No motivation no joy no money and no where to go

[Capacitor12]

well the title pretty much says it all but to be more detailed. I've been living in this house with some friends but the lease is up in a month and a half and we are all going our separate ways for various reason none of which are bad. I've been dealing with depression and bpd for years now and it only seems to get worse I've lost my job because of it i don't have enough money to pay the remainder of my rent for the lease let alone for a security deposit for a new place i have no where to go when the lease is up and have no motivation to get a job i just don't want to try anymore i don't see the point just to be living in place i don't want to live working a job i don't want work going paycheck to paycheck finding no joy in the things that have saved my life. i seriously think when this lease is up I'm just going take my life i just don't see how things can change for the good. what other options do i have other than stop being a little bitch and get job or killing myself because killing my self seems like the only real choice thats mine

 

[herbavore]

Well, it is the ultimate choice but I hope you won't give up on your life. I've found that most shitty jobs are bearable when there is some other future to look forward to--like traveling or moving or saving for something you want to do like going to school. There is a whole group of people that work six months a year at shitty jobs and hike the whole Pacific Coast trail for the other 6--that's living outside the normal box. There are options but depression keeps you from seeing them.

Have you ever done any kind of dedicated work to find out the deep causes of your depression? Often, that can help. I know that having no job and no money is terrifying on top of depressing. I'm not trying to make light of it in any way or minimize it. But if depression is going to rob you of your life, it seems that should be your first priority. Are you in the US? Just asking so I can brainstorm services that might be available to you.

 

[Capacitor12]

The future I dream for I've been working for and have sacrificed my time and money for is impossible to achieve and have gone this far with nothing to show for it. And that's another part of why I'm done trying. I've spent the past 3 years seeing a therapist and being inpatient and outpatient I've tried lexipro but it didn't make me feel very good and I'm not really open to trying a bunch of different drugs weenjng myself off and on whatever they can come up with. I just don't see me living a life I'm okay or happy with. I've always had a job until now, I'm not addicted to drugs and don't have a criminal background I just don't want anything anymore. And yah I do live in the US. I really appreciate your response sorry about the delay.

 

[cj]

Sounds like you have a classic case of clinical depression. I don't blame you for trying to stay off the anti depressant wheel of weird. Since your on BL in guessing you like drugs. Ketamine has shown great promise in the treatment of depression that was resistant to front line therapies. If you google ketamine and depression there is a wealth of info so you can decide for yourself.

 

[Capacitor12]

No I don't really like drugs I smoke weed that's it I don't drink or anything. Plus I don't see any drug magically making me want to get a job or making me be okay with the situation I don't want to deal with anything anymore everything is to much for me

 

[Why_Continue]

Dude. what are you really good at? I'm talking, so good that you feel guilty of being so good?

Video games?

Creating websites?

Surfing?

Maths and numbers?

F*cking painting houses?

Sex?

Find something you're really good at, that you enjoy and that is innate in you (i.e. a talent), find a need for it and exploit that need. I'm sure the world could do with one of your talents just like it can with the rest of us.

 

[CosmicG]

I understand how you feel, it is very similar to the way I have been feeling lately about my own life. I think about suicide all of the time but that is only because death and the fragility of life are so fascinating. What keeps me from even toying with the thought of ever taking my life is the endless possibilities of life getting better in an instant. As Herbavore mentioned depression blinds you. I work a job that I honestly can't stand, and am actually quite good at. Even after getting two raises and a promotion within a years time, I am not content or satisfied in any way. I wish I had the passion that some of my other coworkers had, because if I had that then I feel I could be happy.

Herbavore mentioned traveling and having things to work towards and look forward to. I would suggest following that advice. Right now my girlfriend and I are working on making a plan to save up enough money to get out of this place and start a new life completely different then the meaningless one we feel we live now. Please don't give up there is always hope. Things will get better if you try.

 

[Capacitor12]

I'm a musician I play guitar bass keyboards drums and I record all my own music by myself which is part of my problem I want to do that more than anything but as we all know its not easy to make a living with it and when I was working I never got play music and it was agonizing now I have to move out of this place I have no money no where to go and no where I'll be able to make music and the only way for me have a place to live and keep my stuff is working like how I was before and never having time or energy to put into to it and I can't deal with that again and it seems I don't really have much of a choice at this point

 

[herbavore]

I can understand how frustrating and scary the thoughts are about betting separated from your art. I am an artist and many times in my life I lived the situation you are talking about--either having no place to actually store my stuff and work or having all my time and energy spent on working a tiresome job with no energy left over to create afterwards. It's a tough situation. But here's the thing: looking back now from my sixties, I can see that all those times are where I developed stamina, grit, fluidity and all the other positives that have made my life rich. I wasn't born with those as a part of my nature. I created them by going through long periods of discouragement and confusion. I think that the ability to face the rock bottoms in your life gets easier the more you do it. You start to see what absolutely will not work for you (in my case this was cleaning motel rooms LOL) and what you can live with. Hopefully, you begin to create a life in which what you really want can start to happen. Most of us (artists) can expect to work shitty jobs because the percentage of people that can make a living from their art is very small.

Right now, your main concern needs to be to not be crushed by the stress that the upcoming loss of a home is causing. You need to find work so that you will not be homeless. I know how hard that is when you feel no motivation but I worry that you will be in much more dire circumstances if you do not deal with that first. Try not to think about the future right now. Just day by day, make a plan for the day and follow it. At the end of the day, don't count your "failures", just congratulate yourself for trying and know that eventually that trying will pay off in ways you might not be able to see now.

 

[Capacitor12]

I just can't do it. I can hardly deal with myself let alone try to find a job and interview and deal with other people. It all just sounds like one big trap to me I just really don't understand the point of living. It's been more stress and frustration then good.

 

[tocooperate]

I just can't do it. I can hardly deal with myself let alone try to find a job and interview and deal with other people. It all just sounds like one big trap to me I just really don't understand the point of living. It's been more stress and frustration then good.

as a fellow musician, I can very much relate, especially because my goal was commercial success. I remember being so convinced that life was not worth trudging along through if I didn't succeed at the one thing in life I am good at. so I poured my heart soul and eventually lots of pills at it..

well it didn't quite work out. what was much scarier than not succeeding, however , was suddenly losing my passion for songwriting altogether. following a pretty bad bottoming out, at first I was too scared to try even just playing piano, it was too painful. then as time went on I simply had no desire for much of anything. I convinced myself that I would never enjoy anything ever again, what's the point?

so I ask you this: do you still love music? forget the homelessness and being broke, you just need to really ask yourself whether you have given up on life or whether you have given up on a dream that you have always *equated* with life?

if someone offered you a job at a music store, would you take it? you sound like you have quite a bit of home recording experience and id imagine some production saavy at that. have you considered offering your services for demos and gigs? i know that right now your not even sure whether youll have a place to live no less record, but if that IS something that you can see yourself doing, THATs the thing getting a shitty job can move you towards.

i hope you still have at least a spark of passion left- TLDR i am getting back to a point where music is fun again. life can be worth living again at some point, but you need to find that spark again to give you a reason to hang on till then.

 

[Clsvey89]

I feel the same way right now.. I've been to a bunch of different psychiatrists and been on a ton of different meds. Nothing ever helped. The last doctor I saw told me he could give me a new depression medication to try, but even if it helped it would only help so much, and if I want to feel better I need to make changes in my life..like being healthier, making new friends, going out and finding a hobby.

I seriously wanted to scream at him. I broke down crying and told him I'm DEPRESSED. I can hardly get up and take care of myself. I've never been good at anything or had a hobby. I don't enjoy ANYTHING..It doesn't make me happy to go out or be around friends. All he could say was that I needed to force myself to get up and get out. Even if I don't enjoy doing any of that it I still need to keep doing it and eventually I will enjoy life again.

I thought everything he said was BS and didn't follow his advice, and obviously I'm still feeling the same. It sounded stupid to me..and it's still hard for me to believe that it's true. But I think he is right in a way..it's just hard to put your life back together and find something you enjoy when you feel like complete shit. I don't really believe in depression meds anymore but he said for some people it could give them a little boost and make them feel a little better so they can start rebuilding their lives.

Its hard to find your way out of it..but I think there really is hope for everyone. The only reason I keep going is because I feel it's possible to get better and one day be happy. Everyone is different and you just have to find what works for you and gives your life meaning.