Mental Health No solution in real life (21st century, really?) - what can I do?

[palmanita]

Hm, don't know how to start. My life is the usual story of shitty coincidences, failures of social care, bad genetics (both parents are mentally ill) and all that. Dropped out of school due to depressions despite good marks, no apprenticeship, first date with psychiatry at the age of 15 because of a silly suicide attempt. With 17 again, now from own will - first antidepressant, made me hypomanic and slightly psychotic. Seroquel, lorazepam. Venlafaxine. Carbamazepine. Venlafaxine again, buspirone, zyprexa, cocktails of them, and so on. Needless to say, nothing worked.

At some point I realized that the psychiatry won't help me, but just make shitloads of money with limiting my freedom (that was when I accidentally got to read the report these ... people ... wrote about me. Thankfully I was alone at the moment, or I couldn't have guaranteed for my reactions.) So somehow I managed to get the shit out of their system and lived, or vegetated, alone but at least not in a psych ward. I saw far too many too young people who were literally turned to zombies and kept in this horrible system ...

So, psychiatry and social care etc. is no solution.

Somehow I met MXE and this stuff was just better than I would ever have believed. With the recent research about ketamine for resistant depressions this isn't that surprising anymore and after I initially thought it was just "drug effects" and with this prohibition bullshit in mind, fearing of ending up with a needle in my arm sooner than I could speak the word "high" etc.. I know now that it was and is real.

Well, ketamine doesn't work as well, at least it does something, but it's still illegal. My country was probably the first one world wide to ban MXE, in 2011 I think.

Recently managed to finally acquire some real MXE again trough the Deep Web, and it worked again.. shit, how it worked. This must be how all the "normal" people out there feel every day ... and they don't know how fucking gifted thty are, but want to imprison people like me just because we want to live too .... I'm not talking about euphoria or hypomania, just no more anxiety, tension, fear, depression, racing thoughts, all the mental shit.

Tried to talk with drug counseling. They said I have to go to stationary detox immediately or they'll stop working with me (and I can't just go to someone else, it's all dependent on your town and so on).

So basically I have no options left.
Life is worthless without help.
Psychiatry would put me on some neuroleptics again and as you know, mentally ill drug addicts aren't exactly the top human species.
Social care directs me to psychiatry.
Drug counseling directs me to psychiatry.

All of them are more or less interconnected, sharing reports and patient history, so no chance to start over fresh.
With independent doctors - well, what should I tell them? I'm not bad at lying due to all the mess, but it's far above what I could do to invent a completely new person, erase all the bad things and replace them with other, plausible things to get some help like the less worse psycho pharms ... and if I would be caught lying, you know... psychiatry.

Fuck.
I can't work when I am like this. I am living from social welfare as a mentally disabled person ... next appointment is this summer or fall, and I don't know how it will come out, if I will be able to maintain that state with getting minimal money to survive or if they force me to go into some f...ing psych stuff again or whatever, I'd have to live out on the streets, facing violence again and all..I already have a criminal record because I had to defend myself from an attacker, and made mistakes in the case..

Already considered becoming an alcoholic. Just that alcohol doesn't work for me.
So, what's left?

 

[xena1975]

Do things you enjoy? Make friends and met people volunteer?

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

My hunch is that there are better options out there for you, other than MXE and ketamine. They might provide some relief, but using them will probably greatly increase the chances of you being put on an antipsychotic.

And just in my opinion, antipsychotics aren't altogether horrible. They're hard to tolerate at first, but after a few months (yes, it will take a couple of months at least, imo) your life will generally begin to look better than before you started them. And there are many different ones too, like over fifteen, assuming you live in a first-world country.

You listed six or so drugs. There are many more. It sucks to play the guinea pig, but things tend to turn out better if you give the system a chance. It took me a while, and slight changes still happen, but overall I've found what works for me, and I never thought I would.

Yeah lying to doctors doesn't turn out well.

As the above poster suggested, there are also a lot more things than drugs to look for in the quest for happiness. Socialization, doing good things for others, meditation, exercise, finding hobbies, and engaging in therapy will help you deal with your problems, too. Some are more direct, some build oneself subtly, but all are important, in my experience.