New
Bluelight Crew
This is the third and most likely final entry from my rehab journal worth posting. It's from New Year's '06 as well. Damn, this feels like the director's commentary to my life.
--
It's later this morning, 3:32 to be exact. Have Been trying to fall asleep for an hour. That's what I get for taking an afternoon nap. I probably won't get any sleep until an hour or four before I wake up. I feel so alone. And, as much as I hate to even consider, afraid.
I'm afraid of the dark, for darkness facilitates seeing inside the mind. No one on this planet would want to imagine the horrors and terrors I see every night. They are the vilest of bogeymen, with visages that would cause the most courageous of men to cower like toddlers. Their bodies as hard as stone, they move as fast as I can think and their flesh scarred in manners that the most horrible tortures could not deliver.
So often I imagine these horrors that I forget about the immaterial wisps that creep into my soul and create only the purest, most foreboding and coldest of terrors that I experience down to my very bones. Back on dextromethorphan, I grew from fearing death to accepting it. Now that I have said goodbye to my passion, only a void remains.
And that void has been filled up with nothing capable of holding me up when I can not go it alone, not yet. Right now I am on my own, and my fear is a reminder of that. But wait! Fear is but a symptom of an even greater desire, what may in fact be the greatest desire of all. The desire to live!
I can see the larger picture very clearly now. I want to live to see another day, I want to live to see today! And I am alive, and it is today, so I should not be afraid, I should not cower! Verily, I am filled with courage to stride into the light and profess my love of life and the living and offer my respect to those passed, because they who have lived before me created pathways and blazed trails so that I would have the necessary provisions to cut my own path and blaze my own trail, touching the lives of everyone I meet for better or worse!
As I head forward in life I will infuse all of my anger, my fury and my hatred coupled with all of my kindness, and ALL of my faith, AND ALL OF MY HOPE into every course of action I pursue! Gone are the days of yore where I would hide in shame of the stares of my peers! This is the year where I seize my strengths as a healer of souls and recapture my peace of mind!
I swear on the first day of this New Year that I will turn my will into the will of God himself! He is a loving God, and I only wish to ease the hearts and minds of my pained peers, so I see no just cause to let a petty phobia interfere with with performing acts of kindness towards others! I don't care if anybody likes me! I wouldn't mind if everybody hated me! They could all spit in my face and call me the worst obscenities they could possibly imagine!
FOR MY NAME IS [New] AND I AM MY OWN! I BELONG TO NO OTHER HUMAN! AND I EXIST TO KNOW AS MUCH AS I NEED IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO TOUCH AS MANY LIVES AS I CAN IN A POSITIVE MANNER! Thank you, and good morning.
--
It's later this morning, 3:32 to be exact. Have Been trying to fall asleep for an hour. That's what I get for taking an afternoon nap. I probably won't get any sleep until an hour or four before I wake up. I feel so alone. And, as much as I hate to even consider, afraid.
I'm afraid of the dark, for darkness facilitates seeing inside the mind. No one on this planet would want to imagine the horrors and terrors I see every night. They are the vilest of bogeymen, with visages that would cause the most courageous of men to cower like toddlers. Their bodies as hard as stone, they move as fast as I can think and their flesh scarred in manners that the most horrible tortures could not deliver.
So often I imagine these horrors that I forget about the immaterial wisps that creep into my soul and create only the purest, most foreboding and coldest of terrors that I experience down to my very bones. Back on dextromethorphan, I grew from fearing death to accepting it. Now that I have said goodbye to my passion, only a void remains.
And that void has been filled up with nothing capable of holding me up when I can not go it alone, not yet. Right now I am on my own, and my fear is a reminder of that. But wait! Fear is but a symptom of an even greater desire, what may in fact be the greatest desire of all. The desire to live!
I can see the larger picture very clearly now. I want to live to see another day, I want to live to see today! And I am alive, and it is today, so I should not be afraid, I should not cower! Verily, I am filled with courage to stride into the light and profess my love of life and the living and offer my respect to those passed, because they who have lived before me created pathways and blazed trails so that I would have the necessary provisions to cut my own path and blaze my own trail, touching the lives of everyone I meet for better or worse!
As I head forward in life I will infuse all of my anger, my fury and my hatred coupled with all of my kindness, and ALL of my faith, AND ALL OF MY HOPE into every course of action I pursue! Gone are the days of yore where I would hide in shame of the stares of my peers! This is the year where I seize my strengths as a healer of souls and recapture my peace of mind!
I swear on the first day of this New Year that I will turn my will into the will of God himself! He is a loving God, and I only wish to ease the hearts and minds of my pained peers, so I see no just cause to let a petty phobia interfere with with performing acts of kindness towards others! I don't care if anybody likes me! I wouldn't mind if everybody hated me! They could all spit in my face and call me the worst obscenities they could possibly imagine!
FOR MY NAME IS [New] AND I AM MY OWN! I BELONG TO NO OTHER HUMAN! AND I EXIST TO KNOW AS MUCH AS I NEED IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO TOUCH AS MANY LIVES AS I CAN IN A POSITIVE MANNER! Thank you, and good morning.
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