no longer lurkin

[fawnyawn]

Hello bluelight, I don't want to be a silent lurker anymore

I'm not quite sure what to say, except that I have been reading and learning from these forums for a few years, I appreciate this website a lot and want to participate! when my school did the whole 'don't do drugs' thing as a child I couldn't conceptualize how anything could change how I felt inside my head. drugs essentially altered your being, as I had interpreted it, and I guess when the opportunities rose I had to see for myself if there was really such a thing. It just didn't seem possible to me, I felt like I was too strong to be affected or something silly like that.
I'm almost 20, drugs definitely do affect me, and have had a slow climb and plateau of drug use since I was 13, and am currently a user. Stimulants, particularly amphetamines, have always been my weakness, but my experience and use are certainly not restricted to uppers.

Other than that, I have always loved drawing, writing, and reading. I'm about to start training for my esthetician licensure, which I'm very excited about. I love perusing the forums reading about what the drugs we use actually do to our brain chemistry, even if I don't 100% understand what's being explained, I think I comprehend a bit more each time. We all have shared interests in altering our (or just understanding the alteration of) brain chemistry, and harm reduction. And i think that is awesome.

Looking forward to participating, learning, and interacting with this community!
& sorry for the rambling introduction ;]


Fawn

 

[krrl]

Really nice post, I can relate to many parts of it, especially to the way drugs alter your personality / being - I've always felt it's similar for me, and now I want to actually participate in that process (since normally I feel kind of detached from it, it always feels partially or fully uncontrollable) on a more conscious level in order to broaden my perspectives. Recently anything that I've used has provided me with very introspective experiences. Do you feel "in control" of how drugs affect your personality, or do you think it's more of an unconscious thing?

And welcome

 

[fawnyawn]

thanks for your response & thoughts! much appreciated
it's good to know that others share my outlook on drug use, and I also feel the majority of my drug experiences have been introspective.
that's a really good question - one I will definitely have to mull over at length. to keep it short, yes, I do feel in control most of the time because I know myself and being naturally very thin (5'8" ~110lbs) I never need a lot of anything to feel it - I'm very sensitive to drugs. feeling in control is isolated to the substances I'm most familiar with, though. I'm terrified of losing the ability to decipher reality from the effects of drugs. ive experimented with psychedelics (ketamine, LSD, and shrooms) but for me tripping is mentally taxing and very intense, I consider it sort of sacred, not to be used frequently or on a whim, but rather for spiritual/mental cleansing, if that makes sense. that's just me though, I know many people who feel differently. I guess as far as my personality changing goes that's kind of a scary thought for me, but that's another topic entirely.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on that question as well (and anybody else who wants to contribute), and thank you again for the warm welcome! have you been a longtime lurker like me or did you discover BL and jump right in?

 

[krrl]

(...) but for me tripping is mentally taxing and very intense, I consider it sort of sacred, not to be used frequently or on a whim, but rather for spiritual/mental cleansing, if that makes sense. that's just me though, I know many people who feel differently.

It makes perfect sense. I feel the same way, and this is something I really like about it. I do admit to overdoing it sometimes (which I regard as a kind of a psychological shortcut and taking it does have consequences.. so I get kind of "forced" not to take it too often), because for me the experiences can also be highly enjoyable, but in the end I can never really "abuse" it, my mind / psyche has a natural resistance to it. With amphetamines, well.. that's another story. Which is also both good and bad. Amphetamines have always been extremely tender in terms of psychological damage for me, I feel they've actually often done more good than harm, and I do realise that can be seen as contradictory, given their addictive nature. But then, I've used them with great success in times of emotional turmoil to lessen the consequences, and it has worked.. (That's the rational part of the process). I do see, however, how this is a wrong approach in the long term, because, first, I would always much rather soothe any emotional crisis with amphetamines than deal with it directly (which, for obvious reasons, might be emotionally harmful), and second, I do sometimes end up feeling helpless if I don't have supply, so, kind of dependent on it.. Even if I've never really felt "addicted" (I manage to limit my use to few days a month, few months a year, and have never had a need to extend it beyond that).

have you been a longtime lurker like me or did you discover BL and jump right in?

Yes! I've been around a lot, reading for months and years, have always been amazed by the level of the discussions here.. And yeah, just decided to register recently, decided that I might as well want to contribute.

 

[Mr.Scagnattie]

Welcome to the site. Look forward to hearing more from you.

 

[fawnyawn]

@krrl - it sounds like we could definitely have some awesome discussions, we seem to have a pretty similar attitude towards certain substances. intelligent discussion regarding narcotics is always great, doesn't come about that often, and I love that this website exists so we can have a chance to converse safely and most importantly gain knowledge to better our overall experience in both altered and sober states. I'm glad we both finally joined! looking forward to talking more with you

@Mr.Scagnattie - thanks for the welcome! I look forward to finally contributing, I have a lot of respect for these forums and hope that my participation can benefit or at least entertain others as theirs have for me