Non addicts never understand :(

[Jabberwocky]

A couple of things...

1) "They say shit that is completely soul crushing when they are mad." The part I have bolded here is what is important. You've actually halfway home if you can see the temporary elevated emotions driving the harsh words. Getting upset and lashing out at others is a common primal urge for a lot of people. And more often than not, it's less about what they actually think/feel but what they know would get under your skin. On a better day, they likely would not have been driven to such hating. A lot of people deep down are baseline miserable and are harsh to other people in order to feel less threatened by their harshness to themselves. Thus, while it may feel like a calculated attack that displays a person's well-developed views on the topic, in reality it is more likely an impulsive bark to temporarily numb their own pain. Being able to see it for what it is, or just getting into the practice of characterizing all hate this way, allows you to much more easily deflect it. If you can deflect it and don't let it get to you, then you won't have other voices echoing your own internal critiques of yourself (because let's just accept that we are very hard on ourselves...it's why we medicate) and your own thoughts won't have any additional power.

2) Drawing from what I brought up above, some of us medicate with drugs, others with bad attitudes toward others. Like they say, there are "dry drunks" out there who don't have drinking problems. We live in a harsh society where a lot of people are very uncomfortable and unsatisfied with where their lives are at. And instead of trying to better their own environments, they try to bring the environments of others around them down to their miserable level. This type of judging, being negative and picking on people, complete with the emotional rush it gives as well as the temporary numbing of emotional pain, is absolutely as addictive and hard to quit as a drug addiction. Sure, it's a completely different kind of battle, but it's a destructive lifestyle that hurts both you and those around you. Point is, there are plenty of addictive and destructive traps out there and it's unfortunate that it's not easier for people to relate to one another through their common themes.

3) People like to be on teams. Team opiate addict, team eating disorder, team smoker. And they like to create rivalries. It's very unfortunate, as this is a source of a lot of the worst stuff in the world. So even if quitting heroin is harder than quitting smoking, why bother even having an argument over it? The argument will just stress you out and when you're stressed you will want to get high. Compete with yourself and your past, but not with others.

4) As critical as I am of 12-step recovery and the Disease Model, one great thing about it is that as it is slowly accepted into society, the notion that this fight is only about will-power, or that addicts are weak-willed, will slowly be retired. Does will-power play a role in it? Absolutely. It takes a TON of will-power to get and stay clean. Personally, I feel like the will-power I had to use to get off of heroin dwarfs the will-power that is involved in other things most people do. Going to work everyday, going hard in the gym, eating well, learning new trades, and so on. These things are so easy for me compared to quitting heroin, and I think that experience, those years in hell, gave me a superior will-power for a lot of things in life compared to many of my peers. Maybe as you stay clean longer you will start to notice how accomplishing other things feels so much easier, even with all of the silly shackles we still typically wear into early recovery (poverty, criminal record, etc). Often you have to treat yourself really badly before you truly can master doing good.

Amazing post. Particular 4). Thank you RL!!!!

 

[jessrwhatalias]

Oh man do I get that. I told my parents yesterday that I was 2 months sober. They knew very little about my addiction in the first place, and within 3 days of them finding out I was using, I moved back into their house and was cut off from everything. We never talked about my addiction, they only found out when a concerned friend of mine sent them a screenshot of our texts. My dads response to my accomplishment was a teary eyed "I'm so proud." My moms response was "ugh what does that even mean," and eye rolling and sighing when I elaborated. It's so hard having little to no support system. I relapsed today.

 

[RedLeader]

Yes, not having a support system definitely makes getting clean more difficult. I've been there. My family never really understood while it was at its worst. It's a terrifying form of loneliness.

With that said, do not fall into the trap of thinking that you cannot do it alone. This is a common phrase in recovery dogma, but honestly it's not always true. If you want something bad enough, you absolutely can do it on your own. People who tell you that it's impossible to do it on your own are projecting their own dissatisfaction with themselves for having always failed when they tried to go it alone. The brain in active addiction is a scholar of excuses and justifications, and it's ridiculously easy to use being alone or feeling abandoned as a reason to keep using. You have to train yourself to be able to survive on your own when you have to. Not jut with addiction, but it's an essential skill for lots of journeys in life.

 

[simco]

thanks, everyone for this thread. dopesick and feeling shamed as hell, i don't have much to add except, thanks.

lying around sick the last few days, i've found myself weighing the virtues of facing the sad disappointment of my support network versus having no support network at all. having known a lot of folks on the addiction -> partial recovery -> addiction merry-go-round who had nobody to help them, i'm glad for the folks who have my back, despite their limits. to me the question is: do i feel more alone when i know my wife is disgusted with me, or when i feel like nobody cares enough to feel anything?

 

[Moreaux]

What a great thread - I am sorry to be late for the party. Yes, normal people cannot relate to the addicted experience, though I think people are becoming much more educated regarding addiction than they were years ago. Really that's the case with any aspect of the human experience, unless we have dealt with something directly or witnessed a loved on deal with the experience it's difficult to understand the nuances that comprise the experience, this their behavior.

The lack of understanding by the outside world was the singular most painful and devestating circumstance of my early recovery. Everyone thought I was selfish and would resort to any means necessary to use, because I was selfish and just wanted to to do what I wanted to do. I was very fortunate to have a support system that took it upon themselves to become educated in addiction to really understand the dynamics involved (the self medicating, the deceit, etc). Even with that it took time for them to trust me again. Ironically, what ultimately regained their trust was my honesty about my relapse. When I relapsed I was 100% transparent so they experienced my relapse and subsequent recovery.

I found at some point the healthiest thing to do for recovery is to stop dwelling on the perception of others. People are always going to judge, and most people are not going to take the time to educate themselves on the aspect they are judging. Addicts have it worse because addiction is viewed as blatantly against society and thus we become a stigmatized and marginalized group. The majority of society does not view addiction as a symptom of a larger issue, nor are they going to change their world view on whim. Learning to own your issues goes a long way in stopping the guilt for our use.

Being an addict doesn't remove accountability from our actions, it just lets us know that something is failing and we are sick, and I am not referencing addiction as a disease or anything along those lines, just stating we are in a state of illness when we are in active addiction. Many times it is a mental health issue, but not always. Society doesn't judge cancer patients harshly while they go through treatment, but addicts are judged during every step of the recovery process. It is not fair but it is fact. Regardless, it's the actions that we take to resolve this issue is to bring ourselves back to health that matter. We fight for our health and we survive and overcome the illness to lead a healthier life and we are much strong more resilient people for that war. I will not judge myself for how I fought that battle nor will I judge myself or others for being ill, just like I wouldn't judge the cancer patient. Relapse is part of recovery, and requires that we achieve some level of sobriety in order to relapse, which is ultimately many steps forward and fewer back.

If you feel like the way you are fighting the battle is being judged by peers or loved ones take the opportunity to educate them. If they are not willing to listen then dismiss them as they are toxic - they will either come around or they won't- you have no control over them. Some people are not rational all the time, and some people quite literally can't see past their own preconceptions, do not measure your value as a person on their biases or judgments. Nobody wants to be an addict nor do they want the underlying pain which precipitates addiction. You know where you have been and you know the time and energy you have invested to better your situation and that is what matters. Continuing to judge yourself by other's definitions is harmful and will only serve to prolong recovery, and it is truly counterproductive. Addicts in recovery are survivors and I think one day in the near future society will recognize that aspect of addiction and we will be regarded as strong as courageous just as anyone else who survives a devestating medical condition is.

If somebody wants to focus on who I was years ago and not who I am today and the journey I took to get here than they have larger issues and are not the type of person I need in my life. Addiction is part of my history and an aspect of my total being, it is not my complete identity. I will not apologize for being ill equipped to deal with the issues that lead to my addiction, I was not born an expert and had to work very hard to educate and implement my plan for recovery, as all of you have had to do. Be proud of your accomplishments!

 

[Lexiegarden]

Addiction steals and recovery heals.
Addiction destroys every aspect of self. It is hard to understand self without addiction so with addiction I feel self is seen as an illusion and doesn't want to acknowledge what self has become.
It's no wonder how the primoral feeling of anger resonates between the relationship of a nonaddict to an addict. We think being Angry will stimulate the brain to listen. Doesn't screaming cause alarms in the brain. The Addict wants to keep the addiction going and protecting themselves and the nonaddict wants them to stop. Both sides get angry for not listening to what self wants!

Normal people have a hard time accepting someone different from themselves.
I have been battling addiction for a long time! I do not have someone getting mad at me to stop. I hear the addict not wanting anyone in their way but Try to appreciate that you do have someone that cares. They do not understand. They see an Addict standing in the middle of the highway and they are trying to tell them a semi is going to hit you. They say don't you see the truck coming right for Ya?
i thought I could clearly see when I was an addict but I know that I can only see self when I do not use!
But I do understand both sides.
It's more than a brain disease. It affects every system in my body! i am still trying everyday to repair what I have done to myself. The mind is truly a powerful force. Who is the master?
I think for me I had to find out how to take care of my mind and how to find peace! I felt I was always at unrest in my mind!
Such freedom to speak what's on my mind and to be validated to be heard no matter what you are.

 

[the last dose]

D3 how ya doin i just read your thread im pullin for ya! you got it this time.

 

[herbavore]

Addiction steals and recovery heals.
Addiction destroys every aspect of self. It is hard to understand self without addiction so with addiction I feel self is seen as an illusion and doesn't want to acknowledge what self has become.
It's no wonder how the primoral feeling of anger resonates between the relationship of a nonaddict to an addict. We think being Angry will stimulate the brain to listen. Doesn't screaming cause alarms in the brain. The Addict wants to keep the addiction going and protecting themselves and the nonaddict wants them to stop. Both sides get angry for not listening to what self wants!

Normal people have a hard time accepting someone different from themselves.
I have been battling addiction for a long time! I do not have someone getting mad at me to stop. I hear the addict not wanting anyone in their way but Try to appreciate that you do have someone that cares. They do not understand. They see an Addict standing in the middle of the highway and they are trying to tell them a semi is going to hit you. They say don't you see the truck coming right for Ya?
i thought I could clearly see when I was an addict but I know that I can only see self when I do not use!
But I do understand both sides.
It's more than a brain disease. It affects every system in my body! i am still trying everyday to repair what I have done to myself. The mind is truly a powerful force. Who is the master?
I think for me I had to find out how to take care of my mind and how to find peace! I felt I was always at unrest in my mind!
Such freedom to speak what's on my mind and to be validated to be heard no matter what you are.

This is a great post.

 

[d3athadone]

D3 how ya doin i just read your thread im pullin for ya! you got it this time.

I'm doing a lot bettter!! 1 Month sober this saturday. Shits been tough. I pretty much dream about using every night, but during the day my resolve in strong. I'm pretty sure after 9 years of hell I have finally found my way. I'm being extremely mindful of my addiction this time around. I don't have time for wishy washy thoughts or dreams about using.

 

[the last dose]

I'm doing a lot bettter!! 1 Month sober this saturday. Shits been tough. I pretty much dream about using every night, but during the day my resolve in strong. I'm pretty sure after 9 years of hell I have finally found my way. I'm being extremely mindful of my addiction this time around. I don't have time for wishy washy thoughts or dreams about using.[/QUOTE


good for you brotha! i envy you i gotta get there too its been alot longer for me like 18 or 19 years now best of luck

 

[d3athadone]

Its still possible bro. Believe in yourself and a better future. Doesn't matter how much longer your on this earth, we want it to be better!

 

[the last dose]

Its still possible bro. Believe in yourself and a better future. Doesn't matter how much longer your on this earth, we want it to be better!

thanks bro!!

 

[simco]

you guys fuckin rule, d3thadone and tld. let's keep up the hard work.