no one REALLY knows...

[debbbideb]

that I post on or read "bluelight" and no one really knows that this is my 50th post and I'm kinda excited to be a bluelighter...lol...

 

[debbbideb]

Hope this does not at all keep you in some kind of "rut" but after reading just your post my first thought was... "it might" ! I mean when people succeed others think it's "out of the blue" but that person knows all the bullshit they have done and become and sometime it pays off. You will always have your own memories of things you have done that you regret but only you choose who really knows them. Living a lie never helps anyone but sometimes coming clean to yourself does not mean explaining the lies to others. Drop the parts of yourself you don't like and more on. choose what is "real" for the future not the past. easier said then done I know...anyways there goes my 2 cents

many of the loved ones in my life know the basics of my problems
..even fewer know the meds and details
...and only one has seen me in tears, completely bottomed out

but NO ONE knows the full story, and for one reason or another, there is a very good reason why this is. i just feel like my life has been fragmented into a million different lies and versions of me. i keep telling myself that something will change, that this dream ive been chasing will save me from all these problems i've been avoiding. and till now, the drugs have sustained me while living and carrying the burden of multiple lives. but the drugs don't cut it anymore, and there isn't a single person in my life i can tell because i'm too afraid to define what i've become because once its out in the open it becomes "real".

does anyone else out there live with the REAL story locked away for no one to see? how do you cope?

 

[herbavore]

When I was younger I felt so afraid to let people see anything. I was shy and introverted to the point that I barely spoke to people outside my family. I teach in a public school now. Everyday I see the way kids learn to hide more and more of who they are because they perceive a standard or a norm that they feel is impossible to reach. Even those that appear to have reached it feel in terror of losing their grasp on it. We learn to do this hiding and we perfect it over and over into adulthood so it isn't surprising at all that you feel the way you do.

When I was in my teens I had a very rough period with mental illness, drug abuse, self-harm and suicide attempts. Later, when I had overcome many of those problems I sought to bury them, assuming that they would adversely affect how people saw me. In my twenties I expanded my views on my own sexuality and had relationships with both sexes. Again, I felt the need to protect myself from others' judgements. Lastly, when my son got addicted to drugs, dropped out of school and got himself arrested multiple times, I felt like a failure as a parent.

One day, it hit me that all of this secret keeping was my choice and that it reflected an inability within me to accept myself. I stopped keeping secrets and my life opened up. Of course there are times to be practical, but for the most part it is our own lock and key that creates the isolation that we are all suffering from. One of the most interesting effects of opening up is that it gives everyone else permission and a sense of safety to do the same with you. Trust is rewarded with trust. Of course I have encountered people that do not accept who I am. Some of these people are extended family members. Still, the overwhelming majority of people in my life have not only accepted who I am, but share with me the gratitude that our relations have been deepened and strengthened by the transparency.

The bottom line is that it can be a huge relief to let go of the voice in your head that says,"hide". Creating that safe space for others to step into is one of the best ways for giving it to ourselves.

 

[Vaya]

When I was younger I felt so afraid to let people see anything. I was shy and introverted to the point that I barely spoke to people outside my family. I teach in a public school now. Everyday I see the way kids learn to hide more and more of who they are because they perceive a standard or a norm that they feel is impossible to reach. Even those that appear to have reached it feel in terror of losing their grasp on it. We learn to do this hiding and we perfect it over and over into adulthood so it isn't surprising at all that you feel the way you do.

When I was in my teens I had a very rough period with mental illness, drug abuse, self-harm and suicide attempts. Later, when I had overcome many of those problems I sought to bury them, assuming that they would adversely affect how people saw me. In my twenties I expanded my views on my own sexuality and had relationships with both sexes. Again, I felt the need to protect myself from others' judgements. Lastly, when my son got addicted to drugs, dropped out of school and got himself arrested multiple times, I felt like a failure as a parent.

One day, it hit me that all of this secret keeping was my choice and that it reflected an inability within me to accept myself. I stopped keeping secrets and my life opened up. Of course there are times to be practical, but for the most part it is our own lock and key that creates the isolation that we are all suffering from. One of the most interesting effects of opening up is that it gives everyone else permission and a sense of safety to do the same with you. Trust is rewarded with trust. Of course I have encountered people that do not accept who I am. Some of these people are extended family members. Still, the overwhelming majority of people in my life have not only accepted who I am, but share with me the gratitude that our relations have been deepened and strengthened by the transparency.

The bottom line is that it can be a huge relief to let go of the voice in your head that says,"hide". Creating that safe space for others to step into is one of the best ways for giving it to ourselves.

I don't think anyone knows all of me either. I lead a double, triple, quadruple life; there is no one who knows all of me. For me, that is important, I need to keep a tiny bit just for me, but it is so easy for it to spiral. I have had times in the past sat in my flat on my own, surrounded by drugs paraphenalia, in tears, eating beans from a tin as all my plates are dirty and I don't have the motivation to clean then picked myself up, scrabbled around for work clothes to put on, dashed to work scrubbing the stain off them and pretended to be a different effie for a bit. Drugs kept me going but were pulling me under. And no one knew, no one. At one point I was off work for 3 months with depression before any of my friends knew. I was so ashamed, and it nearly killed me - as herb said, secrets can kill. People are often a lot more accepting and understanding than you think - and you don't have to share everything with one person either.. for ages I was searching for the one person to trust with all of me, but now I have found different people to help support different areas of my life. It works surprisingly well

Some of my friends I will never tell about some of the things I have done. My "real-life" friends actually don't know me that well at all, but I have found it a lot easier to open up online - so as others said, try telling us perhaps?

I'm not expressing myself well tonight but I really, really know how you feel. I have so many secrets but each time I tell someone, the right person, everything lifts a little. Please don't let yourself get bogged down..

Be kind to yourself too, try to accept yourself for who you are... This is very important when it comes to learning the art of opening up to people

Oh - and we all here understand about the drugs side of things. You have found a place to share at least that side of you, even if you don't want to tell us anything else. I've tried to use them to patch my life up and keep it running, keep me functioning, but it is absolutely not sustainable.. accepting that can be very hard

Loved reading these. Thanks for sharing, both of you

~ vaya

 

[tocooperate]

thank you again for your stories, I've found that it's even difficult to tell my pdoc how I truly feel sometimes because his response (and rightfully so) ultimately ends up in a medication change which sometimes makes things even worse.

i think the demon that i've been neglecting is an indecision anxiety about my life. i've spent my whole life defining myself as a musician, and working towards that goal. at the same time, i am working in a completely different industry to prove to my family, gf's family, etc. that i am a "responsible adult", but they don't know that living this second life is affecting my health. after reading your stories, i thought back to earlier years when my drug abuse began and i realized that perhaps ive been self-medicating my entire life to either numb the world so i didn't have to think about the future, or use it as an excuse to live more of the musician life.. almost forcing myself in the other direction.

when i first got prescribed adderall, i thought that everything was perfect. it seemed like i could handle doing both these things better than i was doing either of them before. but as time went on, i realized that even with the adderall i was neglecting the "professional" for the musician, but this just led to a host of financial and disciplinary issues. now i cannot even focus on the musician because the pills just make me depressed thinking about my financial and professional obligations that will never go away. in trying to prove that i could do "everything" i've over-committed myself and i'm scared that something is going to eventually give way and the whole damn thing will come toppling over.

i'm good at my job, but im even better at my passion.. and i'm closer than ever to achieving it i believe, but my obligations are also becoming more apparent and serious as i get closer to the day that the real world is fully upon my shoulders.

thanks for reading

 

[Vaya]

Interesting insight; thank you for being willing to share that with us.

...now i cannot even focus on the musician because the pills just make me depressed thinking about my financial and professional obligations that will never go away. in trying to prove that i could do "everything" i've over-committed myself and i'm scared that something is going to eventually give way and the whole damn thing will come toppling over.

I find that when I ruminate and over-obsess about fears, I'm inadvertently making the worst-case-scenario of the future into my present. Sounds insane, but that's how I'm wired. I'll give you an example: I was recently hired for a new job. I went in and submitted to a saliva drug test. Now, I don't use illicit drugs any longer, but I am prescribed methamphetamine. So, knowing that this would show up, and that I'd need to furnish proof that the drug's presence in my body is legitimate, I began to unconsciously assume that (despite its legality) the HR department would decide not to hire me based on the nationwide stigma over the drug. I began sweating it out, living as if I'd just gotten off the phone with Human Resources rejecting me as a potential applicant. Those were difficult days, until someone pointed out the defect in my thinking. Long story short, I stopped living in the future, did what I had to do with HR, and got the job. Perhaps (if I haven't been too abstract, and if so, I apologize) you could generalize my situation to yours. Things are most certainly not as hopeless as they might initially appear.

I relate wholeheartedly to your sentence, "I'm good at my job, but I'm even better at my passion..."
If you believe you're closer than ever to achieving it, don't quit, friend. Your instincts will guide you, and appear to currently be guiding you. Listen to 'em - You'd be surprised how much you might be able to extract from your guts

What kind of music drives your passion for musicianship, if I may ask? Purely curious!

All the best,
~ vaya

P.S. Take a good, long, deep and honest look at why you continue to take medication, intended to spring you forward, that in reality only sets you back. I've been there before, too; extremely difficult cycle to break, but it's a tangible sign of being honest with yourself if you choose to assess the situation and reconsider. Sure doesn't sound like Adderall's doing you any favors at this point.

 

[Help?!?!]

how do you cope?

I don't need to, in my mind knowing a person intimately is a gift you chose to give them only when they truly deserve it. Knowing yourself is a virtue and you should feel pride for this, not sad just because you have no one to share it with. Most people have everyone to share things with but themselves at the end of the day.

 

[DexterMeth]

I get it.

 

[VanWeyden]

many of the loved ones in my life know the basics of my problems
..even fewer know the meds and details
...and only one has seen me in tears, completely bottomed out

but NO ONE knows the full story, and for one reason or another, there is a very good reason why this is. i just feel like my life has been fragmented into a million different lies and versions of me. i keep telling myself that something will change, that this dream ive been chasing will save me from all these problems i've been avoiding. and till now, the drugs have sustained me while living and carrying the burden of multiple lives. but the drugs don't cut it anymore, and there isn't a single person in my life i can tell because i'm too afraid to define what i've become because once its out in the open it becomes "real".

does anyone else out there live with the REAL story locked away for no one to see? how do you cope?

Man, I can totally relate to that. I used to hide away everything that I thought could make people look down on me, to a point where it was highly dysfunctional. It kept me from solving any problem, I was alienated from all my friends and felt even more insecure, self-doubting and broken than before. Then I tried to compensate that by doing even more things I didn't want to do to create a supreme image. A vicious circle. When I crashed and had to go into treatment I swore to myself to stop lying and becoming honest. I am far from perfect, but at least someone knows about 99% of my issues. And guess what? I feel so much better. I lost some things that were really important for me, my relationship, an approach to start a big carreer, and that really hurts badly but it's so much better than the dull pain and emotional deprivation created by trying to maintain an illusion.

I think what Dexter said is not entirely true. It's not easy but it's as simple as he said. Overcoming your vanity is tough, but you will start to respect yourself if you do. You will actually start to feel yourself again.