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New school year, new roommates, do they need to know I'm gay?

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AmberBock

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[UPDATE] New school year, new roommates, do they need to know I'm gay?

Another school year is coming up and I'm attending a new school. I got on campus housing and my roommate assignment just came in the mail today.

Do you think its wise that I email them beforehand to let them know I'm a pole smoker? I'm kinda upprehensive about this...i'd rather no one know. But as a friend pointed out, everyone needs their own comfort level and shit might hit the ceiling fan when they find out.

Its not obvious that I'm gay but they will find out when living with me for several months. Would any of you straight guys like to know if your potenta roommate is gay?

How should I break it to them?
 
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I'd want to know that my roommate is gay, I don't have any problems with gay people at all.....but I'd like to know.

I'd email him and tell him some stuff about you, let him know you're gay, and that you aren't going to come onto him or anything like that.

I'm sure you'll be able to work something out with him. If not...it's better for the shit to hit the fan now, than it would be for it to happen in the middle of the semester when you have a lot of studying to do.

It isn't just for him to know you're gay....it's also for you to know how he feels about gay people. I really doubt you'd want to room with a guy that hates gay people.
 
Incidently, what would you do if you found out you were living with a gay guy about half way thru the semester?

In the past, I've never had a roommate...this is a first.
 
hmmm... i wouldn't have a problem with it personally, but finding out something that major halfway though would be upsetting/unsettling. hiding stuff is no good.

if you're up-front and the roommate has a problem it could be dealt with before you're living together, you can come to an understanding of sorts... or you could find out that the roommate is cool and there's no problem. finding out that the roommate has a serious problem when you're already cohabitating could be a pretty heavy situation.
 
better to come clean and get it out of the way early on, that way you can avoid weirdness or confrontation. It also gives you (and your roommates) a better opportunity to get reassigned if there are problems.
 
Calm like the Bomb said:
IMHO changing in front of a gay guy in the locker room is like having a guy in the girls locker room. It makes people uncomfortable IMHO.
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assuming you're actually cute enough for a gay guy to even WANT to look at you.... ;) str8 boys like to assume a gay guy wants to look at 'em... ;)

we had pre-semester orientation for incoming freshmen
in my first foray into Uni life... i ended up bunking with this dude and we hit it off really well.... he asked if we could go to housing together and request each other as roommates ... i said "sure, but you better know -- i'm gay" and he was totally cool with it...

but yeah..... this is gonna be your place of LIVING
for at least a year... you'd want it to be as COMFORTABLE as possible for you ... that usually means not hiding shit... unless, of course, you're not out... then that's a whole different ballgame. So, before we continue, i think dbighead2's question needs to be addressed.... b-c if you're in the closet, my advice actually might make things LESS comfortable for you and not more.
 
are you openly gay or are you still "in the closet" ?
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Um...ok. I guess you could say I'm in a transition stage. I still prefer that people don't know I'm gay. I'm still struggling internally at self-acceptance and i'm quite simply not ready to deal with other peoples BS until i'm comfortable with myself. I was outed NOT by choice...and now things are just that much more harder to deal with.

Am I openly gay....no.
Am I still in the closet....sort of

Am I making sense here????

As far as letting my new roommates know...I'm extremely anxious at actually writing the email (I didn't send it yet, I hesitate when it comes to pushing the "send" button) and I'm terrified of their potential reaction.
 
^that's why I asked.

There is a chance he could tell everyone if you tell him.

So if you're not opnely gay yet, you may want to hide it from him.....and just leave him thinking.....my roommate is kinda gay, but so are so many other kids these days.

Unless you're going to do something like bring dudes over....you might as well keep it to yourself and just leave him wondering.

Have you seen a picture of him/has he seen one of you yet?

If not.....he just has a name, and there is a chance he'll never see you again if he dislikes gay people.....if he is accepting.....then move in with him and be happy.

I'm really sorry you have to put up with this stuff man. I'm quite accepting of gay people, I'm just sorry more people aren't. :\
 
I guess I shoulda mentioned that my housing is actually apartments that the uni owns. 2 bedroom = 4 people. So I actually gotta put up with 3 other dudes.
 
What about the option of telling them in person when you meet them? That kind of prevents them from having all this time before they meet you to come up with preconceived notions of how you might act or look, etc. It also allows you to feel out the situation and get a better idea of their reactions.
 
I'd wait to tell em until you know em a bit.

Otherwise you are just "The Gay Dude" who will be sharing their space. They will probably expect John Waters to waltz in their door, carrying a little dog with manservants carrying matching luggage.

If you get to know em first, you'll be" _____, the guy who is cool, and knows a lot about _______. Oh and he's gay."
 
yeah, i'd wait a little bit.. or atleast talk to them and try and get to know them a little before you just come out and say your gay. Even though they might be accepting it is still a better idea to let them know you a little bit before you tell them so they dont come up with crazy ideas about you like someone else said.
 
Someone who has experienced this

I have experienced this for the three years i lived on campus...
I lived on campus for three years and had five roommates. out of the five roommates i had i actually told them after living with them for like a week or so and they freaked and moved out.. the other three i waited to tell because i could see a possible friendship in the other three.... But just out of respect for yourself and them get to know them becase they may have some problems with homosexuality, but after they get to know you they will be ok with living with you. I had that experience before, i lived with a guy who was rather religious, but because he got to know me as a person he did not feel uncomfortable or try to demean me because of my sexuality, and to this day we have been rather good friends.
But you should just feel the vibes in the air and go with your feelings inside and you will know what to do.

One thing that you should remember is that coming out is a not just a one time experience it is a life time event that could possibly have everyday. i would be very interested in knowing how everything went keep me posted...

pm me if you have any question or ideas or just need someone to vent to.. i worked with people like that everyday since i have been at college, helping people with roomate situations, but more with those who are gay.
later
Brandon
 
from the potential roommate's POV

My roommate junior year was a lesbian. I found out when she brought over this "perfect person... cute and funny and hot!" and that person was another girl. She was too nervous to just come out to me :(

I guess I saw it coming. Steph didn't give off the typical vibes for a girl at my school. Maybe that's why I loved having her as my roommate!

Her girlfriend stayed over all the time, I never had a problem with it... one of the funniest things that happened junior year was when my boyfriend slept over, and (not realizing they were in the room) he rolled over before falling asleep and asked me "Why do I like sleeping here so much?" A blonde head surfaced from the blankets on the other bed, and my roommate's girlfriend goes "It's the lesbians" in a total matter-of-fact voice. We all cracked up, and ended up staying up half the night laughing and chatting.

My rambling point is, as long as you're a cool roommate, with no offensive personal habits, you should be fine. (I'm going under the assumption that you filled out that quedstionairre and got matched to a roommate because of it, so you should have some things in common to build a friendship off of.)

I got to know my roommate as a person before I even thought about her sexual orientation, and it never really mattered to me. There were some awkward moments (before we worked out a signal for "i'm in here having sex, go to the library"), but all three of us ended up living together senior year, and we're now living down the hall from each other at yet another apartment complex.

My advice is to meet your new roommate (do you have orientation or anything?) and kinda scope them out. I would have been a little taken aback if I had gotten an email stating that my roommate was gay... It would have made her seem more like a category of sexuality and less like a person before we even met. It might be easier to assimilate that info on sexuality into perceptions of someone, than assimilate thier personality into a preconcieved notion of "My Gay Roommate."
 
My first roommate, I never told. I just lived my life absolutely without hiding anything and assumed he would pick up on it. He did. It was very easy and comfortable because, in the same way he never told me he was straight but we still talked about his girlfriend, I never told him I was gay he and talked about my boyfriend. He was actually quite homophobic, but because I treated my sexuality as a non-issue, so did he.

I came out to my second roommate before I met him through email. I wish I hadn't.. Because I treated it like there might be a problem, we had to make "compromises". I don't like compromises, especially when it's all one-sided (compromises of sexuality are /always/ one-sided because there /wouldn't be a problem/ if it weren't for the straight guy). anyway, that's my piece
 
Well...I'm female but I don't think gender really matters in this case. I am not sure how i would feel about a lesiban room mate....it wouldn't matter to me at all unless she wanted to have other girls spend the night and have sex or whatever.

It is hard to know how long you should wait before you tell them. Email is probably a bad idea, but I don't know that it is a good idea to wait several weeks either. I think I would be upset to find out my roomate was gay after changing in front of them and whatnot. It would be like changing in front of a guy friend. Generally speaking I'm not comfortable with that.

If you give off a "gay vibe" then you probably don't need to tell them at all. But if you are doing a good job at hiding it then you should.

Maybe when you first move in you should drop hints if you think you will have a hard time straight out telling them.
 
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