Not knowing yourself

datSTIMfreak

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 27, 2010
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Valley of the Spun
In the RHCP song, "Knock Me Down" Kiedis raps about drug addiction, and in the outro he says "It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself" over and over.
Is he referring to depersonalization or something? He could be. Btw I have DP. It sucks, and it's definitely possible that he is referring to it.
He could also be referring to when you're down and out, when you're at your worst, just saying "God how the fuck could I end up here? I had a great family, a house, a girlfriend, and now I'm doing this just to feel normal" That happened to me last year in downtown Phoenix. I had just graduated from high school, it was the hot summer in Phoenix, and I was sitting in a motel room, on a binge, shooting 80 mg of Dexedrine at a time. I finished a shot and felt alive... The only time I felt alive at that point was after taking a good shot of Dexedrine, and I looked in the mirror and thought, "God how the fuck could I get here. I'm 18 years old, just graduated high school, and I'm in a fucking motel shooting speed when my family is looking all over for me. Who is that person in the mirror?" And I ignored that thought, and went on a 3 day binge, then came back to the suburbs shaking and sweating and sleeping it off, then shooting enough to feel normal the next day. Has anyone had a similar experience, when you finally realize your not your old self, and that you've become the drug, pretty much. It's a lonely, lonely feeling.
 
Yes sometimes it is shocking when we see something that we have been ignoring. But your drug use does not diminish who you actually are, your worth is on a deeper level than your behaviours.

So you can remember that moment and use it as a push to get you living the life that you really want :)
 
I had it twice. Once that time and once a few months ago, when I became a weekend user again, where I looked in the mirror again, and when I looked in the mirror I immediately thought "Oh God I'm going to flash back to the motel" and I did. and I was happy. And that 2nd time, I quit amps...for good?
The craving's been coming back. Especially 'cause I have the brand name Dexedrine Spansules in my medicine cabinet (I faked ADHD and got prescribed a while ago) a few days ago I got one out of there and looked at it for a few minutes, thinking "Oh God how good it would feel to shoot that right now" and I put it back in the pill bottle.
 
I know everybody's going to tell me that I should throw the pill bottle out, but that would be no good, I have so many goddamn hookups for Dexedrine/Desoxyn, that probably 50% of the contacts on my phone (and I have a lot of contacts) are for those 2 drugs.
 
Man you realise you have a problem, this is a perfect opportunity to try and fix it before you lose your families trust. Ask your family for help, if you bring it up and tell them you need help, sure they might be shocked, assuming they don't know, but they will help you get on track. If you keep going where the fuck is it going to lead you?

Are you sure it's depersonalisation and not derealisation? I can't really comment on the former since I havn't had it but I do get derealisation often, you know those days that just feel like a dream? It's like that but constant. I remember once I was staring into the mirror and I had the most odd experience where I felt as if I was my own reflection watching the real me.


Just on the RHCP song.
I haven't read Scar Tissue and I don't know if Keidis reveals the message of the song. But my interpretation has always been that It's about living fast and not caring about much, but inside wanting to be more 'real' show feelings, 'know yourself' etc...

"If you see me getting by,
If you see me getting high,
Knock me down.
I'm not bigger than life"

"I'm tired of being untouchable."
 
I had depersonalization and derealization and it was caused by anxiety. Any stimulants especially caffiene used to make it worse. Once i got treated for my anxiety with clonazepam (this worked well for me but im not a doctor so im not going to suggest it to anyone else) it went away within about a week or so.

I used to get that feeling that i felt like i had lost myself somehow and that i wasent who i really was or used to be. I still get that feeling every now and again but i think it's just a product of getting older and my life changing.
 
Macee, that's my personal quote on my profile on BL lol.
Legerity-About a month. Been addicted to amps since I was 13. Shot amps from age 15 to age 19. Lived on the street for about a month after graduating high school, chasing the speed high all day and night. Amphetamine, especially IV dexedrine, destroyed most of my really good friend's from high school's lives, including mine for a while.
 
PA, I have DP and ocaisonally DR. They're a bitch. I'll look at my hand and think it's not mine, or look at something and see no depth in it. The first one is DP the second is DR.
 
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