Well! Hello All! After many months/ years of lurking the site and reading so many people's stories during different times of my life I am finally here. Long story short. Opiate, pain pills has been my dirty little secret for 5-6 years off and on. Started slow, like most and before I knew it; not only did I love them, but I was dependent. April of last year I finally had it, my use was at it's all time high. My whole life revolved around pills. "Do I have any? Do I have enough? Am I going to be sick?..." And all of this was a shared secret between my "best friend" at the time. We grew our habit and addiction together. My boyfriend at the time knew I took them here and there but of course, I very well hid the how bad my addiction was, for a long time. I had enough. So did my friend. We quit cold turkey and it was H*LL of course. Stayed clean for awhile. My relationship with my Ex was always toxic. I think thats ONE reason I loved pills so much...I never thought of what was really going on and how bad my relationship was. I was with my Ex for 10 years since I was 18. He's a lying, cheating, manipulative, abusive narcissist. By New Year's 2017 I couldn't do it anymore. For many reasons. I can't blame him, no matter how awful he was/is but I tried Suboxone with that same "friend" (we're no longer friends). I grew stronger month by month to get rid of him once and for all. Of course my little Sub habit was forming. (I knew better.) I'd heard the horror stories of how Subs are so much worse etc. Because I'm already an anxious/ semi depressed person I knew I had to kick the Subs before we split. I did! WDs were so minor! Walk in the park at that time (April). After we split I found out more things he was doing prior to me finally ending it. Hurt and an addict, I got back on the Sub and with all the ups and downs my dosage went up. Needless to say I was on the Subs regularly since May of this year. It has been so hard to quit. Not only in fear of the WDs but with my personal life already a roller coaster. (Not making excuses.) My Ex is a bad seed people. He always finds a way to pop up. Recently I looked at my life and saw where I'm really at. And I am sick and tired of being dependant. I haven't wanted to take Subs for awhile now for a "high", moreso, just because if I don't I'm sick. I'm 27 years old. I have an amazing family (who has no idea of my addictions), a great-very well paying job, good home, vehicle, etc. I am blessed! I don't want to be stuck on this sh*t or anything else anymore!!! This is not me. I have lost myself not only in my addiction but my past relationship. When I went through my major pill WD last year I fessed up to my Ex and that was probably the only thing he has ever been supportive of. I have no one now. I don't have many friends these days as I'm starting my life all ovet again aftet splitting from my Ex. I cannot tell my family. Although I know they would help me in any way possible I cannot disappoint them that way. To the point... I've been doing Subs since May. So I thought switching to pills for a few weeks would help. (I know this isn't the smart way either.) But I could not tapper off the Subs to save my life! I tried and tries. Did pills again for 3 or 4 weeks and then took itty bitty pieces of Sub for about 3/ 4 days max when I told myself this was it. I had been doing pretty d*mn good! I was Sub free since last Wed night and tonight I relapsed with the smallest piece because of b*llshit stress and anxiety. Again, no excuse. I'm going to start all over again tomorrow. I know how this goes. Honestly, I can handle most of it, expect the Anxiety, RLS and Insomnia. That's what gets me. Maybe I'm just writing all this for myself, to get it out somehow, someway. I just feel like a total failure in more ways than one. If anyone even reads my post, I wish you Love Light Strength and Courage. We all have our demons and battles. Not sure what else to say. I want this so bad!!! I really do. I'm so, so disappointed I took that piece to to tonight.
