Hey Blue and welcome to Blue Light and to TDS:D You sound like my type of person. Smart, well traveled, and good looking:D
Sorry long ass post coming in..
I suffered from social anxiety for years.. it was rough. I couldn't wrap my finger around why for the longest time and eventually just started believing that there was just something wrong with my brain. I also used drugs in social situations to help try and control that awful anxiety. I am intelligent, decent looking, free spirited, outgoing and have been successful in many areas. I have had relationships with good people and I to have pushed good people away.
I while back I was able to identify the root of my social anxiety and with a little effort I was able to figure out a few things and once I was able to accept these things I figured out as being correct My whole life changed and I no longer am bothered by any of the symptoms you describe.
Here is what I learned and how I was able to rid myself completelly from this life stifling dilemma.
Social Anxiety roots are that we use the opinions and approval of others to determine what we are. I remember that i had heard this years before I finally got it and I thought the person who told me this was nuts.. I thought a free spirit like me, yeah I dont think so. I often flew in the face of convention and often followed very unconventional paths. So this person who is telling me that I care need the approval of others clearly must not know me. When I finally wrapped my head around what was meant by this it really did make allot of sense.
Anxiety is an emotion and thus it comes from the unconscious part of our brains. This is why I didn't really recognize that I was basing my self worth and the worth of my life.. it wasn't my conscious mind that was basing my worth on the opinions of others.. it was my unconscious mind. I know this cause my conscious didn't care what most people thought. In fact it was just the opposite it thought it had all the answers.
The difference in this can be shown easily with a little example. We can be sitting out side the door of a social gathering, listening to the party going down on the other side of the door, feeling as uncomfortable as we can feel. The anxiety kicking hard.. all we ant to do is go inside and enjoy a simple party.. why do we feel like the worlds about to end.. its just a party.. everyone else seems to be having a good time.. so we said to ourselves something like alright im just going to remain calm and go in and do a little small talk and mingle.. yeah our conscious mind decides we are just going to go in and relax.. YEAH RIGHT.
We open the door and will ourselves inside.. the anxiety is overwhelming as we feel every eye in the whole place is on us.. but hey we had made the choice to just act cool and remain calm.. so why do we feel every eye judging our every move.. its not even that we are thinking that.. it like we cant move right even.. thinking I'm a damn athlete and I'm waking and moving like a malfunctioning robot here.. man I'm sweating like a pig and because im sweating more and because im think I might sweat more i'm sweating even more.. Hey and im a bright guy and pretty intelligent, why am I speaking the whole three words that someone basically had to climb in my mouth to get out in a volume level that was inaudible to even me.. What did I just mumble.. wow people must think im crazy.. alright I can't deal with this and we head right over to the booze and whatever else there is.. the intoxicants relieve us of the awkwardness and since we have been cooped up in that prison cell of anxiety for so long and it feels so good to be free of that awful burden.. we are then the life of the party.
But as you stated you had a drug problem that rout is definitely as roses and winning lottery tickets.. at least it was far from that for me
Since social anxiety is the need for approval of others.. We are placing what other think above what we think. But what are we needing their approval of?
It comes down to morals and values. By morals I just mean the way we act and by values I just mean what we value.
when we were getting ready for the party we made sure we looked good.. We put on our favorite shirt and all that.. when we looked in the mirror we thought we looked pretty damn good.. but then why when we got to the party were we so concerned and anxious over how we looked and dressed.. because it really didn't matter what we thought as how good we looked and how nice we dressed in our own minds was nothing compared to what other people thought about how we looked and what we were wareing.
As we stood a little off.. you know we found a little nitch to hide in, we would listen to the conversation.. sometime there may have been some buffoon who was arguing everything in an argument we didn't agree with.. just belting out nonsense in our opinions.. we would think to ourselves that person is a fool.. they are totally wrong about this and this is the way it really is.. and wow I cant believe they just said that.. I know for a fact with out a doubt that that person is totally full of it.. then out of the blue someone we know asks us our opinion.. and we go from absolutely sure of ourselves to almost unable to talk. The reason is that even though a second before we absolutely sure or out thoughts and believed in our point, we can now hardly talk because what we think will now be stated openly for others to judge and since we need them to approve we are terrified and can't hardly talk. even though we are sure of our thoughts the value of those thoughts doesn't come from what we think or even whats true, it come from the opinions and feedback from the people we are speaking in front of.
What do we do to stop this nonsense and suffering? We have to identify and accept OUR morals and identify and accept OUR values. These are OUR values and morals.. not what our parent value, not what society tell us is important, not how they told us to act in grade school.. but we need to identify and accept the correct way for YOU to act based on what it the right way to YOU and identify and accept what is important for YOU based on what YOU value.
When I finally figured out the way I needed to behave, bases on what I knew was correct for me, and then accepted that this was the true way I needed to act and it was correct for me, and then acted this way.. well then the opinions and acceptance of others on the way I behaved no longer were important. When I figured out and accepted what I valued as absolutely correct for me and shifted my life in pursuit of my values then I no longer cared what other people thought was important or what they thought of what i was doing.
The reason i pushed people I loved away was I needed them to accept me as I needed their approval. The more I respected and loved someone the more I sometimes pushed them away. Because I needed their praise, love, admiration, to such a degree.. because I needed that approval and reassurance to build my worth and value off of it often would put great strain on a relationship. For when our whole lives and the determination of our lives is based on what others think of us and we have not developed a healthy respect and love of yourself then things can get strained in a relationship quick.. its so funny that we often come off as arogant or so self assured with people we are in relationships with. I think this is because we are always trying to impress the other person and win their praise. cause we need it to feel good about life and ourselves, that we come off all high and mighty.. The more we like and respect someone the more we experiences the need for their approval.
When someone we love doesn't give us that constant praise and approval or cuts us down or even jokes with us it can feel like the world is coming to an end and the relationship is a wreck.. We are just so dependent on what the other person thinks and how they treat us that the minute they don't provide this for us our world can crumble and then we are really hurt and act like idiots or withdrawal or do so many other insane things.
I think to a person who doesn't have social anxiety this can look like we are arrogant, Big headed, selfish babies who loose our shit whenever anything isn't going exactly our way. The truth is that we are the most unassured, least self confident, whose whole worlds crumble if the people we respect dont constantly give us praise and tell us how good we are, and tell us we are doing great in life.
Also since we value these people opinions so strongly and we most likely have been dumped by one or more which we were head over heals in love with and literally had the world end.. wouldn't it seem natural for people who think the way we do to push someone away rather than taking the chance that we let them in and show them exactly who we are. Cause if we let them through the walls we have up and let them see us and then they leave us that would mean that we are worthless.. if we let them through and they reject the real us that would mean we aren't good enough.. cause their opinion and acceptance are what we determine the worth of ourselves on. So the chance is to great to let them in and have them reject and leave us, cause then we Would have to admit we are worthless.
When you do this, the opinions of others, and this is earth and every tom, dick and hairy and every mary, stef, and bertha.. has a damn opinion on everything and they will then be just that someone elses opinion.. we are all full of shit.. them, me, you.. but if we know anything its whats important and correct to us.
You have to learn to love yourself so the one who loves you will be able to find you. Follow and belive in your heart as its the only thing that knows where you need to go and how you need to get there. Your worth is based on who you are and who you are has nothing to do with what others think. Who are you and where do you need to go?
