no hard feelings.

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

It just seems to me,
that no matter what the case is
whenever we are finally happy.....
something comes along
and takes it from us.
perhaps we are both victims.
no hard feelings.
it's just the way it is.

at the bar tonight
i'm working
don't feel well.
spirits pick up a bit,
decide to go to a different bar
when I get off of work.
all of a sudden you don't feel well.
that's cool, drop me off, and go home for once.
but what is that?
get some beer, chill @ your house for once.
that's dope!
I'm there.
how sweet of you to make me a salad.

and we start to talk
about serious things.
about my family
one member in particular,
that's dying.
then it goes to old relationships
some how.
And then how,
I don't add up.
And really, it's not 'heather this, jenn that'
It's if,
they aren't so fucking great
like you say
why continue to talk about them.

And honestly
it's probably myself saying....
that you deserve better.
THAN ME.
maybe.
if there are so many people in your life
that you can look back on
and talk to
and spend time with
then go do it.
really.
don't waste your time
on a nobody like me.
And...........
if i'm not a 'nobody'
stop making me feel like one.

It comes to the point when i get out of your bed.
find my clothes and bag and sit down.
wait for you to walk me out.
you say you won't.
that's nice.
but how do you expect me to stay there,
in your mom's house
when you make me feel like a piece of trash.
fuck that.
i'll walk home.
2 or some miles.
just do me the honor
and walk me to the door,
but of course not,
you won't even do that.
i'll still go.

Smash a beer bottle on the way.

And a few times you stopped,
saw you once drive up the beltway,
and back around again.
I know you didn't want me to walk.
Or maybe,
you just wanted your stuff back.
I really have no fucking idea.
But yes,
I walked, stopped for smokes on the way....
saw you....... again and again.......
and finally
you were parked outside my house.

I told you I'd return your stuff,
but just hang on a sec
I'll get it to you now.
Found a note taped to my door,
don't even care to read it now.
There's nothing that could be
written in ink from you
that would justify your actions,
on my walk home from Jeansville.
That spoke it all.
So keep your car idled.
tilt back your seat,
and blare the stereo.
It's 4.30 in the morning...

I woke my family up,
but i'll still walk up to the attic.
To get your fucking disk,
sweater and pair of pants.
I hope all of that was worth it.......
those 3 items i have of yours.
that i would have returned.

I hope it was all worth it.

Instead of getting out of bed
to walk me to the door,
instead of me storming out,
smashing a beer bottle on the road.
Walking how ever fucking long it was,
that i walked in the rain
only to be greeted by you
a few times.........
that only ended up with you
speeding away..........
and i walked and hoped
that you'd drive home and let this
all pass.
but you still came back around.
meet me at my house.
for 3 fucking items i have of yours.

And you left a note on my door.
With this nice words
i'm sure.
asking me
when all these games would end?
answer the question yourself,
and then find an answer.
and then, if you still don't find it,
turn to the other person,
and ask it.

 

[E-girl]

There's nothing that could be
written in ink from you
that would justify your actions,
on my walk home from Jeansville.
That spoke it all.
So keep your car idled.
tilt back your seat,
and blare the stereo.
It's 4.30 in the morning...

i like these lines... even though they make me angry, i just really like your words choice, poetically, here.

I hope it was all worth it.

now THIS line, right here... i have heard myself utter those words, SCREAM those words, write those those, so many times that i cant even count... its one of those things you say spitefully, hoping that whatever just happened to you, the person who did it will eventually stop in their tracks and say "goddammit, i fucked up." you dont know if they ever actually SAY it, but you hope they feel it. you dont really HOPE it was worth it, you hope its the exact opposite. that they are miserable and torture themselves about it for the rest of eternity.

but that doesnt usually happen.

when i read your stuff jen, i try to read it from a stranger's perspective; i try to forget for the moment that we are talking about one of my good friends here, and all i see is pain in your words. i see mirror images of myself a few years ago and know the only thing i REALLY learned out of all the hell i went through, was that at the end, when i stopped pretending things were oK, and that they would "work themselves out", that there was really more bad than good, and that i could have eliminated a lot of it for myself, if i had realized it sooner. and i'd like to say i didnt have anyone there to tell me that, but the truth is, i DID. i had a million people telling me, i just didnt want to listen. but i'm trying to be THAT person for you when i say.... walk away from this.

And you left a note on my door.
With this nice words
i'm sure.
asking me
when all these games would end?
answer the question yourself,
and then find an answer.
and then, if you still don't find it,
turn to the other person,
and ask it.

do you really want to be the next "jen" that he's reminiscing about, or cursing about, to his next girlfriend? get back your FRIEND while you still have him -- the guy who is fun to drink beers with, and listen to music with (even if its The Cure, lol) and just HANG with... get THAT guy back, the one who makes you smile and whom you write HAPPY words about.... and say goodbye to the guy who treats you like an empty beer bottle ... smashing you on the pavement whenever he feels like it.

 

[shannabanana]

when i read your stuff jen, i try to read it from a stranger's perspective;

From a stranger's perspective (who has read all of your poems here): you are nuts if you give this relationship another try. I don't know you or him so I will not point fingers, but from what I've read, this a really fucking unhealthy relationship. Remind yourself, not all guys lack sensitivity. And whatever good things he's got going, I would never, ever put up with my boyfriend letting me walk home in the middle of the night. Good luck.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

I have to say that I thank all the critiques I get on my writings, but please keep in mind, that I am trying to be critiqued on my writings.......... not my relationship.

Amongst all the bad things that I type.......
they really aren't bad.
It's my writing style.
The best of my words come out when I am angry.
And what I'm trying to say comes out,
when that person doesn't get it.
I know he then reads it,
after it all passes,
and understands what I say.
And after things cool down,
I look at it in his standpoint
and realize things are out of porportion.


Amy, I know that you try to put things in a stranger's perceptive when you read this:
but you of all people know that Ryan is not a bad person.
ME, of all people know that he isn't bad either.
Yes, sometimes I get angry or upset.......
but tables go round,
and I know he does too.
It even makes me more sad,
when I get these posts that say to drop him,
to let things go back to how they were,
when we were friends and ect.
Because really,
it's not what either of us wants.
At least I don't think so.
People have problems,
relationships have problems......
everyone has problems.
I think i feel most guilty
when I go back and read these words I write
after things are well......
And I think how terrible I am
to write such aweful things.
Just because it's how I feel at the moment.

But that's my writing,
that's my style.
I almost think it's unfair.
It almost makes me want to stop posting.

In any situation,
when things go bad.......
the other person always ends up
next in line,
to be talked about to the next significant other.
And if things go bad, in this situation,
and Ryan turns to someone else,
and spills his love to another...
I'd only hope that he'd talk about me.
And remember that once again,
he had something special.
But sometimes, good things come to an end.
And the only thing you could do,
is remember them.

Ryan:
you know how i feel about you.
I know how you feel about me.
We've discussed before,
my words.
And what they mean.
What I think at the time,
and how it's not fair.
But you know it's my writing,
and from what I hear,
it's one (if the only) of my talents.
I love you, babycakes.

Thanks to all who check out my writing.

-jen