adder
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2006
- Messages
- 2,851
If it's too long, then just read the last paragraph. I'm not sure if this is the right place for this thread, but I think yes, because this is strictly related to my past drug use.
For my whole teenage life the only parent I could really count on was my mum, my dad was addicted to alcohol, and when I started maturing, he completely lost control over it. In my childhood I also preferred telling a secret to my mum rather than my dad. As a result I'm more sensitive than most guys I know, I would even say that my character is actually partially female. I've also always got along much much better with girls than boys. I did have male mates, but my relations with them were never as deep as with girls. However, I had a hard time coping with love and related stuff. I started taking drugs because of a girl, I developed depression because of a girl, a lot of problems in my life were directly or indirectly caused by some events involving girls. I've taken opioids since I was 14 (I'm 24 now) and although now I'm on Suboxone, I still have a lot of cravings, because I didn't develop much drug-unrelated methods of coping with problems or at least it's hard for me. I took benzodiazepines for 9 years, I'm clean for over 2 months now, I eventually decided I need to fix my life, because I've lost too much time already.
At this age I should at least be partially self-sufficient financially, but my depression, my loneliness, and my drug use first ruined my chemistry studies, then my mum convinced me to start studying IT although I didn't like the idea in the beginning. Now I'm quitting it and I want to start studying chemistry in October. The money is a lot of problem, but I guess the bigger problem is my mum doesn't really treat me like a grown-up. When I'm out for a night, I'm getting phone calls all the time that she's worrying that I will crash her car again, blablabla... But the truth is in my opinion that she doesn't like me going out for some reason. She's lonely as my dad died 2 years ago. I'm not really a "good boy", I do stupid stuff sometimes, and I do take drugs. I've figured that because Suboxone doesn't cut it, I'm looking for something else taking my mind off the stressing thoughts. I crashed the car last year after a week of no sleeping taking amphetamine, mephedrone, and smoking weed. But I think I've learnt my lesson, so this just can be the real reason why my mum doesn't sleep well when I'm out. A few years back when I was on morphine and then heroin, it all was happening when I was out, but firstly there's no heroin in my city, and secondly I'm past that, and despite the cravings I know I won't go back shooting morphine/heroin every day. And although Suboxone doesn't help me 100%, I don't even want methadone instead, I'm done with it, it would be like a few steps back going that road again.
Last night I dropped in with a girl, because she wanted to assure my mum that I'm sober, and I'm just sitting with her in the car talking, so I don't have to give back car keys. Well, I've lately realized this girl is important to me, for years my relations with girls were intense but bad, I didn't trust anyone etc. She is a friend to me, and I don't think I've had much friends in my life. She's probably the first person to really defend me when I'm right and a bunch of people diminish me, because their opinion is different. And it doesn't matter if it's my family, a stranger, a gangster, it doesn't matter. And my mum offended me by saying later that she's "intelligent" just as I am (well, the girl was drunk a bit, and that's all...). I know it's my mum and she probably wants good for me, but I think this is too much. I realized I didn't prepare some ground for myself beyond my closest family, it's all somehow new to me. Although I did have a lot of relationships, they were always short and ended badly, all I learnt from them was that everyone wants to trick me. It's only recently that I figured people outside the family may be there for me for real. And when my mum doesn't like people I hang out with, it makes me torn apart. And if I eventually reject the people I like and am close with (there's few of them, but they are there, I realized), I will be forever stuck at home and incapable of living my life by myself. I was too frightened of being hurt for years, now I'm much less, and I need intimacy and support a lot. Perhaps my mum is not fully aware of it all and she doesn't know that she actually does wrong for me even if she wants good.
In the end I do want to have my own family, a life partner, children, career, home. But how can I do that if I refuse every life offer, because it would make my mum angry with me. I guess I'm too used to hearing advice from my mum, and now it's hard for me to believe that they're not good now. I also tend to think through decisions for the infinity, I put off choosing an option, because then it seems to me that I still have the opportunity and don't face the possible negative consequences of it at the same time, which is wrong. There is stuff I don't have a single person to talk to about, and these are really things that could potentially change my life and let me spread my wings finally. I know I have to make that decisions myself, but it worries me that I don't have a person whom I could tell literally everything so that I know that someone listens to me even if I don't get any advice.
To make it all worse, the loneliness is now really killing me. It's not a depressed feeling any more, it's rather a panicking feeling. I don't have that one person I could hug, kiss, smile at, laugh with... Talk about problems, give and take advice, someone for whom I would be the most important person in the world without whom she wouldn't be able to live normally. Not just a friend. This is so bad, and it makes me strangely anxious to the point I can't be still when I start thinking about it. I've recently met a girl I had come to know in Summer last year, she's 4 years younger. As I'm an only child, I tend to behave like an older brother to younger girls. She's seeing someone, but the guy is a tweaker, and she said she couldn't stand him lately. I think that I could be with her if I really wanted to, I mean, I could make things happen so that we would end up together. The problem is she parties too much, well, she takes too much drugs. This is nothing new to me, I had a lot of girls addicted to stronger stuff than she is, so I think I could make her stop in a way that she wouldn't even know that I made her quit. She's really crazy and that's what I like about her, but I hate seeing a girl completely drunk or drugged to the point she looks like a mess. I noticed that I tend to fall for girls with problems, and I could be that saviour... Right now it all seems obvious, I know the next steps I need to take to get closer to her, but is it really what I need deep in my heart? I still don't know her well enough to know if she's able to support me.
I've figured that I'm simply not adapted to life and it frightens me that I actually don't have anything that would really be mine, material or not. My question is basically: how do I get used to the life going on so fast with so many decisions to make? The first thing I do when some anxiogenic thought strikes me is, most often unconsciously, thinking that I need to take a pill as I used to do with benzodiazepines when I couldn't calm myself down and stop thinking about something. I'm afraid of diving deeper into life, it appears, and there is no other way. I'm constantly afraid that I will be hurt either by people or my own decisions. I postpone making decisions and I'm still in the same place, not moving forward. How do I learn new methods of solving problems without drugs? I feel so old, at least I feel that I'm not getting used to new variables as easy as I did when I was a kid obviously.
For my whole teenage life the only parent I could really count on was my mum, my dad was addicted to alcohol, and when I started maturing, he completely lost control over it. In my childhood I also preferred telling a secret to my mum rather than my dad. As a result I'm more sensitive than most guys I know, I would even say that my character is actually partially female. I've also always got along much much better with girls than boys. I did have male mates, but my relations with them were never as deep as with girls. However, I had a hard time coping with love and related stuff. I started taking drugs because of a girl, I developed depression because of a girl, a lot of problems in my life were directly or indirectly caused by some events involving girls. I've taken opioids since I was 14 (I'm 24 now) and although now I'm on Suboxone, I still have a lot of cravings, because I didn't develop much drug-unrelated methods of coping with problems or at least it's hard for me. I took benzodiazepines for 9 years, I'm clean for over 2 months now, I eventually decided I need to fix my life, because I've lost too much time already.
At this age I should at least be partially self-sufficient financially, but my depression, my loneliness, and my drug use first ruined my chemistry studies, then my mum convinced me to start studying IT although I didn't like the idea in the beginning. Now I'm quitting it and I want to start studying chemistry in October. The money is a lot of problem, but I guess the bigger problem is my mum doesn't really treat me like a grown-up. When I'm out for a night, I'm getting phone calls all the time that she's worrying that I will crash her car again, blablabla... But the truth is in my opinion that she doesn't like me going out for some reason. She's lonely as my dad died 2 years ago. I'm not really a "good boy", I do stupid stuff sometimes, and I do take drugs. I've figured that because Suboxone doesn't cut it, I'm looking for something else taking my mind off the stressing thoughts. I crashed the car last year after a week of no sleeping taking amphetamine, mephedrone, and smoking weed. But I think I've learnt my lesson, so this just can be the real reason why my mum doesn't sleep well when I'm out. A few years back when I was on morphine and then heroin, it all was happening when I was out, but firstly there's no heroin in my city, and secondly I'm past that, and despite the cravings I know I won't go back shooting morphine/heroin every day. And although Suboxone doesn't help me 100%, I don't even want methadone instead, I'm done with it, it would be like a few steps back going that road again.
Last night I dropped in with a girl, because she wanted to assure my mum that I'm sober, and I'm just sitting with her in the car talking, so I don't have to give back car keys. Well, I've lately realized this girl is important to me, for years my relations with girls were intense but bad, I didn't trust anyone etc. She is a friend to me, and I don't think I've had much friends in my life. She's probably the first person to really defend me when I'm right and a bunch of people diminish me, because their opinion is different. And it doesn't matter if it's my family, a stranger, a gangster, it doesn't matter. And my mum offended me by saying later that she's "intelligent" just as I am (well, the girl was drunk a bit, and that's all...). I know it's my mum and she probably wants good for me, but I think this is too much. I realized I didn't prepare some ground for myself beyond my closest family, it's all somehow new to me. Although I did have a lot of relationships, they were always short and ended badly, all I learnt from them was that everyone wants to trick me. It's only recently that I figured people outside the family may be there for me for real. And when my mum doesn't like people I hang out with, it makes me torn apart. And if I eventually reject the people I like and am close with (there's few of them, but they are there, I realized), I will be forever stuck at home and incapable of living my life by myself. I was too frightened of being hurt for years, now I'm much less, and I need intimacy and support a lot. Perhaps my mum is not fully aware of it all and she doesn't know that she actually does wrong for me even if she wants good.
In the end I do want to have my own family, a life partner, children, career, home. But how can I do that if I refuse every life offer, because it would make my mum angry with me. I guess I'm too used to hearing advice from my mum, and now it's hard for me to believe that they're not good now. I also tend to think through decisions for the infinity, I put off choosing an option, because then it seems to me that I still have the opportunity and don't face the possible negative consequences of it at the same time, which is wrong. There is stuff I don't have a single person to talk to about, and these are really things that could potentially change my life and let me spread my wings finally. I know I have to make that decisions myself, but it worries me that I don't have a person whom I could tell literally everything so that I know that someone listens to me even if I don't get any advice.
To make it all worse, the loneliness is now really killing me. It's not a depressed feeling any more, it's rather a panicking feeling. I don't have that one person I could hug, kiss, smile at, laugh with... Talk about problems, give and take advice, someone for whom I would be the most important person in the world without whom she wouldn't be able to live normally. Not just a friend. This is so bad, and it makes me strangely anxious to the point I can't be still when I start thinking about it. I've recently met a girl I had come to know in Summer last year, she's 4 years younger. As I'm an only child, I tend to behave like an older brother to younger girls. She's seeing someone, but the guy is a tweaker, and she said she couldn't stand him lately. I think that I could be with her if I really wanted to, I mean, I could make things happen so that we would end up together. The problem is she parties too much, well, she takes too much drugs. This is nothing new to me, I had a lot of girls addicted to stronger stuff than she is, so I think I could make her stop in a way that she wouldn't even know that I made her quit. She's really crazy and that's what I like about her, but I hate seeing a girl completely drunk or drugged to the point she looks like a mess. I noticed that I tend to fall for girls with problems, and I could be that saviour... Right now it all seems obvious, I know the next steps I need to take to get closer to her, but is it really what I need deep in my heart? I still don't know her well enough to know if she's able to support me.
I've figured that I'm simply not adapted to life and it frightens me that I actually don't have anything that would really be mine, material or not. My question is basically: how do I get used to the life going on so fast with so many decisions to make? The first thing I do when some anxiogenic thought strikes me is, most often unconsciously, thinking that I need to take a pill as I used to do with benzodiazepines when I couldn't calm myself down and stop thinking about something. I'm afraid of diving deeper into life, it appears, and there is no other way. I'm constantly afraid that I will be hurt either by people or my own decisions. I postpone making decisions and I'm still in the same place, not moving forward. How do I learn new methods of solving problems without drugs? I feel so old, at least I feel that I'm not getting used to new variables as easy as I did when I was a kid obviously.
