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  • LAVA Moderator: Shinji Ikari

New school year, new roommates, do they need to know I'm gay?

Ok, I've discussed this with some people...it seems the straight people would like to know beforehand. The gay people would rather I tell 'em after I move in. Frankly, I'm uncomfortable doing either...

I'm thinking of sending an email to introduce myself and then ask if any of them are gay and wait to see what their responses are.
 
i think you should wait until you get to know them, otherwise they will be more likely to jump to naive conclusions about you. by waiting, they will get an idea (and hopefully an appreciation) of your person as a whole rather than just one aspect, like sexual orientation.
 
if you're still unsure and in a transition, then don't do it.


fuck it


you don't kinow how they'll react and i may make your
coming out process all the more difficult.



fuck 'em... since you won't be bringing
home tricks, trade, and a plethora of
faggotry to the room then don't worry about it...


but as you grow more comfortable, then you should
eventually tell them so that you can make sure they
are ok with say bringing massive gay friends there
or even the occassional date or three.


make sense?
 
Just chill out about it - I think you're stressing yourself needlessly. I'd personally wait until at least shortly after meeting them. As has been said, telling them beforehand *makes* it an issue, and I'm sure that's not the best situation... And it gives them time to make all sorts of prejudgments about you.

And to be frank, why is it you *have* to tell them? I don't make people tell me that they're heterosexual or bisexual... I mean, i understand where you're coming from - enough people think homosexuality is weird or wrong to make it an issue, but still... Just try not to put so much stock in it. You're a person just like everyone else. Who you fuck doesn't change who you are.
 
I'd take kitty's advice and just ignore it unless you plan on actually bringing a guy back to your room, in which case it might be deemed prudent to warn your room mate first.
 
I think by telling him/them beforehand you're already making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Tell them when you feel comfortable telling them. I'd suggest not waiting too long once you move in, but really it's up to you.
 
AmberBock said:
Stupid mistake...I missed a deadline therefore forfeiting my space. Divine intervention perhaps???
Click to expand...


hahaha


mayhaps.




just remember, in this time in your life, you have to
be really selfish.... no one's "comfort level" is more
important than you being ok and comfortable in
each and every stage of your coming out process...

but once you're comfortable and stable, then you have
to start considering other folk's feelings...


stay safe!
 
Well now that I'm back on bluelight after a months break I feel that I should definitely add my opinion to this matter :)

While I lived on campus (for 4 years) I didn't really come out to anyone there... I lived at an all male college, and it was the first time that I had lived in an all male environment.

As it stands, I'm a very open person, and all my friends now, and all the people that matter to me know about my sexuality, but the thing is, you don't have to come out to anyone that you don't feel comfortable to, and as has been stated previously, coming out definitely isn't a one time thing, its unfortunately a life time thing... you always have to make the decision to tell or not to every new group of people that you meet... personally at this stage of my life I don't care what others think, although while at uni I did for my college mates, especially as we had open showers...

But hey, you can make it as much of an issue as you want, you can tell people if you feel comfortable, you can not tell people if you feel that would be better for YOU. The thing is, you have to live there, and you want the experience to be as comfortable as it can be, and there are always going to be people who you don't want to tell due to their immaturity or homophobia etc. so basically, you need to be comfortable living where you are. If people don't know, then they can live in oblivious delerium. You should ALWAYS get to choose when you come out to whoever, and it is your comfort that is the priority.

Honesty is always a good thing, but the ability to be honest about your sexuality with everyone is an ability that grows over time as you become more comfortable with yourself. Coming out is an annoying continual process that you will have to take, but you should take it at your own pace.

As I always say, I am a PERSON, not a homosexual. I am not someone's concept of who I sleep with, I am ME, I will never be anyone else but me, and I am happy being ME :) Other people who are uncomfortable with ME being ME have a problem, I don't.

Be comfortable being yourself. Don't feel the need to divulge your potential sexuality on others if you aren't comfortable with yourself.

Your feelings in this matter are the most important. You need to be comfortable, otherwise the whole enterprise is doomed to failure/hatred/annoying useless people...

If you want to have a chat about anything, please don't hesitate to PM me :)

CB :)
 
perhaps useless quip:

I'm currently looking for housing in berkeley, ca and have failed, thus far, to disclose that I'm straight. :)
Frankly, it wouldn't make a difference if my roomate were gay, and I wouldn't hold it against him or her if he or she didn't wanna come-out to me.

ebola
 
I'd like to know how it goes.

As others have mentioned, I would wait to tell anyone you feel less than comfortable with. I'm also a big fan of the "don't ask, don't tell" mantra.

I think junglejuice summed it up effectively:

I'd wait to tell em until you know em a bit.

Otherwise you are just "The Gay Dude" who will be sharing their space. They will probably expect John Waters to waltz in their door, carrying a little dog with manservants carrying matching luggage.

If you get to know em first, you'll be" _____, the guy who is cool, and knows a lot about _______. Oh and he's gay."
Click to expand...
 
^^^i am inclined to agree, however, i personally feel that you shouldn't have to at all , its not like straight people are obligated to tell their roomies they are straight so why should it be any different for gay people? because most people aren't gay? no.
its funny how some people look at it as this vice like a roomate that smokes weed or something

however, despite what i just said, i would still tell them because eventually they will figure it out, because i am sure that the straight roomate would start up a conversation about girls eventually and so it would probably suck to have to pretend all the time, plus alot of people are just not cool with gay people, atleast thats what i understand; it would suck to be stuck with a roomate that makes you feel like you can't be yourself, so tell him, but make sure people don't identify you based on your sexual orientation but rather for who you are, thus don't tell him right of the bat
 
First of all, I think it's a bit sad that many otherwise open minded people think bringing a date home is somehow crossing a line that requires further discluse beforehand. He's a person, he has a sex life, most of us do.

Anyway, I think you should get to know them at least a littlebit before you come out and tell them. Like has already been said, an e-mail from someone you've never met telling you they are gay makes it an issue from the getgo.

It shouldn't really matter to anyone who you sleep with, although in reality it clearly does to some, but going along with that bullshit has a tendency to justify or even trigger it. Don't wait long to at least drop hints, but don't pre-empt before you even meet the guys. You'll always be "the gay guy" if your first contact is on that basis.

--- G.
 
UPDATE

Well, my roommate arrived on Friday around 3 pm. He's an Asian kid (Freshman, 18 yo) and he seems cool...a nice guy. I don't think I'm going to tell him. I choose comfort. Like I said, I'm not comfortable with telling anyone. So... thats it.
 
Something weird totally happened. I was asleep, it was in the morning. I heard my roommate get up getting dressed, I dozed back off. After, I dunno few mins/coupla secs, I opened my eyes. I saw my roommate naked standing at the closet facing me watching me sleep. It kinda creeped me out, I just rolled over. I feel really weird about him now.

Now there could be an explanation for this. He could have been changing and I just happened to open my eyes at that exact moment. BUT, I change in the bathroom therefore he could have gone in there. OR yah he changes by "our" closet but if it was me, I would be facing away from my roommate so only my backside showed. AND if I was to face my roommate while changing, I would not stare at him while he's sleeping. IN addition, I would not get totally naked while changing, but change piece by piece.

Ok so he's an asian kid, just turned 19. Kinda cute, but I don't throw that gay shit all over the place, thats not me. His girlfriend came down for his birthday last week.

Thoughts???????
 
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