, the Wiki, etc.

The community has been extremely helpful to me, especially TDS. I am quite sure that by now you are familiar with the expression, "We only keep what we have by giving it away," and TDS has afforded me great opportunities to do just that. I hope that, provided you think you might not be triggered too badly by some other forums, you drop by once in a while - to both socialize AND inform!

Your story has the potential to help many people.
Congratulations on discovering a new life, and a new way of being <3

~ Vaya
 
Although I don't recall talking to you directly KC, I remember your posts before you got clean and I commend you for cleaning up! Congrats and keep it up! I've been off heroin now for two years. I still drink and smoke weed but other than that I don't do shit. Eventually I want to give those up too but I'm not ready yet. Keep your chin up and don't relapse! :)
 
Hey,
I'm new here, just wanted to say thanx for sharing, it's really good to hear a success story - esp a long term one, gives those of us wiv short term clean spells behind us, short term cos it felt like the bad times wudn't end, that wen we try again, if we stick it out long enough it does get better.
Well done for stickin it out, an I wish u every happiness in ur future x
 
I just wanted to say well done to the OP. It's always good to hear when someone succeeds in getting clean and I'm sure it will help to inspire others on here that it can be done and that they too can also become drug free.
 
I have seen enough people around me beaten-down by drugs and further screwed by the War on Drugs. But xxkkxx is one of the rare success stories that does make me want to keep going. I wish everyone here had known her back a few years ago, to be able to see the transformation. She's come a long way.

I still remember the first time you saw the sphinxes. :) That was hilarious, but not really at the time. But I also remember a lot of the darker stuff, and I'm so glad that you're not dealing with that so much anymore. It's a horrible life to live, and I'm happy that it's now a past one for you.

We all miss you, and it's glad to see you back around, even if it's just for a day! :)
 
asdfghjkl;

all of your messages made me so happy, but RL, yours was tops.

I actually often say how the people on BL are the only ones (besides my family) who can really see the full extent of how I've changed because I didn't have any IRL friends when I was getting high when I was at my worst, so I spent all my time on here talking to you guys.

I have so much love for BL and BLers. <3
 
Nice post kc, and congrats on your recovery thus far. Long may it continue! You should be proud of yourself. Sure you are. ;)

Great to read a success story once in a while. I found IRL as a heroin addict I only ever saw those like me who were still caught up in it and failing. You never saw the ones who'd beaten the thing cos they moved out of the circle of users I knew, and as far away from the Heroin scene as possible, so it sometimes seemed like noone ever made it. I suspect the same applies here too to an extent, so it's really good that you dropped in with something so positive that I hope everyone here who's currently struggling with addiction can take encouragement from. Thanks! :)

Best of luck!
 
Better hope the people in your AA group dont find out your on suboxone, they will kick you right out of the orginization!!
 
xxkcxx- a little birdy told me you were back!
It's been a long time! <3
I am SO happy you came to share your experience and wisdom with everyone here.
You've always been remarkable, and with all of the growth you've gone through in the last few years- you are only all the more. <3
You say life still has it's struggles, and of course, it always will- but with your strength and the courage you've shown to get to the point you are now, I just know you will be successful in anything you set out to do.
I wish nothing but the best for you and hope that you find you can keep in contact on the site with us and show others the way.
We're all proud of you <3
 
kc, your post has made me really happy :) Congratulations, you've done so well. I can relate to what you've said and your post has really given me a lot of hope for my own future.
 
SececaRD said:
Better hope the people in your AA group dont find out your on suboxone, they will kick you right out of the orginization!!
Click to expand...

I can tell you that my sponsor, all my friends in the program, and the 12 step based treatment facility I attended and still go to individual therapy at all know I am on Suboxone. AA has no opinion on outside matters, including medicine. My BMT is between my doctor and I and no one else unless I choose to make it their business.

Though there are some people who act like the AA police, there are no leaders in AA and therefore no one with the authority to "kick me out." I have a desire to stop drinking and using, which is the only requirement for AA membership.
 
Sepher said:
Nice post kc, and congrats on your recovery thus far. Long may it continue! You should be proud of yourself. Sure you are. ;)

Great to read a success story once in a while. I found IRL as a heroin addict I only ever saw those like me who were still caught up in it and failing. You never saw the ones who'd beaten the thing cos they moved out of the circle of users I knew, and as far away from the Heroin scene as possible, so it sometimes seemed like noone ever made it. I suspect the same applies here too to an extent, so it's really good that you dropped in with something so positive that I hope everyone here who's currently struggling with addiction can take encouragement from. Thanks! :)

Best of luck!
Click to expand...

Thank you :) That last part of your post is exactly the reason I stopped back in, if even just for a short time. In general, those who get clean move on because that's usually what is necessary to continue sobriety so those of us struggling never really see an example of recovery.

ocean said:
xxkcxx- a little birdy told me you were back!
It's been a long time! <3
I am SO happy you came to share your experience and wisdom with everyone here.
You've always been remarkable, and with all of the growth you've gone through in the last few years- you are only all the more. <3
You say life still has it's struggles, and of course, it always will- but with your strength and the courage you've shown to get to the point you are now, I just know you will be successful in anything you set out to do.
I wish nothing but the best for you and hope that you find you can keep in contact on the site with us and show others the way.
We're all proud of you <3
Click to expand...

you are SUCH a sweetheart and always have been. i have so much love you <3

footscrazy said:
kc, your post has made me really happy :) Congratulations, you've done so well. I can relate to what you've said and your post has really given me a lot of hope for my own future.
Click to expand...

what I said to ocean applies to you too :) <3 never lose that hope!

Missykins said:
Thank you for providing a living, breathing example of that it can be done and how it can be done!
Click to expand...

<3
 
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