Dear All,
I have been struggling with addiction in one for or another for 20 years. I have tried rehab multiple times, got almost 9 months clean at one point. But no matter the good things happening, or the bad things occurring in my life, it never seems to be enough. i wrote something the other night that I felt the urge to post. maybe it helps me to talk about it, maybe it will help someone else to read it. Either way, I'm posting it as sort of an introduction, one many of you can relate to I'm sure.
One, two, three stints in rehab away from my family and my fianc? wasn't enough.
20 years of bouncing from one job to the next, always ending up some number of months later bitching about why they fired me, wasn't enough.
Most of the last two decades spent unemployed, usually broke or close to it, and so incredibly rarely feeling accomplished at a damn thing, wasn't enough.
Missing both my grandparents funerals wasn't enough.
the distinct possibility of missing the last years of my parents lives while i watch my cares and concerns slide down a foil or suck up into a syringe, wasn't enough.
Ruining 3 relationships that i struggled with for years, wasting so much time I could have used doing decent things, wasn't enough.
Watching my parents cry, so many times, and not giving a damn, wasn't enough.
Forcing the one woman I wanted to marry, the one who used to say sweet things and run into my arms, to walk away in disgust, wasn't enough.
To look into her eyes and say I love you, MEAN it, have EVERY INTENTION of proving it, FEELING it, being blind to the fact that despite that, I did nothing to help her see that, wasn't enough.
To promise her the world and only deliver pain, to see a look of disappointment that will haunt me till the day I die, wasn't enough.
To build friendships only to watch them collapse. inevitably ending up wondering why there's so many names in my phone and so few people to call, wasn't enough.
To cry for days at a time when the son I never knew I was going to have, stopped on his path to being born into our arms, and I wasn't there to hold his mother while she did the same, wasn't enough.
To feel an emptiness so dark and so deep that I sometimes wish It would swallow me up, wasn't enough.
To have so many reasons to do the right things, treasure the right people, live the right way, and be a decent man, husband, or friend, and yet, to still continue to burn my life and those of the people in it, to the ground, wasn't enough.
To sit here and realize that I can't do it anymore, i can't breathe, I can't speak, I can't fathom how right now, these things, and many more unspoken, couldn't POSSIBLY. FUCKING. BE. ENOUGH...
And yet it all seems it wasn't enough.
And here we go again.
Groundhog Day.
I make mistakes.
Groundhog Day.
i make the same mistakes.
Groundhog Day.
The same people cry.
Groundhog Day.
The same people feel pain.
Groundhog Day..
The same disappointments.
Groundhog Day.
The same grand hopes that tomorrow will be different!!! And....
Groundhog Day....
Here we go again....
Will it ever be enough...
Will Groundhog Day. ever stop....
I have been struggling with addiction in one for or another for 20 years. I have tried rehab multiple times, got almost 9 months clean at one point. But no matter the good things happening, or the bad things occurring in my life, it never seems to be enough. i wrote something the other night that I felt the urge to post. maybe it helps me to talk about it, maybe it will help someone else to read it. Either way, I'm posting it as sort of an introduction, one many of you can relate to I'm sure.
One, two, three stints in rehab away from my family and my fianc? wasn't enough.
20 years of bouncing from one job to the next, always ending up some number of months later bitching about why they fired me, wasn't enough.
Most of the last two decades spent unemployed, usually broke or close to it, and so incredibly rarely feeling accomplished at a damn thing, wasn't enough.
Missing both my grandparents funerals wasn't enough.
the distinct possibility of missing the last years of my parents lives while i watch my cares and concerns slide down a foil or suck up into a syringe, wasn't enough.
Ruining 3 relationships that i struggled with for years, wasting so much time I could have used doing decent things, wasn't enough.
Watching my parents cry, so many times, and not giving a damn, wasn't enough.
Forcing the one woman I wanted to marry, the one who used to say sweet things and run into my arms, to walk away in disgust, wasn't enough.
To look into her eyes and say I love you, MEAN it, have EVERY INTENTION of proving it, FEELING it, being blind to the fact that despite that, I did nothing to help her see that, wasn't enough.
To promise her the world and only deliver pain, to see a look of disappointment that will haunt me till the day I die, wasn't enough.
To build friendships only to watch them collapse. inevitably ending up wondering why there's so many names in my phone and so few people to call, wasn't enough.
To cry for days at a time when the son I never knew I was going to have, stopped on his path to being born into our arms, and I wasn't there to hold his mother while she did the same, wasn't enough.
To feel an emptiness so dark and so deep that I sometimes wish It would swallow me up, wasn't enough.
To have so many reasons to do the right things, treasure the right people, live the right way, and be a decent man, husband, or friend, and yet, to still continue to burn my life and those of the people in it, to the ground, wasn't enough.
To sit here and realize that I can't do it anymore, i can't breathe, I can't speak, I can't fathom how right now, these things, and many more unspoken, couldn't POSSIBLY. FUCKING. BE. ENOUGH...
And yet it all seems it wasn't enough.
And here we go again.
Groundhog Day.
I make mistakes.
Groundhog Day.
i make the same mistakes.
Groundhog Day.
The same people cry.
Groundhog Day.
The same people feel pain.
Groundhog Day..
The same disappointments.
Groundhog Day.
The same grand hopes that tomorrow will be different!!! And....
Groundhog Day....
Here we go again....
Will it ever be enough...
Will Groundhog Day. ever stop....
