New song, let me know what you think

[oakleys09]

Alright, this song is about a guy and a girl and the act of sex, let me know what you all think

Feel so locked in tonight
My head begins to fight
My heart begeins to race
She wants this at slow pace

Never done this ever before
What should I be looking for
Her face, her hair, her looks
The way she carries her books

We've waited and waited
For so much time
Is this act overrated?
Just want her to feel fine

Anna please take my hand tonight
And I'll make you feel alright
This bed, this couch, these sheets
Our love is all we need

After this I can't promise
How much money I'll get
This guitar is all I have
This road of fame, I'll find it

 

[Golden]

Okey, i will give you my honest feedback on this one since you asked for it.

I dont really feel there was anything special about these lyrics. They werent deep and lack'ed imagination. It would have been nice if you had added more metaphores to it, maybe.

When it comes to the technical aspects about the rhyme, i could see how you had formed your scheme. A simplistic but a classic theme. When i took a deeper look into it, you did an mistake on the last verse.

After this I can't promise
How much money I'll get
This guitar is all I have
This road of fame, I'll find it

''I'll get it'' dont rhyme on ''Ill find it''. And the last line itself dont really get along with the rest of it even though i understood how you thought when you where writing it.

Overall it was an okey rhyme.. I guess this is one of your first? Anyways, keep on making rhymes! =)

 

[oakleys09]

it's an older song I had written, I've got notebooks full. Appreciate the honest opinion, the text doesn't do it justice, the flow and guitar really change the song

 

[Golden]

''the flow and guitar really change the song''

Sounds cool, why dont you upload it along with the text? Sound is also a part of making emotion to the lyrics, as you say. It would be really cool to see the whole picture of how you thought it should be

While your at it, why dont you add one of your more recent texts? %) Its always cool to see ''before and after''.
But theres no pressure, do as you feel like Its impressive with people that makes their own lyrics to the music they perform, along with their favourite instrument.

Keep doing your thing! :D

 

[oakleys09]

I would upload a recording but a) I haven't recorded anything, and b) I don't really have the means to record anything that sounds of quality, here's a more recent one, although unfinished

No worries cloud my mind
No thoughts to bring me down
Wish it wouldn't stop
This feeling I've found
As the sun reaches low
And the sky becomes dark
I'm left with an afterglow
Ready for a new start

Everytime I'm falling
And I'm living in hell
I think back to that day
And how happy I felt

See I'm writing this song
Hoping that you'll see
There's more to this life
Than what's infront of me
So when the world turns its back
And you feel all alone
Find what makes you happy
You're not on your own