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no one REALLY knows...

tocooperate

tocooperate

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 10, 2011
Messages
216
Location
New Jersey
many of the loved ones in my life know the basics of my problems
..even fewer know the meds and details
...and only one has seen me in tears, completely bottomed out

but NO ONE knows the full story, and for one reason or another, there is a very good reason why this is. i just feel like my life has been fragmented into a million different lies and versions of me. i keep telling myself that something will change, that this dream ive been chasing will save me from all these problems i've been avoiding. and till now, the drugs have sustained me while living and carrying the burden of multiple lives. but the drugs don't cut it anymore, and there isn't a single person in my life i can tell because i'm too afraid to define what i've become because once its out in the open it becomes "real".

does anyone else out there live with the REAL story locked away for no one to see? how do you cope?
 
Quit dreaming. There is no bottom out or highest place.

You're stuck in a self-created shit problem that you've gotten used to and now think it's concrete. Create a new pattern and move on. It's the easier than the hardest thing you've ever done or will do. Let go.
 
No one will ever really see the complete story of another person, not even those closest to them, not even themselves.
 
DexterMeth said:
Quit dreaming. There is no bottom out or highest place.

You're stuck in a self-created shit problem that you've gotten used to and now think it's concrete. Create a new pattern and move on. It's the easier than the hardest thing you've ever done or will do. Let go.
Click to expand...

if it were that easy there'd be no need for a message board like this, no?

of course i know i brought this upon myself, which is all the more reason i feel like i need to get myself out without involving any one else.

and what if my old pattern is all i've known for my entire life? short of running away, i just don't see how i can redefine my existence...
 
Existence doesn't exist to be defined... if you run away, you can start over though. Or just disappear for a while and come back a new person.
 
I know what you mean...I am what you would call right now a "functioning addict". A few people know of my meds... but no one knows the extent of my problem with the opiates, how many I use, my daily issues, etc. I have become ridiculously sneaky and yet, I see no other way to live right now. If I come clean, I gotta literally come clean then, and I'm not ready for that. I cope by pretending I'm the person I am when I'm high...happy. Not healthy, but it's what is happening right now.
If you're ready to get clean, do it...don't worry about the rest.
 
DexterMeth said:
Quit dreaming. There is no bottom out or highest place.

You're stuck in a self-created shit problem that you've gotten used to and now think it's concrete. Create a new pattern and move on. It's the easier than the hardest thing you've ever done or will do. Let go.
Click to expand...

And even worse, romanticized it into some self-serving tragedy.

No one is trying to hurt you with their replies. We've simply been there. Until you've let the myth you've created of yourself go, you'll never lead an authentic existence.
 
You might find that coming clean and being honest with the ones you love might feel like an anvil has been lifted from your shoulders. You can't predict how people are going to react. If they really love you, no matter what you tell them, they will accept it and be there for you, through thick and thin. They want to see you happy and are probably goin crazy right now that you're miserable. Man up, tell them what's going on and garuntees they'll support you, be there for you and help you in any way they can. You have to believe in them too.
Good luck :)
 
I have personally found that those dirty little secrets are not so bad once shared with loved ones and or very close friends. Every day is an opportunity to start again, move on to become a better person. Good luck in your journey to happiness.
 
^ Yeah, everyone has skeletons, and it can be liberating to share them with a trusted friend.

You speak of defining yourself-- what do you mean by 'yourself'? The face you show to people every day? An inner aspect of your experience? Who you are at home, alone, while sitting on the toilet? Those are all aspects of an ego, trying to put labels and masks over top of yourself. Take a step back, and look at your mind for a minute. Notice that you actually can do this; look at your thoughts as a bit more of an outsider, I mean. That which is observing your thoughts, that is who you are, and it is unaffected by your thoughts, emotions, or memories. In other words: your thoughts, emotions, and memories arise from you, but are not you.
 
DexterMeth said:
Quit dreaming. There is no bottom out or highest place.

You're stuck in a self-created shit problem that you've gotten used to and now think it's concrete. Create a new pattern and move on. It's the easier than the hardest thing you've ever done or will do. Let go.
Click to expand...

indeed. nothing is permanent. but it isn't 1-2-3. Because when you're trapped in your mind, you're trapped within yourself. You are your mind, which means you only see what your mind lets you see. Depression doesn't let you see the light out. It's difficult for people to come to terms with themselves because we don't like to accept our demons.

Thizz Machine said:
No one will ever really see the complete story of another person, not even those closest to them, not even themselves.
Click to expand...

Something I struggle with everyday.

If you're afraid of letting other people accept your real story, you gotta accept yourself. We all have demons, and you can't be ashamed with yourself because you're a human. If we never did bad things, how could we ever become better people? I'd rather better myself everyday rather than be the perfect human.
 
One of the worst things we can do to ourselves is to become convinced that something about us is so shameful that it must be hidden at all costs. People literally lose their lives over keeping secrets like this. Believing that others will be able to accept you comes when you believe that you can actually accept yourself. Secrets make you crazy.
 
herbavore said:
One of the worst things we can do to ourselves is to become convinced that something about us is so shameful that it must be hidden at all costs. People literally lose their lives over keeping secrets like this. Believing that others will be able to accept you comes when you believe that you can actually accept yourself. Secrets make you crazy.
Click to expand...

You're only as sick as your secrets.
 
thank you all for your replies, i know no one is trying to be malicious. the truth hurts sometimes.


Dave said:
^ Yeah, everyone has skeletons, and it can be liberating to share them with a trusted friend.

You speak of defining yourself-- what do you mean by 'yourself'? The face you show to people every day? An inner aspect of your experience? Who you are at home, alone, while sitting on the toilet? Those are all aspects of an ego, trying to put labels and masks over top of yourself. Take a step back, and look at your mind for a minute. Notice that you actually can do this; look at your thoughts as a bit more of an outsider, I mean. That which is observing your thoughts, that is who you are, and it is unaffected by your thoughts, emotions, or memories. In other words: your thoughts, emotions, and memories arise from you, but are not you.
Click to expand...

this is the person that's crying while speeding to work in the morning, late as fuck, disheveled and hoping he can hide out in his office and squeeze out enough work so people leave him alone. problem is, he was already given a chance last year and has now relapsed. keeping the secret (and job) is the only thing holding the seams of his life together. but instead of using this bought time to fix everything, he lets the addict try to fix his problems cause living the lie is too tiring.

its hard to forget the high you're trying to chase, cause its much easier to try just once more to get that high and magically fix your shit.
 
Thizz Machine said:
No one will ever really see the complete story of another person, not even those closest to them, not even themselves.
Click to expand...
This is so profoundly true, yet so difficult to digest. It is hard to accept that even we do not truly know ourselves, because our perception will always be coloured.

tocooperate said:
thank you all for your replies, i know no one is trying to be malicious. the truth hurts sometimes.
...
its hard to forget the high you're trying to chase, cause its much easier to try just once more to get that high and magically fix your shit.
Click to expand...
But you must remember, at times like these, that once you come down from your high it just gets even harder for you. It makes things feel so much worse because you realize that you haven't truly fixed anything; only forgotten it for a while.
 
tocooperate said:
many of the loved ones in my life know the basics of my problems
..even fewer know the meds and details
...and only one has seen me in tears, completely bottomed out

but NO ONE knows the full story, and for one reason or another, there is a very good reason why this is. i just feel like my life has been fragmented into a million different lies and versions of me. i keep telling myself that something will change, that this dream ive been chasing will save me from all these problems i've been avoiding. and till now, the drugs have sustained me while living and carrying the burden of multiple lives. but the drugs don't cut it anymore, and there isn't a single person in my life i can tell because i'm too afraid to define what i've become because once its out in the open it becomes "real".

does anyone else out there live with the REAL story locked away for no one to see? how do you cope?
Click to expand...

tocooperate, this was a really powerful post and represents something courageous to ask others so openly. I applaud that, personally.

Your line, "i just feel like my life has been fragmented into a million different lies and versions of me," sums up the way I've felt for... well, too long now. And therein lie powerful statements indicating a feeling of having been broken, with the constituent pieces feeling neither promising nor respectable.

I've had those moments. In fact, the past three years of my life could arguable be "one" of those moments. It's a terribly isolating feeling, one that I wouldn't wish on anyone. As creatures, we're programmed to avoid pain, sometimes at all costs. And this state of being is pain! But there are ways around it, aside from using chemicals to escape (which I did, up until very recently, for many many formative years).

My experience has shown me that whenever I felt compelled to become a chameleon against life's foliage, it's been due to my reactions to several consistent issues I have with the act of living: Fears, resentments, jealousy, pride, among others. Each of us has these tendencies, and it may be embarrassing to admit that one might have heightened responses to these natural human phenomena. But the fact is it happens, we are out here. Perhaps you ought to consider attempting to confront these demons, should they burn especially brightly within you, and allow them to be real. Without this release, you may well live perpetually in one of your fragmented versions-of-self... and I choose to use the term "live" loosely in this context, for it truly is no way to live and I would wish more than that for you!

You could begin coping with it by journaling about it. You could also share with us - unbiased, caring community members - what it is about yourself that elicits such strong and negative feelings? I'll betcha 9 out of 10 of us have had, felt, done or experienced something similar and would be willing to relate. I, myself, have had that exact experience of speeding dangerously to work, in tears with half my clothes on and hair disheveled and having been given a final warning only the day before on my tardiness. It was striking for me to read that, how much memory it brought back for me.

~ vaya
 
I don't think anyone knows all of me either. I lead a double, triple, quadruple life; there is no one who knows all of me. For me, that is important, I need to keep a tiny bit just for me, but it is so easy for it to spiral. I have had times in the past sat in my flat on my own, surrounded by drugs paraphenalia, in tears, eating beans from a tin as all my plates are dirty and I don't have the motivation to clean then picked myself up, scrabbled around for work clothes to put on, dashed to work scrubbing the stain off them and pretended to be a different effie for a bit. Drugs kept me going but were pulling me under. And no one knew, no one. At one point I was off work for 3 months with depression before any of my friends knew. I was so ashamed, and it nearly killed me - as herb said, secrets can kill. People are often a lot more accepting and understanding than you think - and you don't have to share everything with one person either.. for ages I was searching for the one person to trust with all of me, but now I have found different people to help support different areas of my life. It works surprisingly well :)

Some of my friends I will never tell about some of the things I have done. My "real-life" friends actually don't know me that well at all, but I have found it a lot easier to open up online - so as others said, try telling us perhaps?

I'm not expressing myself well tonight but I really, really know how you feel. I have so many secrets but each time I tell someone, the right person, everything lifts a little. Please don't let yourself get bogged down..

Be kind to yourself too, try to accept yourself for who you are... This is very important when it comes to learning the art of opening up to people <3

Oh - and we all here understand about the drugs side of things. You have found a place to share at least that side of you, even if you don't want to tell us anything else. I've tried to use them to patch my life up and keep it running, keep me functioning, but it is absolutely not sustainable.. accepting that can be very hard <3
 
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^ I think that you've summed things up wonderfully, actually.

Most people compartmentalize their lives. I have my work persona, my family persona, my yoga persona, my online persona, my drug-friends persona, my straight-friends persona, my veggie persona and then my "at home, perfectly relaxed" persona. They are all aspects of myself, but I virtually never mix them. Even among my best friends. My online persona incorporates many of my other personae, but many of them have limitations-- I don't discuss drugs or atheism around family, for example.
 
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