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New user. Trying to get some input on the sex, love & relationship forum? - Help?

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PotentiallyExcited

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 6, 2016
Messages
10
Location
Tucson, AZ
Hi - total noob here and not sure how to get the ball rolling. If there's already a discussion going on point with this, feel free to point me in the right direction.

Quick summary - Married 5 years, together about 7, multiple kids from prior marriages, mostly grown and out of the house. I would honestly describe us as very happily married - good open communication, rarely argue, and in general a good "team". My wife has become increasingly flirtatious over the past several months to year. Allowing/encouraging strangers to feel her up, motorboat her, etc. when she's out. First time I was out to get us drinks and came back to watch her take turns pulling a couple of guys facedown into her goodies. Similar incidents a few times, sometimes I'm there, sometimes not and then not sure I'm getting the whole story. More recently, she's been really flirty with a particular mutual guy friend. She admitted to me (after multiple discussions downplaying/denying the situation) that she made out with him a couple of times, told him to play with her tits, grabbed his ass, that sort of thing. The last time we were out in a group she pretty much passed herself around the group, and ended up telling this guy that she wanted to fuck him. Repeatedly, and in front of me. So, I'm this weird combination of being freaked out and being totally turned on. He told her he wouldn't do anything unless he could bring in a girl for me to do the same. She vacillates between denying any feelings in that regard to openly telling me she wants a 3 or 4-way, and really wants to blow him. I'm turned on by the idea of seeing her pleasing someone/being pleased, but a little concerned about potential attachment, since it's someone we know. Does that make it safer, or higher risk for emotional context? Anybody experienced with this or going through similar questions?
Thanks:)
 
You're not going to like this.

First of all, the lack of healthy communication beforehand between you two has disaster written all over it. And then, there's the fact that this guy is a mutual friend of yours. Fix these two issues if you can, before doing something you'll regret. Sorry I know you're going to want some kind of explanation for what I'm saying but I'll let the others paint the whole picture for you.

My two cents.
 
ed.ston said:
You're not going to like this.

First of all, the lack of healthy communication beforehand between you two has disaster written all over it. And then, there's the fact that this guy is a mutual friend of yours. Fix these two issues if you can, before doing something you'll regret. Sorry I know you're going to want some kind of explanation for what I'm saying but I'll let the others paint the whole picture for you.

My two cents.
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ed.ston - Thank you. I am particularly concerned with this guy. I have the distinct impression that she has much stronger feelings/urges for him than she wants to admit - even to herself. And I agree, if we don't have very clear communication on this issue regarding each of our expectations and boundaries, disaster is imminent. Thanks.
 
She clearly has some intimacy issues if you'll pardon my saying so. The kind of behavior you're describing is how she intends to sabotage the relationship.
If I were you, I'd respect myself and set some boundaries. Something like, "if you continue to entertain other mens' sexual advances and bring chaos into our relationship I'm going to leave you and take our kids."
Your kids don't need to grow up in a house that's unstable. You're both parents. The time for sexual experimentation is long over.
 
ScroogeMcDuck57 - Thanks. I'm going to have to directly address the issue with her again today. We're going to a party for a friend of ours tonight, and she's doing the set-up/catering for it. Problem - it's at "that guy's" house, and she told me yesterday she's planning on going over 3-4 hours before the party to set up everything. What could possibly go wrong... Gotta make "remember you love me and you're married" not sound desperate. It doesn't take much more than primal instincts (and alcohol) for a woman to smell weakness and have an excuse for crossing the line with a bad boy type.
 
PotentiallyExcited said:
It doesn't take much more than primal instincts (and alcohol) for a woman to smell weakness and have an excuse for crossing the line with a bad boy type.
Click to expand...

You're welcome, and I'm sorry for being harsh. I take a little issue with your last sentence. Healthy people are respectful of their marriage and have a strong emotional connection to their partner that inhibits them from seeking other relationships. There's supposed to be intimacy in a serious relationship like marriage.

I wonder why you have such poor boundaries, and what attracted you to a woman like this. It sounds like she's walking all over you. Have you gone to a mental health professional ever? And beyond that really think about your children, please. Otherwise they're going to grow up and live chaotically and have unstable relationships because that's what was demonstrated to them.

I don't like giving unsolicited advice; it makes me uncomfortable to write this to you, but I have this information on good authority from an M.D.
 
Dude. If you can't trust her to be alone with "that dude" or anyone else for that matter... it's time to eject.
 
ScroogeMcDuck57 said:
You're welcome, and I'm sorry for being harsh. I take a little issue with your last sentence. Healthy people are respectful of their marriage and have a strong emotional connection to their partner that inhibits them from seeking other relationships. There's supposed to be intimacy in a serious relationship like marriage.

I wonder why you have such poor boundaries, and what attracted you to a woman like this. It sounds like she's walking all over you. Have you gone to a mental health professional ever? And beyond that really think about your children, please. Otherwise they're going to grow up and live chaotically and have unstable relationships because that's what was demonstrated to them.

I don't like giving unsolicited advice; it makes me uncomfortable to write this to you, but I have this information on good authority from an M.D.
Click to expand...

I have had relationship therapy before. Her seriousness and commitment to our relationship had been unshakable. It's been a relatively recent and substantial change in behavior. We've been married for 5 years, known each other for 10, and I don't think she had ever acted anything like this prior to the past year. Had generally been relatively shy, didn't even like going out much. She had some medical diagnoses last year and literally though she might be dying. All ok now, but there will be regular CT scans for years to come now.

I know "alcohol may intensify the effect", and none of the events occurred under what could be even close to sober activity. So, I'm left wondering if the juice is changing her behavior, or if she's just acting on things she's already feeling.
 
I used to date a bitch that did that type of bullshit. And guess what happened? She ended up running off with some fugly ass rich guy who was like 20 years older than her. Was I surprised? No. Do I give a fuck? No. Do I ever want to see her stupid face ever again? No. Beware dude. I think you already know where this is headed, and you're just looking for someone to confirm your suspicions. Well, let me be the first to confirm. This thread has "wife planning to cheat" written all over it.
 
DeadElvis666 said:
I used to date a bitch that did that type of bullshit. And guess what happened? She ended up running off with some fugly ass rich guy who was like 20 years older than her. Was I surprised? No. Do I give a fuck? No. Do I ever want to see her stupid face ever again? No. Beware dude. I think you already know where this is headed, and you're just looking for someone to confirm your suspicions. Well, let me be the first to confirm. This thread has "wife planning to cheat" written all over it.
Click to expand...

If she isn't already.
 
Yeah. This situation sounds fucked. And I don't use that word lightly (well... not in this context).

EDIT: Sorry, that was technically against the rules. OP, what I should have said is, "Unless you're 100% comfortable with what's going on with your relationship, I suggest you find a way out."

Shit just has danger written all over it, methinks.
 
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pofacedhoe said:
sounds like she has no boundaries. is she like this sober?
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She's a little flirty sober, but nothing really inappropriate. About 3 drinks in and she can quickly go into full on attention seeking. I think part of it is knowing that I want her is a given, so she wants to feel sexually attractive to others. The boundaries have definitely moved over the past several months. It started with typical "I'm married" boundaries - hugs only, no more. Then it moved to telling guys to grab her boobs and motorboat her - her rationalization was that was no big deal, it's just boobs, but everything else was off the table. The a trip out of town with a girlfriend and she's dancing and doing shots with some guys, lets them both have a go at her rack and starts making out with them. She denied it for a long time and said "he tried to kiss her", but hearing more about it little by little and it sounds like they were making out when her friend pulled her out of the bar. Then she started in with the "friend" noted above. Same initial story "I only let him touch my boobs", denied kissing him. Then I get more of the story in bits over a couple of weeks and find out she was sitting on one guy's lap, holding hands with him walking down the street, motorboating both of them, and then what sounds like a full-on make out session. So, the boundary moves again. Kissing is probably ok, because she knows she's probably going to do that anyways. But nothing more. Then it moved to she wants to given this guy a BJ and let him fuck her tits, but no "sex". Pretty sure is she does the former, the latter will quickly follow. It's both arousing and heartbreaking.
 
Well, which is it really? Arousing or heartbreaking? I realize it can be both. But it seems like you're sitting on the fence, not because of her actions, but because you're not sure how you feel about it. You need to do some soul searching. If you want to bang your wife with other guys, then that's your choice, and once you open pandoras box there's no going back. Figure out what you want first, and which point the course of action will be obvious.
 
If the behavior is sudden I feel as if she has always had thoughts of infidelity but didn't start acting on them until those incidents at the bar letting men touch her etc. I think once she started engaging in these behaviors, she craved more. She is also testing you to see how far she can go. First by getting your reaction to the men at the bar, then by admitting to making out with others, then by opening up to you about the mutual friend.

I don't think this is healthy for your relationship. If you both agree to an open sex act, I think it should be with strangers.
 
And if you have any doubt about it, don't do it. You will be left with regret and resentment towards her.
 
T.hopeful - Thanks. It's certainly not a situation I ever though that I would be in. And I think the idea of a stranger at least minimizes the probability of anything emotional developing relationship-wise. A whole lot better than seeing some guy I know in random situations and always just wondering... A lot more communication is in order, for sure. How does she really feel, how long has she felt that way, and certainly, what am I really going to be ok with. Right now it feels like an unfinished jigsaw puzzle where you can't tell where the boundaries are yet. It's kind of like waiting on a medical diagnosis; not knowing is more stressful than any answer you might get.
 
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