Nobody mentions that or why empathogens can be horribly, undeniably addictive (meph)

[BlueZirnitra]

I've discovered mephedrone fairly recently, and in a month or so, I would say around 20 grams has been purchased and used between me and roughly two other friends. I find I'm at the rational conclusion that I could have a problem with this drug. It brings an immense, positive, rushing wave of feelings like love, respect, understanding and contentment. Feelings that very quickly leave as the dose begins to wear off. At this point I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that I love my friends, and they love me, just a little less because the drug in fact made them love me more. I find it frustrating that we no longer have such an amazing understanding of each other's thoughts and feelings. I get feelings of loss, regret, the urge to chase the night and the bitter feeling that the friends who were the center of my world are a little more distant and I crave their affection again.

In short, im addicted to my friends and the incredible bonding that occurs on meph. The thought of doing it alone doesn't occur, and I am indifferent about the cost as long as I can secure a night with someone I appreciate. I find that the day after, everyone turns sensible and insists upon moderation in future, but then we find it extremely easy to get each other excited about meph again. We work together, so before we know it were bouncing through our shifts giddy with anticipation of doing it THAT NIGHT unless some immovable obstacle delays us.

One of my friends, male like me, freaked himself out on a mad night of booze and powder. He's not what I'd call educated or careful, and seems to have taken MDMA, mephedrone and alcohol with no respect for the qualities of each. He got "****** up" for the sake of it. Now he insists he won't do meph anymore. I'm ok with this because he brings the irresponsible bringing vibe, but I'm grateful for the unusually intense bonding we had on it. I feel like we'll always be something unique. He's a closed, guarded guy with a lot of bravado, but I've seen the loving, thoughtful guy beneath it. He reveals things about himself that make him vulnerable and likeable, and his bravado peels away to reveal an inherent honor. We have an understanding that couldn't have happened without drugs.

The other friend is a girl. I always thought she was attractive, then developed a crush on her. Without drugs, she is the most warm, sensitive, caring, giving, infectiously funny person i've ever been friends with. On mephedrone, shes perfect and almost overwhelmingly interesting. It seems imperative that I have her, because there is only one of her and every other woman is repulsively different. She is for all intents and purposes gay, and in a steady, meaningful relationship with another girl. However, she loves me, we have a pretty unique friendship, we talk about everything, but most notably, we feel giddy and excited around each other as we discover more about how close we are. It feels very similar to a relationship, although she has made it clear that we won't be together. She's incredibly feminine and "straight" seeming, as her sexuality seems to have to derived from the fact that all the men in her life have been disgusting disappointments. She finds men attractive, but the one time she had straight sex she hated it. She is intimidated by men. I feel like a protector, an example that men can be comforting and kind too, and I know she has almost never had a stable male presence in her life therefore I feel she is expressing all the childish playfulness, sisterly banter and vulnerable neediness that she has always lacked a stable male figure to aim at. I'm addicted to her. She gives almost everything of herself to me on meph. I feel like a dad, a brother and a boyfriend all at once and this stops me from being able to disengage and enter the rejection phase. The I want her on meph with me, which her girlfriend is ok with but not overly happy about. They have a very honest relationship and her girlfriend knows very well how close me and her are, but I don't see her enough because of how committed they are. Meph accelerates our relationship and makes up for lost time, but every time we do it, this nice, fit, healthy girl is portraying herself as more dependent and irresponsible.

I spend the night with her and feel the rush of being in love, and her intense closeness and comfort around me reinforces my wishful thinking and desire for her. Meph has turned a nice friendship into a complicated web of feelings that leave me reeling the next day. One minute I feel amazing, like we're building something special, and the selfish lust recedes allowing me to really respect the relationship she is already in. The next, I feel indifferent, or horrible. Horribly melancholic, because I've discovered an incredible l lifelong friend, a person that fills a gap I didn't know I had in my life, but I ache for more. Meph brings me to terms with how things are and brings us closer to an agreement as to where I stand and what the boundaries are, but also gives me a bizarre and selfish confidence that I can bring her round by showing her that some men are completely different, and that we're not all rough overbearing and insensitive. Meph makes her uninhibited, she tells me if she was into guys things would be different. It makes her playful and exciting. She is eager to be close to me, and tactile, while high.

In short, empathogens are making me harmfully addicted to my friends, even though I hate seeing them coming down and getting nosebleeds. I hate the awkward mutual rejection and inability to communicate meaningfully for a day or two. I feel like meph in particular is a fickle beast when it comes to influencing real life. One time I'll feel like some damage has been done to our relationship. Another, ill feel like we've learnt valuable things and grown closer. Either way, I feel like I need to spend obscene money on chem because I feel our friendship deserves nothing less than the occasionaleuphoric experience. I was warned not to do this with her, and I should have listened. I think meph is mimicking the progression of a mutual romance and I suspect this type of addiction could happen with any type of person you appreciate or find interesting.

Sorry for the life story, but I felt context was necessary. I hope others have thought about this, anyone experienced it?

As an aside, I intend to try MDMA soon, probably with her. Is it likely to be the same story? Am I (heaven forbid) potentially likely to try and get physical with her or, like meph, does MDMA have a pretty coherent, clear high? I feel very capable and aware of myself on meph, I'd never do anything really out of character.

 

[Ecstuhcy]

Any drug can be addictive. Alcohol, prescription drugs even weed.

 

[nAON]

The thing with meph is, it isn't exactly an empathogen. It's more like a heavy stimulant with some empathogen effects. While you've described most eloquently what you think you're addicted to, I don't think it's much more than classical stim addiction, with the empathogen effects just reinforcing the morishness of it all. I went through something somewhat similar myself when I was sitting on large pieces of meph, except with me, my objective wasn't focused on one person but rather anyone around me, where i'd just give out (and in many cases quite forcefully insist) that people take my free meph because i wanted them to feel the high and be happy and all that.

I'd be quite interested to hear how MDMA works out, because it's not as much a stimulant, and you can't really redose it (it'll just prolong the effect without making it stronger, and also leave with a drawn-out comedown). Seeing as you had access to meph, did you ever try M1/Methylone? It was said to be much more similar to MDMA.

 

[Pjkt2501]

My advice here - don't let drugs make or change the way you think about certain relationships. I've begun, and ended, quite a few relationships while high on LSD and MDMA. Let's just say that my choices were all less than ideal (I wouldn't choose those people sober - I'd have held off and waiting for a better fit).

Mind-altering drugs are just that - mind altering. They change the way things really are, into something you likely wish they were. She may be more open to other ideas, but everyone is. Convincing tripping kids that fascism is viable and not evil while in the "thoughtful afterglow" is a slight hobby / social experiment I like to conduct. It's a wonder how susceptible people are in various mindstates.

Afterall, 'tis why LSD is popular / available today for the most part - the CIA heavily used it in the mid 50's through who knows when as a "truth serum" to gain information from enemy prisoners or what have you.

Just try not to get too caught up in the illusion. If something between you two is in your cards (and it may be), then only time will tell. Get your cards (tarot) read - it's likely surprisingly spot-on, and can probably tell you if you will or will not ever continue to be close with this person. (Know her birthday / sign before you go if you do decide to.)

 

[fakeplastictrees4]

MDMA gives you insight on what it's like to literally be in love. It's short lived and brings you down in the end though. I wonder how my mdma use with one particular friend whom I've developed very strong feelings for has affected our relationship.

I've never tried meph, only MDMA and I think there's a high chance of you talking about this particular thing when you do decide to try it with her, it's just what happens when youre on mdma. The high is very clear headed and beautiful.

It doesn't necesarilly have to be a bad thing, me and my friend both do less mdma now and the feelings are still there. Maybe for some situations it lets you see what was always there.