new to Sober living.. in more ways than one.

[Jabberwocky]

anyway, I am new to the board; the name is Matt. I am from the Boston area and have been throughout my life. drugs surly kicked my ass from the teenage years until present times. sure, alot as changes were made over those years, but the changes were within the drugs, not my life. picked up drug case back in aug 17th 04 for distribution/trafficking of OX/s at the time. ended up away for a bit and then early release to an inpatient program that ran roughly a year and a half.

anyway, I was sober for about 6 years and ran it to an old friend from sober living who happened to have an 80 on him... and BOOM. I am back to being a dope fiend. however, I am not one to blame others, always myself. it was my money that paid the drugs. it was my choice to take the drugs. its my choice to use the drugs the way i do. i am not one of those who give a sad story which led to drug abuse. i actually had a good life but was always in the drug scene; weed, LSD, MDMA, GHB, Coke, Crystal Meth - all party drugs. once I left the party scene then percs and xannys came about. finally, enough was enough, just get out that dope and GIVE IT OVER HERE!

now here I am 3 years later and dead broke, cant afford shit, lucky to still have a job. habit finally got me. thinking a G a day would be "ok". well that gram a day habit turned to 2 grams, then 3 grams and then i stopped paying credit card pills, late on rent, not showing up to work due to sickness, etc. i had enough.

i put 9 days clean together last week and felt fine. on day 10 guess what? i did dope. went 4 days fine. on day 5 guess what? i did dope. i am meeting with an outpatient program next week and hopefully can win this battle. i have done it before and know that I can do it again.

anyway, hi all.

 

[peterjones]

I hope you the best of luck!

 

[caseface99]

Welcome to Bluelight!

Congrats on making the decision to end your misery and get your shit together! It's not going to be easy, but you will be so happy when you realize you truly don't need to do this anymore and that you CAN have a better life!

I'm about to pass out, so I'll post more in the morning - Just wanted to welcome and congratulate you! It's really a great thing you're doing. I wish you the best!

 

[Ozekat]

Yeah Boston, I'm glad to hear you are still trying....that is the key. It takes repeated efforts, and when we "fall down" (start using again) we have to pick ourselves up from that spot and keep truckin......as for me I am doing so much better than I have been all year, thanks to making the connection that the true happiness I seek is not to be found in any drugs.....that is the ultimate true reality for me.

Much fun and good things can be had/found without drugs.....lately I find myself struggling with being around the users, and the drug usage on my part becomes easy. I need to reinforce my decisions and be able to back them up and I will be unstoppable, and unswayable.


You are trying and it sounds like you want this for yourself. The wishy-washy part of addiction (one day I'm clean, one day I'm not) is the real silent killer IMO.....I'm not like all, but I've found a beginning of a path that is working like crazy for me! (in a good , less drugs needed kind of way )

Best of luck, glad you are posting we are all happy to have you around.

 

[itsALLfake]

Outpatient is a good idea. It helps you integrate back into society. Inpatient is very helpful to people getting detoxed, but jumping back into the real world right after inpatient doesn't work out for most people. Having a medium to express yourself honestly with others is an extremely crucial tool in early recovery.

 

[Jabberwocky]

well, I used today. ended up doing a half G - shot, of course. and for some reason my forearm is still killing from my 1PM shot. hmmm, kinda worries me. its weird because I know it was only a month ago, but I was using daily, and much more. now that I basically made myself go broke and been TRYING MY BEST TO FOLLOW THIS ROAD, ive been using less and less, which is good. but i am not sure if its a money factory or is it really me wanting/trying to get clean. what i feel is nuts is i usually blast 2-3G's and today blasted a half and "felt it". makes me wondering if i have been overdoing it all this time or if my tolerance is beginning to drop with my usage no where near what it once was. plus, i had those stints of 9 days clean, 1 use, 4 clean, 1 use, 4 clean, 3 use, 2 clean, a use. i see it going in the wrong direction but still TRYING here and keeping the money away from me seems to be working best. although, the other night i pulled a TRUE JUNKIE MOVE and sold my iPad for $$ just to get some. and here I am saying I want to be clean? maybe im wrong? noooooo, i know im right. this has all made me sick. even as i sit here w/ a forearm which for some reason today is fucking aching since teh shot, i think in the negative light and knowing what i did was wrong and i did not get anything good to come from it.

 

[herbavore]

If you can try to take a larger view, maybe you did get something good from it. You learned how much it still has hold of you, the lengths you are willing to go "in the moment" to get it and just what a formidable enemy you are fighting. In other words, you got good information! Don't worry about right or wrong--just healthy and self-affirming vs unhealthy and self-destructive. Society puts a lot of moral crap on drugs and gives lots of other self-destructive addictions a free pass--you don't need to buy into it and feel that shame. The remorse you feel is useful, though. Use that to pick yourself up and go forward. And get your arm checked out--that worries me!

 

[luckygirl79]

Well put, herbavore. I have a similar story. 10 years clean off H and methadone. I relapsed a year ago... Just got 6 weeks back. I did the same with getting some clean time, getting high, getting a day or 2, getting high again. You are motivated and moving in the right direction. I look at opiates as this evil thing because it feels so good in the moment or moments before, the excitement of coping and the euphoria of using it. Then it slowly tightens it's grip on your throat and all of a sudden you can't breathe without it. It becomes your #1. You wind up living in a shadow of your former life. You get disconnected from your source of true self. That's ALWAYS the end story for a former junky. I can not be another way. I pray my way out of caving to the craving. I smoke a bowl. (Yeah yeah yeah, a drug is a drug. Well that bullshit to me.) everytime I smoke pot when I have a craving, I see my life for what it is now. Amazing. Beautiful. Full of potential. I'm overwhelmed by my progress and feel a true and fulfilling sense of gratitude unlike any other, save for the day my babies were born or my wedding day. Being clean is that fucking good. Better than the few hours of opiate imposed euphoria. And that euphoria (which for me is never as great as it was in my mind before using) gets followed by the days of negative feelings it can bring. Fuck that devil. Seriously. I hate it and won't let it rob from me again.

 

[T. Calderone]

^ Well done, luckygirl. It does feel amazing doesn't it? @BostonBrown, you havn't posted in a couple days. Hope you're doing okay. You had mentioned in your other thread getting on naltrexone this week coming up. Will they let you have a monthly injection or do you have to take pills every day?

I didn't like the suboxone either. My psych doctor gave that to me when I was trying to quit oxycodone but maybe I expected too much from it. Subs helped me not to feel sick but I still had mad cravings. Is your arm better? Keep updating and let us know how it's going for you!

 

[Jabberwocky]

im good, T. still TRYING even tho i used methadone just yesterday to overcome the withdrawals. i am HOPING the dr. still is willing to give me the naltrexone even after recent use. i honestly and truly want to get off but these withdrawals w/ no sleeping, sweating, mind racing just kills me. the done helped a ton and got rid of my cravings, sweating, etc, but i def. didnt get high/jammed off it, which makes me happy.. but at the same time makes me sad that i "used". id never do methadone as a recovery method because i read how bad the withdrawals are.. and also, i could never hit the clinic that early.. i love sleeping too much, ha. last 1-2 months have been so on and off, with my longest recovery being 7-8 days but still feeling depressed/miserable even at day 8. as just mentioned, hoping dr. helps w/ the naltrexone to ease my mind. id even take subox again since i truly and honestly WANT TO QUIT but as mentioned, subox never helped before. just saved me a days worth fo $$ before using again. but then again, i did such a low dose of subox considering my tolerance for H.. and this was only to kill time and make it limited before i can use again. sad, huh? using subox just to kill time and save $$ but every intention of using as soon as possible/affordable. my habit was just too much money and blew everything and then some. even got into such debt that i am thinking bankruptcy since i havent paid a credit card in over 2 months. shocked i can still afford/pay rent.

thanks for the hlep/advice. i need all help/advice i can get at this point in recovery. truly trying/wanting to get sober but the struggle is just a problem. i want to, tho. thats why i am now in an outpatient program and have my dr. appointment tuesday for my treatment program.

 

[Ozekat]

I am glad to hear all the positive affirmation that boston is getting, it has also helped me tremendously right here on SL. And of course I am still struggling with "guilt" but the reality of it all is in many cases our world views drugs partially or in a light that is shaded in some way other than the true reality....be it romantisizing drugs or demonizing....it is unfortunate it seems this western polar opposites light/dark approach has painted the entire world this way.....except in other countries they treat addicts better than in the US it seems.

And luckygirl anyone can tell you weed is not as bad as a dope/strong opiate habit. At least it isn't to you and that is all that matters in the end, not someone else's opinion.....although I have been thinking lately full abstinence sounds very alluring but if it takes a bowl to cope that is much more manageable than scoring opies imo........besides it seems the consensus opinion on MJ is changing rapidly in our world, need I remind everyone that it hasn't killed anyone EVER and that it is medicine in small quantities..... I think the trick with MJ is the small quantities part, honestly because cronic heavy usage always ends up making one quite lazy (most people) and the laziness is definitely detrimental if it is used that way everyday.

 

[Jabberwocky]

been 8 days now but have also been subscribed suboxone at 16MG a day. it's working and working great. i have no urge, no nothing.. although it seems to be a heavy dose there is NO FEELINGS at all and has been working. i plan on going w/ a 12 month recovery program and have even entered an out patient rehab which starts up on Monday right here in Boston! I am HOPING ALL WORKS OUT WELL! I am confident and feel great considering it's been 8 days since my last use! suboxone or not, I dont care, because I finally feel good.. confident.. and able to move forward/around w/o the thoughts/ideas running through my head. This is my first time being on a subox program rather than buying on the street and trying to detox myself. must easier going through the doc to get these, paying much less, and having them give me the drug tests weekly to make sure all is well and good.

Let's hope for the best! I can actually say I feel good.