I loved the emails my boy (Kupid) sent me. They are so sweet. Well I guess our respective trips are well on their way for both of us. Since I live by Disneyland and Erik is in Vancouver, we will be on our own with these trips, but actually, my intuition tells me that these trips need to be taken alone because both of us are on our own journey and I guess the rule is absolute silence if you're going to trip with someone else present. It's best then, to fly solo, carefully. Things I want from iboga: 1. help me forgive the past and the present completely! 2. help me desire to eat healthy foods only, once again obtain an attractive weight, and exercise 3. improve my conscience contact with the God of my understanding, who i choose to call The Source 4. detox me completely from ultram 5. help me use my writing gift for the highest good of all. These are my goals and what I want from the drug. From the accounts that I've read, these are indeed possible and I think getting through Step 9 in NA has helped tremendously prepare me for this trip.
I was awake very early yesterday and I did something I hadn't done in years. I went into a chat room and was very disappointed. What ever happened to just a normal conversation between 2 people instead of finding my picture attractive and immediately wanting to get me in the sack? I am NOT a piece of meat, for fuxake. I ended up talking to one nice guy on the other side of the world, but even he was all fired up to fly halfway across the world to meet. I mean I appreciate the compliment, but come on. I wouldn't mind talking to another woman just to chat, it's harder to "just talk" to women in a way because I feel awkward IMing a total stranger, which is why I've always ended up talking to mostly guys. I just wanted some company and it was too early to call and wake up any of my friends, but that turned into a complete disater. That's one thing I really liked about my druggie days because when I have my meth clubs, druggies are always happy to talk to other druggies, at least they were up until the end of 2006.
So sobriety sometimes really does have it's awkward moments in off the wall ways. My handwriting when I was on meth was always ornate and pretty. Sober, I have to really concentrate on not letting my cursive writing look like chicken scrawl. I can't socialize in quite the same way as easily as I could when I was on meth, although that's not always a bad thing, necessarily. If I were still thin, sobriety would definitely be easier, but I'm going to see if the iboga trip will help me change my thinking about food. I realized while I was at work last Tuesday how much easier it is to just sit and hang out with normies. I couldn't do that before. Looking at life clean is showing me a completely different angle on people, how normies have hurts and frustrations that are just as intense as my own clean. Anyway, I'm rambling. Work was good. I'm almost over this cold. I want to get as enthused about NA as I was in the beginning because it really does help spiritual growth and eventually I want to go with other NA members on a jails and institutions panel, help inmates because I was one at one time. So that's it for now I guess.
P.S. A while back, someone asked me for a pic of my newest ink, but journal wouldn't let me attach one, so here it is.
I was awake very early yesterday and I did something I hadn't done in years. I went into a chat room and was very disappointed. What ever happened to just a normal conversation between 2 people instead of finding my picture attractive and immediately wanting to get me in the sack? I am NOT a piece of meat, for fuxake. I ended up talking to one nice guy on the other side of the world, but even he was all fired up to fly halfway across the world to meet. I mean I appreciate the compliment, but come on. I wouldn't mind talking to another woman just to chat, it's harder to "just talk" to women in a way because I feel awkward IMing a total stranger, which is why I've always ended up talking to mostly guys. I just wanted some company and it was too early to call and wake up any of my friends, but that turned into a complete disater. That's one thing I really liked about my druggie days because when I have my meth clubs, druggies are always happy to talk to other druggies, at least they were up until the end of 2006.
So sobriety sometimes really does have it's awkward moments in off the wall ways. My handwriting when I was on meth was always ornate and pretty. Sober, I have to really concentrate on not letting my cursive writing look like chicken scrawl. I can't socialize in quite the same way as easily as I could when I was on meth, although that's not always a bad thing, necessarily. If I were still thin, sobriety would definitely be easier, but I'm going to see if the iboga trip will help me change my thinking about food. I realized while I was at work last Tuesday how much easier it is to just sit and hang out with normies. I couldn't do that before. Looking at life clean is showing me a completely different angle on people, how normies have hurts and frustrations that are just as intense as my own clean. Anyway, I'm rambling. Work was good. I'm almost over this cold. I want to get as enthused about NA as I was in the beginning because it really does help spiritual growth and eventually I want to go with other NA members on a jails and institutions panel, help inmates because I was one at one time. So that's it for now I guess.
P.S. A while back, someone asked me for a pic of my newest ink, but journal wouldn't let me attach one, so here it is.