Zer0mancer
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 7, 2017
- Messages
- 4
Hello,
First post, I'm sorry if this is too long, but I'm hoping that writing this down, and facing my demons and actions will help me gain some insight, as well a peace. Please tell me if part of this belongs elsewhere. And thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and reach out. I could use it. Here goes nothing....
--intro--
I first came here occasionally to find out stats and facts about drugs I was curious about, or making sure combos were safe. But eventually was to cross check info about different versions of my DOC, effects, strengths and best ways to use them for "max effect".
Who knows, maybe this will speak to another new user in a way other things aren't or better, prevent someone from ever getting into this mess. This is my personal downward spiral, and unfortunately, I'm at the finally at the bottom looking up, wishing I would have had my epiphany a year ago, two, while i still had at least some grasp on my life and reality.
This is my story, or rather, the story of my fall from a man FULL of promise and ambition, to a full blown depressed, suocidal, lethargic, self pitying addict. This DOES get a little heavy. Just FYI.
--about/beginning of the end--
I was a long term daily marijuana smoker for about 8 years (17-25yo) only stopped when I took a several month trip to Japan and didn't have a was. When I got back it has lost its appeal but it never had life ruin effects outside the odd lost job as a teen for smelling like it or being too lazy and not doing homework or chores on time. And as an adult my thoughts were: if you go to work, pay the bills, take care of you an yours, who cares if you smoke pots. I wish to god I wouldve kept that bong in my hand, BC putting it down and picking up the pill bottle turned me from the stoner guy who manages the local Video Game store, to an un or under employed addict, leaving good jobs for flexible ones that could accommodate withdrawals or needing to leave for an hour mid shift to hook up with my dealer so I can finish the day like everyone else.
That DOC was of course, the devil himself:Opiates, hydro was first, then oxy, fent, dilauded, and finally Opana. I fell in love after a serious accident left me seriously injured and was given an RX. After recovery, I left with an ongoing rx for hydro and due to the extent of damange it seemed situation with no end date until we figured out if any surgery or procedure could help (hit by a fast moving car as pedestrian). The pain was (still is 4yrs later) still there, but the euphoria and wonderful feelin the opiates produce was the end all be all of feeling alive and I had to feel like that forever. I went thru the typical "superman" period where I got so much done and was a great happy guy. Then they didn't work as well, I had been doing well, 2 5mg hydro daily, small stuff, but then was given an extra one a day, cool, but I still lost that "lift" I had before. So pop all 3 at once daily, ride it then chill. Then it was 3 twice a day, run out of rx 2 weeks in and have to bum from friend who would give me 10 my oxy per day for chores (older lady). 6 months, not enough, dont push dr. Old lady friend has a disabled buddy who needs weekly yardwork done. Will offer 10 30mg oxy per month for 1 days work per month 15 for 2 days.
Cut them in half, now your rx is enough with that to dose twice daily and have that extra 1 10mg ox per day right?
Nope, 30 mg ox with no acet put that hydro to shame, made it last resort. Soon am trading my whole 90p rx for 10-15 more if I added some cash/work. Now I have 25-35 per month, solid.
-1 year passes-
I'm in final year of university, degree on the line. 7 months left. Averaging 3 30's/day "just to make it thru (except first 2 years just bud and last it was progressing, fast but not life overtaking, tho I knew I was probably playing with Fire and this couldnt last forever or I'm in big trouble. My dose went from 15mg/day to 90 in 12 months.
--lost control--
Best friend for 12 years dies thanksgiving break in sleep, undiagnosed condition, 26 years old, I was just with him 6-7 before they found him.... World shatters under your feet. You're in a nightmare, that phone call from his mom was a dream. Wake up. Stop crying in your sleep and wake up. Why are you dreaming about it making you get sick? Wake up. Who dreams about sobbing into the toilet throwing up? So dumb, chill out, He's alive...wake...up.
Get real... You know...you know that you've been awake this whole time. You know that this IS real....
Shocked. Lost. Scared. Broken. Confused. Why him? Broken. He didn't even use drugs (well pot, but w.e I mean Pharms or big5 mainly) and was in good shape. Broken.
School gives me 2 weeks clean absences to deal with the aftermath, assuring it will not affects grades or graduation.
2 weeks, in and out of suits, houses, funeral homes, cars, ceremonies. 2 weeks denial, agony, confusion. I need another oxy to get thru this service. Another for the burial. Another to entertain guests after. And, another....bc it'll make me feel...sometbing.
Mid November, back at school, trying to get back to normal dose before I run myself out.
Finals coming, real finals, 2nd to last before you graduate for good. Stress. Anxiety. Oxy. Relief.
I make it, 3.35 gpa, scholarship awarded for performance. I did it! Thanks oxy!
--Winterbreak. Final breakdown--
End on a high, but you can't do it again, you sacrificed 4 days of using, plus spent an extra 200$ to make it until refil time. Can't afford it, and you know where it leads. Run out, of them or $$, withdraws. No we can't. Schools almost over I can't afford to detox right now. Buck up, and make some money at a small job over break.
....5 days into break...he died, your best friend who just passed a month ago... His brother passed with an illness.... No. Can't be happening. No. Not again. No. This is a sick joke... No...
All the feelings rush back, compounded with this new heartbreak, can I do this all again? You must, their mom needs you, she has lost both her sons and you were like a third, she needs you.... One for the service, two for the funeral, 1 for entertaining... And two, when you get home, alone, to face the truth.....
Fuck that small job. Fuck anyone who thinks that "God" would let this happen, to me, to them, to their mother. Fuck waking up, fuck everything. 2,3,4 more. Running out, who cares, life is a joke.
Until you're out and refil day for everyone is 10 days off. Panic. No, not WD's when I'm already in so much pain.
Found a dealer, he wants triple what I'm used to. Woah, balk, nvm, not worth it.
2-3 days later, sick, agony, can't move, miserable, life pointless... Make the call.
Ripoff but I have it, be better next month bc that was a steep 300$.
--winter break over, spring semester--
Depression has taken over, can't leave bed without 2 30's. Suicide? Give up? Drop out to wallow? Maybe? No, I csnt, I'm too close.
Make it, several breakdowns, missed days, therapy, support. You make it.
University graduate! Best moment of your life, right? better take 2 so you can put on the happy face, bc even huge achievements lose to depression, loss and addiction.
-summer, the first real experience with WD-
Your father is flying you to Japan for the summer, been planned forever, you used to be so passionate about the trip, now nothing but dread.
You need as many as possible, but student loan gone. And you need your money for real essentials to live in Japan for months.
House help, chordes, favors, trades, sales. You get enough for 1 a day. Fine. That's better than none.
Opiates are very illegal in Japan, 5yr minimum, up to 20. New and improved addiction controlled brain:"who cares throw them in the hyrdo bottle"
21 hrs flying, 4 stops, 4 bag checks. All clear. You made it. Now your free to have a great summer
--Japan--
You love it here. It's fun. So you always want the cherry on top, and there's no weed in this country and you don't drink. Take an oxy. Another.
90 days, you run out in 21....
Wd's, bad, first time purging from sustem in 2 years. So sick, think your dying, can't tell dad why, can't get any more no matter what.
10 days. 10 days to recover enough to leave the apartment, 10 days of once in lifetime trip wasted, never to get back. Guilty. Dad is upset.
Time to come clean, he listens, try's to understand. We spend a week hitting massage, spa, healthy foods.
I almost feel a human again.
48 days no opiates, going home. Pain is high, as is most days without ops due to injury. But you feel almost free.
-final flight, 6 hr, shortest one. All good, until you tweak your neck injury bad in turbulence. Break out aleve/non narc RX's for pain, ring attendant for water, NOW. Pain escalating, she's taking her time. Ring again, getting now...
Grabs whole tray, passed them 1 by 1 all the way to everyone else (I'm in back, emergency pain). Finally to me, swallow, 30 min, nothing, hour, pain.
Don't do this, don't. You can do without. Maybe do NA when I get homem
--return--
Waiting to pick me up, all smiles and hugs! Grab the luggage and head to car. grunts, limps, pain, friend can tell.... "Do you want some Opana?"
Huh? What's that?
-oxy but better, try it.
Magic, better than life itself. Took 3 weeks to be obsessed, need as many as I can. Money? Job? Life? Who cares? Need those Opana.
Lose that job, sell your prized possessions, don't waste $ on food clothes or... Anything.
Bum money from family, steal when you can't. Lie lie lie. Ruin relationships.
Wait! Fuck this my fiancée is going to leave me and I'm abojt to lose my car and everything else.
--rehab--
30 days, therapy, group, NA, journals, clean living.
Success?
No. They shove subs down you and call it clean. I was worse off. They were more expensive.
Stop taking them, friend offers to buy what's left. Uh okay? He tRades... 30's.
--Rock Bottom---
December 2016-April2017
You lost your job. Rehab failed. No friends. No family that likes you, liar. Theif. Junky. Any and all money goes to Opana or oxy. 100's weekly.
Finally using so much that I'm in a LaLa land ignoring the wreckage in front of me.
parents pay car bill abd move me to theirs to make sure I'm not homeless.
"Going to work" is the 45 min drive to meet oxy dealer 3-4x a week with whatever I could scrape up. Meet in rehab. I trust him. We meet up all the time. Smooth.
Feburary, usual meet up, acting weird, wants money up front. Fine. Met up like 20 times recently, I trust it.
He walks over to "dealer" talks in window... The jumps in, they take off.
Me, wd'ing, I need my shit or money, floor it, they try to get away bjt I'm on them.
My brain is so messed up, my mind so set on these drugs that I risk the one thing in the world left to me, and ram my car into theirs. They veer off road and hit a pole, car totaled, not sure about mine yet. I run to them to (what? There's two huge ghetto dealers and me, you totalled their car, you think they will just give you the drugs or money back?) ask why me? When I was a consistent loyal customer. I should have just left.
10 minutes later
My face is beaten in, clothes ripped, I have no money, No drugs, Wds, my "friend" robbed and jumped me, I wrecked my car and I'm an hour from
Home. That was all my money left. Sure j was going to waste it, but at least I'd be high?
Panic. Fear.
Car has big dent. The area smells like
Fluid, rubber, gas. But drives. Get home. Now. Cops are coming. Process later.
I make it to fiancées. Tell her what happened. Pissed but sympathized to a point.
I cant do this. Time to change.
--3 weeks later--
New job, bills paid. Good stuff on the way, clean, sober, too busy to deal with the skeletons in the closet.
4/27/2017
Boss gets bad news. He's losing his ability to walk. and can't keep his job. Makes a point to try And make everyone miserable.
Fired a guy for taking a Newspaper from trash to read, STEALING!
Another for headphones on clock. AGAINST RULES
And then me. Hard worker. Getting recognition for effort. Rising star.
My car hisses bad on road during lunch. Call work to tell them I'll be late, stopping by auto shop. Fix it up. Get back.
Boss waiting. "We said no hour lunches ever again"
I called
"Never got it"
I did
"Whatever you say, you're suspended until we decide what happens"
Shocked. Angry. Jerk reaction I call him out for recent behavior. Bad call.
Fired.
Fired...
I need this job, my recovery and plans/goals depend on it!
Freak out. Run to "friend". Who offers comfort... And opiates.
Now I'm at the end of a 3 week binge. Last full check buying any and all I could find.
Stole again. Was caught, now facing eviction.
Broke
Homeless
Jobless
Depressed
Lonely
Addicted
Withdrawing
No friends or family
Lost
...broken
And I don't know how to fix it this time.....
First post, I'm sorry if this is too long, but I'm hoping that writing this down, and facing my demons and actions will help me gain some insight, as well a peace. Please tell me if part of this belongs elsewhere. And thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and reach out. I could use it. Here goes nothing....
--intro--
I first came here occasionally to find out stats and facts about drugs I was curious about, or making sure combos were safe. But eventually was to cross check info about different versions of my DOC, effects, strengths and best ways to use them for "max effect".
Who knows, maybe this will speak to another new user in a way other things aren't or better, prevent someone from ever getting into this mess. This is my personal downward spiral, and unfortunately, I'm at the finally at the bottom looking up, wishing I would have had my epiphany a year ago, two, while i still had at least some grasp on my life and reality.
This is my story, or rather, the story of my fall from a man FULL of promise and ambition, to a full blown depressed, suocidal, lethargic, self pitying addict. This DOES get a little heavy. Just FYI.
--about/beginning of the end--
I was a long term daily marijuana smoker for about 8 years (17-25yo) only stopped when I took a several month trip to Japan and didn't have a was. When I got back it has lost its appeal but it never had life ruin effects outside the odd lost job as a teen for smelling like it or being too lazy and not doing homework or chores on time. And as an adult my thoughts were: if you go to work, pay the bills, take care of you an yours, who cares if you smoke pots. I wish to god I wouldve kept that bong in my hand, BC putting it down and picking up the pill bottle turned me from the stoner guy who manages the local Video Game store, to an un or under employed addict, leaving good jobs for flexible ones that could accommodate withdrawals or needing to leave for an hour mid shift to hook up with my dealer so I can finish the day like everyone else.
That DOC was of course, the devil himself:Opiates, hydro was first, then oxy, fent, dilauded, and finally Opana. I fell in love after a serious accident left me seriously injured and was given an RX. After recovery, I left with an ongoing rx for hydro and due to the extent of damange it seemed situation with no end date until we figured out if any surgery or procedure could help (hit by a fast moving car as pedestrian). The pain was (still is 4yrs later) still there, but the euphoria and wonderful feelin the opiates produce was the end all be all of feeling alive and I had to feel like that forever. I went thru the typical "superman" period where I got so much done and was a great happy guy. Then they didn't work as well, I had been doing well, 2 5mg hydro daily, small stuff, but then was given an extra one a day, cool, but I still lost that "lift" I had before. So pop all 3 at once daily, ride it then chill. Then it was 3 twice a day, run out of rx 2 weeks in and have to bum from friend who would give me 10 my oxy per day for chores (older lady). 6 months, not enough, dont push dr. Old lady friend has a disabled buddy who needs weekly yardwork done. Will offer 10 30mg oxy per month for 1 days work per month 15 for 2 days.
Cut them in half, now your rx is enough with that to dose twice daily and have that extra 1 10mg ox per day right?
Nope, 30 mg ox with no acet put that hydro to shame, made it last resort. Soon am trading my whole 90p rx for 10-15 more if I added some cash/work. Now I have 25-35 per month, solid.
-1 year passes-
I'm in final year of university, degree on the line. 7 months left. Averaging 3 30's/day "just to make it thru (except first 2 years just bud and last it was progressing, fast but not life overtaking, tho I knew I was probably playing with Fire and this couldnt last forever or I'm in big trouble. My dose went from 15mg/day to 90 in 12 months.
--lost control--
Best friend for 12 years dies thanksgiving break in sleep, undiagnosed condition, 26 years old, I was just with him 6-7 before they found him.... World shatters under your feet. You're in a nightmare, that phone call from his mom was a dream. Wake up. Stop crying in your sleep and wake up. Why are you dreaming about it making you get sick? Wake up. Who dreams about sobbing into the toilet throwing up? So dumb, chill out, He's alive...wake...up.
Get real... You know...you know that you've been awake this whole time. You know that this IS real....
Shocked. Lost. Scared. Broken. Confused. Why him? Broken. He didn't even use drugs (well pot, but w.e I mean Pharms or big5 mainly) and was in good shape. Broken.
School gives me 2 weeks clean absences to deal with the aftermath, assuring it will not affects grades or graduation.
2 weeks, in and out of suits, houses, funeral homes, cars, ceremonies. 2 weeks denial, agony, confusion. I need another oxy to get thru this service. Another for the burial. Another to entertain guests after. And, another....bc it'll make me feel...sometbing.
Mid November, back at school, trying to get back to normal dose before I run myself out.
Finals coming, real finals, 2nd to last before you graduate for good. Stress. Anxiety. Oxy. Relief.
I make it, 3.35 gpa, scholarship awarded for performance. I did it! Thanks oxy!
--Winterbreak. Final breakdown--
End on a high, but you can't do it again, you sacrificed 4 days of using, plus spent an extra 200$ to make it until refil time. Can't afford it, and you know where it leads. Run out, of them or $$, withdraws. No we can't. Schools almost over I can't afford to detox right now. Buck up, and make some money at a small job over break.
....5 days into break...he died, your best friend who just passed a month ago... His brother passed with an illness.... No. Can't be happening. No. Not again. No. This is a sick joke... No...
All the feelings rush back, compounded with this new heartbreak, can I do this all again? You must, their mom needs you, she has lost both her sons and you were like a third, she needs you.... One for the service, two for the funeral, 1 for entertaining... And two, when you get home, alone, to face the truth.....
Fuck that small job. Fuck anyone who thinks that "God" would let this happen, to me, to them, to their mother. Fuck waking up, fuck everything. 2,3,4 more. Running out, who cares, life is a joke.
Until you're out and refil day for everyone is 10 days off. Panic. No, not WD's when I'm already in so much pain.
Found a dealer, he wants triple what I'm used to. Woah, balk, nvm, not worth it.
2-3 days later, sick, agony, can't move, miserable, life pointless... Make the call.
Ripoff but I have it, be better next month bc that was a steep 300$.
--winter break over, spring semester--
Depression has taken over, can't leave bed without 2 30's. Suicide? Give up? Drop out to wallow? Maybe? No, I csnt, I'm too close.
Make it, several breakdowns, missed days, therapy, support. You make it.
University graduate! Best moment of your life, right? better take 2 so you can put on the happy face, bc even huge achievements lose to depression, loss and addiction.
-summer, the first real experience with WD-
Your father is flying you to Japan for the summer, been planned forever, you used to be so passionate about the trip, now nothing but dread.
You need as many as possible, but student loan gone. And you need your money for real essentials to live in Japan for months.
House help, chordes, favors, trades, sales. You get enough for 1 a day. Fine. That's better than none.
Opiates are very illegal in Japan, 5yr minimum, up to 20. New and improved addiction controlled brain:"who cares throw them in the hyrdo bottle"
21 hrs flying, 4 stops, 4 bag checks. All clear. You made it. Now your free to have a great summer
--Japan--
You love it here. It's fun. So you always want the cherry on top, and there's no weed in this country and you don't drink. Take an oxy. Another.
90 days, you run out in 21....
Wd's, bad, first time purging from sustem in 2 years. So sick, think your dying, can't tell dad why, can't get any more no matter what.
10 days. 10 days to recover enough to leave the apartment, 10 days of once in lifetime trip wasted, never to get back. Guilty. Dad is upset.
Time to come clean, he listens, try's to understand. We spend a week hitting massage, spa, healthy foods.
I almost feel a human again.
48 days no opiates, going home. Pain is high, as is most days without ops due to injury. But you feel almost free.
-final flight, 6 hr, shortest one. All good, until you tweak your neck injury bad in turbulence. Break out aleve/non narc RX's for pain, ring attendant for water, NOW. Pain escalating, she's taking her time. Ring again, getting now...
Grabs whole tray, passed them 1 by 1 all the way to everyone else (I'm in back, emergency pain). Finally to me, swallow, 30 min, nothing, hour, pain.
Don't do this, don't. You can do without. Maybe do NA when I get homem
--return--
Waiting to pick me up, all smiles and hugs! Grab the luggage and head to car. grunts, limps, pain, friend can tell.... "Do you want some Opana?"
Huh? What's that?
-oxy but better, try it.
Magic, better than life itself. Took 3 weeks to be obsessed, need as many as I can. Money? Job? Life? Who cares? Need those Opana.
Lose that job, sell your prized possessions, don't waste $ on food clothes or... Anything.
Bum money from family, steal when you can't. Lie lie lie. Ruin relationships.
Wait! Fuck this my fiancée is going to leave me and I'm abojt to lose my car and everything else.
--rehab--
30 days, therapy, group, NA, journals, clean living.
Success?
No. They shove subs down you and call it clean. I was worse off. They were more expensive.
Stop taking them, friend offers to buy what's left. Uh okay? He tRades... 30's.
--Rock Bottom---
December 2016-April2017
You lost your job. Rehab failed. No friends. No family that likes you, liar. Theif. Junky. Any and all money goes to Opana or oxy. 100's weekly.
Finally using so much that I'm in a LaLa land ignoring the wreckage in front of me.
parents pay car bill abd move me to theirs to make sure I'm not homeless.
"Going to work" is the 45 min drive to meet oxy dealer 3-4x a week with whatever I could scrape up. Meet in rehab. I trust him. We meet up all the time. Smooth.
Feburary, usual meet up, acting weird, wants money up front. Fine. Met up like 20 times recently, I trust it.
He walks over to "dealer" talks in window... The jumps in, they take off.
Me, wd'ing, I need my shit or money, floor it, they try to get away bjt I'm on them.
My brain is so messed up, my mind so set on these drugs that I risk the one thing in the world left to me, and ram my car into theirs. They veer off road and hit a pole, car totaled, not sure about mine yet. I run to them to (what? There's two huge ghetto dealers and me, you totalled their car, you think they will just give you the drugs or money back?) ask why me? When I was a consistent loyal customer. I should have just left.
10 minutes later
My face is beaten in, clothes ripped, I have no money, No drugs, Wds, my "friend" robbed and jumped me, I wrecked my car and I'm an hour from
Home. That was all my money left. Sure j was going to waste it, but at least I'd be high?
Panic. Fear.
Car has big dent. The area smells like
Fluid, rubber, gas. But drives. Get home. Now. Cops are coming. Process later.
I make it to fiancées. Tell her what happened. Pissed but sympathized to a point.
I cant do this. Time to change.
--3 weeks later--
New job, bills paid. Good stuff on the way, clean, sober, too busy to deal with the skeletons in the closet.
4/27/2017
Boss gets bad news. He's losing his ability to walk. and can't keep his job. Makes a point to try And make everyone miserable.
Fired a guy for taking a Newspaper from trash to read, STEALING!
Another for headphones on clock. AGAINST RULES
And then me. Hard worker. Getting recognition for effort. Rising star.
My car hisses bad on road during lunch. Call work to tell them I'll be late, stopping by auto shop. Fix it up. Get back.
Boss waiting. "We said no hour lunches ever again"
I called
"Never got it"
I did
"Whatever you say, you're suspended until we decide what happens"
Shocked. Angry. Jerk reaction I call him out for recent behavior. Bad call.
Fired.
Fired...
I need this job, my recovery and plans/goals depend on it!
Freak out. Run to "friend". Who offers comfort... And opiates.
Now I'm at the end of a 3 week binge. Last full check buying any and all I could find.
Stole again. Was caught, now facing eviction.
Broke
Homeless
Jobless
Depressed
Lonely
Addicted
Withdrawing
No friends or family
Lost
...broken
And I don't know how to fix it this time.....
