• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Not feeling great. Like at all.

paltatomate

paltatomate

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Oct 7, 2022
Messages
11,094
So I had a very nice, inspiring, positive and productive week.
Now I'm starting to feel anxious, dizzy and very tense.

I can blame the sultry weather, or the fact that I ate a full meal (eating much makes me feel anxious because of how the stomach presses against the lung and this changes how I breathe). Would be easy because those factors will resolve by themselves.

But there are more subtle things going on.
1. My one-week vacation is over, and though I don't have a 9-5 office job, I still have to do unrewarding stuff for very little pay (and no, I can't simply change jobs that easily)
2. My brother uploaded a status to his WhatApp which is definitely meant for me and I should ignore it because it's so obvious and childish but I can't (not reacting to it isn't the same as ignoring).

All the things I planned on doing in the next days seem suddenly impossible to accomplish and I fear that tomorrow I will wake up like the brain dead zombie I was before I took the week off.
 
Did some gardening, played with the dogs, helped my mom with a phone issue, took a bath, drank some of the Sauvignon Blanc I didn't have yesterday, played a videogame, then some more with the dogs, cursed my nails for growing so fast, and everything was fine. Ideas, motivation, clarity of thought, inner peace...

Now I'm ready for bed and the bad feelings came back like an avalanche :(
 
someguyontheinternet said:
Have you considered talking to a therapist? They might have some insight on how to structure things to reduce your nighttime anxiety
Click to expand...
Done that. It's complex. I'm managing, like I've been doing for five or so years now. It's just that I allowed myself to take a one-week break, and it was eye opening and inspiring and I'm afraid to fall back into the old death-trap zombie routine.
 
Electrum1 said:
Take a walk for a few miles and maybe it'll help clear you out and/or create some new productive ideas about things
Click to expand...
and @SunriseChampion
Valid suggestion. But it's also something one of the thirty first Google search results would provide. If thing we're that easy, I wouldn't have bothered to post here in the first place.
Anywayy, thanks for the response.
 
Electrum1 said:
Yeah, that's why I asked. Hope things get better for you
Click to expand...
I always liked to walk. Missed the bus? Nevermind, I walk until I can catch the next one or rech my destination. Once it took me 6 hours (36 km). I was the one kid who didn't ride a bike to school because walking was so more fun (you just see so much more).
Then COVID came and we were allowed 2 hours of outside time twice a week for shopping and such things. I went walking. Lived the beach, it was wonderful!
Then came the post-covid time where everybody could roam freely but only if wearing a mask and suddenly I couldn't go anywhere because I couldn't breath with a facemask on. That was about the time I stopped going out for long walks.
There's more to it but I don't want to get into details. The thing is that "go for a walk" might not that easy even for someone who likes and did walk a lot.

I'm positive things will get better.
But nothing happens overnights
 
My brain feels fried. Bones that should be ok are feeling oddly out of place not to mention blood circulation pathways/chambers pressure zones misfiring but a sofa while intoxicated for this many hours and days and weeks on end isn't exactly recommended for good alignment.
I feel dead and life is just an existential enslavement. I refuse to make the spiritual changes they have proven to me are the only solution for someone as sick and far gone in the thinker as me but the thing is when I binge it becomes the opposite of fun in several days so for me not to change is the very definition of insanity incurable by modern medicine.

I feel like hell and have hell to pay yet again.

Story of my life.

Yet then I have nothing to complain about a man in New Delhi worried about bread on the table...ya I will forget how blessed I am while I let the beast drag me to the depths?

I really don't want to have to go to prison or be pushed around by an enforced treatment system hellbent on profiting off my ailment yet I relinquish personal power when I let myself go into its grips who is to say the government means worse for my unbridled self-destructive agony?

I know what needs to be done here and that is prioritizing meditation above catching a buzz...if I seek a buzz and fail to meditate...in we go through the 'beast gate'...they tell me addiction is an entity looking for a host I cannot deny I need a psychic change to shake this animal living I envy how structured you are hope you feel well soon I sure am going to start shaking my own chains off because they are starting to feel like I may end up in the gutter for good at this pace nonsense I didn't mean to ramble I am doing better than yesterday will go into where I should to put the drink down first thing tomorrow or fate wouldn't allow me to tread further down those trashed alleys of getting sloshed to the point my organs feel like they are failing
 
Last edited:
salamandala said:
I feel like hell and have hell to pay yet again.
Click to expand...
From what I understand you're in a not so good place right now. I hope it will passs soon. Wish I could give you a more extensive answer but I'm not on my best myself (and sedated)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top