New member wanting BL feedback on how to heal relationships with kids

[jhess3993]

I had a long, horrible drug career. One in which I made the sickening choice to follow men (and the dope they provided) over my kids.

In their young childhood I was an ideal mother, taught Sunday school, children's choir, worked full time, kept a cleqn house, exercised, was married to a very difficult individual.


All of this sounds like a pile of excuses. I mention this only to let people know i am not just some monster. My kids dad knocked someone up that was 14 year yoinger than me, and from that moment on, my life tanked in a major way. In no way was I perfect. Im not saying that. But I worshipped him and that event crucified me. Within 5 years i lost my family, my nursing license, and everything that ever meant anything to me, due to a drug addiction. It was 11 years ago since he left me, 6 years ago since i lost my license, and mire than a year ago since i completely left the street behind. I had to move away to accomplish this. I cannot live down there, where my son still lives. One more year down there and i would have been dead.

Omg there is so much more to this story than what I am conveying at the moment. What I want to know is, what can I do to win back my kid's love? I have left everything bad out there behind, but sometimes it feels like they hate me. I wanted to die for so many years. Their dad has money and i have nothing, other than my love for them. So how can i rectify anything? What can I do about their hatred towards me?

Last night I had a dream my son was 5 years old and I sat with him and put his hands together and we said a prayer. Only to answer a rare messenger text essentially telling me how great his dad was and how much i suck. It IS MUCH more comolicated than that. But his dad has money which equates to stability (despite the fact that his substance abuse issies have been as bad as mine, including 4 duis in less than a decade, one with a baby in the car). But i will not voice this stuff to my kid. It sounds like an excuse for my own shortcomings. But I always get the feeling that his dad speaks hate to him regarding me . I know he does.

Anyway. I hope my son forguves my shortcomings someday. I live near my ailing parents niw. A half a block away. At least i have family in that capacity. But i miss my kids.

 

[SunriseChampion]

Don't take this the wrong way, but I kinda wish I had gone to sleep before reading this. It's pretty heavy.

I'm sorry that you've lost touch with your kids. I can't even imagine what that feels like for a mother. How many kids do you have? Are none of them having you?

I'm assuming you've worked past your substance use/abuse issues. Do your kids know this?

 

[jhess3993]

I still drink too much. But given that I used to shoot dope and speedball (meth/oxy was my fave), I feel like I have overcome A LOT. I know i need to stop drinking too. But the street life I am done with. Forever. I have been for a long time now. A year and a half or more. Yes, I remain in contact with my kids, but it's so sporadic. Tonight i got a huge guilt trip from my son. When i was on the street and out of my head the world (meaning my kids and their dad) wanted me to move six hours north near my parents to get away from that area, in a bid to save my life. I did just that, more than a year ago, and my life has changed inctedibly for the better. I've had the same job since I moved here last April and I live within one half to one mile of both of my parents. Which is great because they are old with serious health issues. Anyhow, within six months of my moving up here and turning my life around, I started getting the guilt trips and hateful texts from their dad. Who doesn't remember he begged me to come up here. Then my son started in with that shit. My son is 18 and my daughter is 22. She moved out three years ago.

But for me to get treated lile shit when I'm trying to do everything right is painful. Yes, I know I deserve it. But I dont know what else to do except constantly reach out to these kids and tell them i love them? I'm working on pieces of art for them. I've been working on my daughter's for a year and a half. When that is done i will make my son a quilt. I pray a lot. I don't know what else to do. I hope they forgive me someday.

 

[MsDiz]

Hey, I’m really happy you’ve moved and got parts of your addiction under control. The next step is the drinking. Really, try to make that a priority when you’ve stabilised a bit.

I’ll explain my own issues with my mother and why I feel the way I do about her.
My mother was an alcoholic, she was a single mother as my father lived in England. She started abusing alcohol when I was 8, started sneaking out of our house and leaving me alone at night. This was back before mobile phones, I’m 35 now. She used to bring back random dudes from the bars she went to who I then told to get out. She hid drink, she verbally abused me, she was violent towards me, she picked them men who gave her drink over me. This went on for years and I was loyal to her, I never once thought to tell an authority figure. She then started with the overdosing when drunk, obviously because she felt bad. The first few times devastated me but after that they didn’t because I killed her off in my head. I let her die to protect myself, I grieved for her even when she was still alive because I knew she would do it again. I moved out when I was 21. There is lots more to the story like how I was a young carer for my grandmother and took on everything because my mother was way too drunk to do it.
My mother stopped drinking although she’s recently started up again but she stopped for a while. The reason we never got close again is because she thought she could jump right into this mother daughter relationship like nothing happened. She still thinks this and no matter how many times I tell her we have to start from the ground up she doesn’t get it. That’s why we are at loggerheads and why I don’t have a good relationship with her. Plus her drinking now is like a kick in the gut, it shows me she has no thought for what she put me through as a child and it angers me. I have a son, her grandchild and I’ll be damned if I let him into her life for her to let him down the same way she did me.

Your kids need to see you stable, they need to know you’re doing your best but also you shouldn’t be too overbearing with them. You’ve got to start from the ground up, that’s hard for a mother, it’s hard to act like a stranger to your children and build a relationship but that’s what you need to do. You need to start small, write them a letter with your feelings, don’t use the excuses! That’s the worst, admit your faults, admit you fucked up, don’t put their father down even though he was a shit, let them know you’re working to sort your life out and that youd like to have a relationship with them. Most of all let them know that you’re willing to build a relationship on their terms and can do that as slowly as they need. It takes time to build trust when you’ve lost it and until you quit the drinking they probably will feel a bit vexed still. Get your life back on track, let the proof be in the pudding, they will see you try and they will see when you’re doing much better that you mean what you say.
They will forgive you eventually. Go at their speed. It doesn’t matter what their father tells them because adult kids will know through their own experience in life that things aren’t always simple and easy. It might take a while so you need to prepare for that.
You’re doing amazing though, you’ve already started on the road to recovery and that must have been really hard. They will see that. You just need to keep going, keep working on yourself and your life. You’ll get there. It’ll be hard and slow but it’ll be worth it.

I wish you all the best, I know you feel bad about it and I know it’s hard for a mother to not be connected to her children but you need to persevere. X

 

[JessFR]

I haven't been in your exact situation. But similar to you I spent quite a long time on the streets spending all day every day trying to score heroin and fucking over everybody I cared about in the process.

A couple years ago I'd finally had enough, I got on a methadone program, moved interstate and started over.

I've tried very hard to make amends for what I've done. Unfortunately, it takes a long time to repair that kind of damage. Sometimes it can't entirely be repaired.

And even when it can, it can take a long time before other people have had enough time to see that you're really trying. That you're not just as likely to run off and hurt them again. That they can actually start to trust anything you say again.

They may have a lot of baggage of their own that they need to work past from how you've treated them in the past. And that may involve having to accept that they may need to get some of what they've gone through because of you off their chest. Even though it can be hard to hear.

All I can recommend, is to be patient. Do everything you can to explain that you're sorry, that you love them, that you accept that the things you did were horribly bad (I don't know what specifically you have done, but I had done some really horrible stuff). And that you acknowledge your fault in it.

That although you can't change your past, you're going to keep trying to make amends in whatever way you can for your mistakes.

Unfortunately, it may just take a lot of time and patience and effort. You can't make it happen any faster. You need to go at their pace in rebuilding the relationship.

I've been off heroin 2 and a half years, and I still haven't been able to repair all the damage I did to my loved ones. Things have definitely improved, but if you were like me, it make take a lot of time for people to start to accept that you know and accept and are sorry for how you hurt them.

Good luck. I know it hurts a lot to have hurt the people you love. And I know it hurts a lot to see how much distance you've created between you and them because of it.

 

[Shady's Fox]

Can we move this to LAVA or where?

Maybe Mental Health?

 

[JessFR]

Can we move this to LAVA or where?

Maybe Mental Health?

Seems like a good idea. Health and recovery or the dark side might be good choices too.

Since it's recovery specific, LAVA might not be the best place.

 

[SunriseChampion]

Ok, this might seem like a really tough idea to consider, but maybe you should temporarily forget about your kids and concentrate on fully recovering and on improving your health and wellbeing to a point where you're fully well and maybe reconnect with your kids then. They may be more willing to accept your overtures at that point.

I'm sorry, I've never experienced something like this with anyone I know.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

@jhess3993
Hi, welcome to BL.
Sad to hear it seems the world has fallen apart but it hasn't... it is our perspective. Has there been anything learned? Is there any positive outcome from al the grief of the whole situation?
Personally I have a deep seated distrust of my mom and hate to say it but do not care if i ever talk to her again. Long story but there is abuse, neglect, abandonment and worse to go on about.
Guess what I am saying is that some things cannot be "fixed". This is a *reality. Could go on to say all is going to be peaches and cream but that seems to be cliche and not true in some cases. There is something valuable there to be gleaned but what it is is personal to you.
As with all just hoping for the best and expect the worst.
Stick around a while... we just grow off each other and one day will be the hive of highs. hhaha
Always,
P

 

[jose ribas da silva]

I dont know what else to do except constantly reach out to these kids and tell them i love them? I'm working on pieces of art for them. I've been working on my daughter's for a year and a half. When that is done i will make my son a quilt. I pray a lot. I don't know what else to do. I hope they forgive me someday.

Yes that's the answer, they have anger, so they need to release it firstly to be able to love again. it is too much for them to support. They will offend you, they will say horrible things to you, but one day, after the release of the anger, they will change their tune but it will be hard to you to bear with that anger. I suggest you: don't take the comments personally, it is anger that needs to be released

 

[jose ribas da silva]

just think that you have lost some years in their lives, things will not gonna change overnight, it is going to be a very slow and progressive process, sometimes very painful, but it is going to be necessary to prove to your kids that you love them, and prove this, repeatedly, during years in order to compensate the years of absence and finally rebuild the desired confidence

 

[jhess3993]

Hey, I’m really happy you’ve moved and got parts of your addiction under control. The next step is the drinking. Really, try to make that a priority when you’ve stabilised a bit.

I’ll explain my own issues with my mother and why I feel the way I do about her.
My mother was an alcoholic, she was a single mother as my father lived in England. She started abusing alcohol when I was 8, started sneaking out of our house and leaving me alone at night. This was back before mobile phones, I’m 35 now. She used to bring back random dudes from the bars she went to who I then told to get out. She hid drink, she verbally abused me, she was violent towards me, she picked them men who gave her drink over me. This went on for years and I was loyal to her, I never once thought to tell an authority figure. She then started with the overdosing when drunk, obviously because she felt bad. The first few times devastated me but after that they didn’t because I killed her off in my head. I let her die to protect myself, I grieved for her even when she was still alive because I knew she would do it again. I moved out when I was 21. There is lots more to the story like how I was a young carer for my grandmother and took on everything because my mother was way too drunk to do it.
My mother stopped drinking although she’s recently started up again but she stopped for a while. The reason we never got close again is because she thought she could jump right into this mother daughter relationship like nothing happened. She still thinks this and no matter how many times I tell her we have to start from the ground up she doesn’t get it. That’s why we are at loggerheads and why I don’t have a good relationship with her. Plus her drinking now is like a kick in the gut, it shows me she has no thought for what she put me through as a child and it angers me. I have a son, her grandchild and I’ll be damned if I let him into her life for her to let him down the same way she did me.

Your kids need to see you stable, they need to know you’re doing your best but also you shouldn’t be too overbearing with them. You’ve got to start from the ground up, that’s hard for a mother, it’s hard to act like a stranger to your children and build a relationship but that’s what you need to do. You need to start small, write them a letter with your feelings, don’t use the excuses! That’s the worst, admit your faults, admit you fucked up, don’t put their father down even though he was a shit, let them know you’re working to sort your life out and that youd like to have a relationship with them. Most of all let them know that you’re willing to build a relationship on their terms and can do that as slowly as they need. It takes time to build trust when you’ve lost it and until you quit the drinking they probably will feel a bit vexed still. Get your life back on track, let the proof be in the pudding, they will see you try and they will see when you’re doing much better that you mean what you say.
They will forgive you eventually. Go at their speed. It doesn’t matter what their father tells them because adult kids will know through their own experience in life that things aren’t always simple and easy. It might take a while so you need to prepare for that.
You’re doing amazing though, you’ve already started on the road to recovery and that must have been really hard. They will see that. You just need to keep going, keep working on yourself and your life. You’ll get there. It’ll be hard and slow but it’ll be worth it.

I wish you all the best, I know you feel bad about it and I know it’s hard for a mother to not be connected to her children but you need to persevere. X

Thank you so much for this response.

 

[jhess3993]

Hey, I’m really happy you’ve moved and got parts of your addiction under control. The next step is the drinking. Really, try to make that a priority when you’ve stabilised a bit.

I’ll explain my own issues with my mother and why I feel the way I do about her.
My mother was an alcoholic, she was a single mother as my father lived in England. She started abusing alcohol when I was 8, started sneaking out of our house and leaving me alone at night. This was back before mobile phones, I’m 35 now. She used to bring back random dudes from the bars she went to who I then told to get out. She hid drink, she verbally abused me, she was violent towards me, she picked them men who gave her drink over me. This went on for years and I was loyal to her, I never once thought to tell an authority figure. She then started with the overdosing when drunk, obviously because she felt bad. The first few times devastated me but after that they didn’t because I killed her off in my head. I let her die to protect myself, I grieved for her even when she was still alive because I knew she would do it again. I moved out when I was 21. There is lots more to the story like how I was a young carer for my grandmother and took on everything because my mother was way too drunk to do it.
My mother stopped drinking although she’s recently started up again but she stopped for a while. The reason we never got close again is because she thought she could jump right into this mother daughter relationship like nothing happened. She still thinks this and no matter how many times I tell her we have to start from the ground up she doesn’t get it. That’s why we are at loggerheads and why I don’t have a good relationship with her. Plus her drinking now is like a kick in the gut, it shows me she has no thought for what she put me through as a child and it angers me. I have a son, her grandchild and I’ll be damned if I let him into her life for her to let him down the same way she did me.

Your kids need to see you stable, they need to know you’re doing your best but also you shouldn’t be too overbearing with them. You’ve got to start from the ground up, that’s hard for a mother, it’s hard to act like a stranger to your children and build a relationship but that’s what you need to do. You need to start small, write them a letter with your feelings, don’t use the excuses! That’s the worst, admit your faults, admit you fucked up, don’t put their father down even though he was a shit, let them know you’re working to sort your life out and that youd like to have a relationship with them. Most of all let them know that you’re willing to build a relationship on their terms and can do that as slowly as they need. It takes time to build trust when you’ve lost it and until you quit the drinking they probably will feel a bit vexed still. Get your life back on track, let the proof be in the pudding, they will see you try and they will see when you’re doing much better that you mean what you say.
They will forgive you eventually. Go at their speed. It doesn’t matter what their father tells them because adult kids will know through their own experience in life that things aren’t always simple and easy. It might take a while so you need to prepare for that.
You’re doing amazing though, you’ve already started on the road to recovery and that must have been really hard. They will see that. You just need to keep going, keep working on yourself and your life. You’ll get there. It’ll be hard and slow but it’ll be worth it.

I wish you all the best, I know you feel bad about it and I know it’s hard for a mother to not be connected to her children but you need to persevere. X

I really appreciated this response

 

[Jabberwocky]

i am not in your situation, but the other way round, a child trying to get back the trust of their parents. one thing that really hit me in rehab was a support worker telling me (this is cheesy but it makes sense to me) that trust is line a plate, once you smash it and stick it back together, its fragile. every time you break it you smash it again. over the course of my addiction i broke my parents trust countless times. it will not always be fragile but the only thing we can do is give it time. apparently it takes about 2 years. i'm 18 months clean and the improvements have been huge. all i could do was keep doing the right thing to the best of my ability. give it time, and work on yourself. are you in therapy? i'd also suggest minimising contact with your children's dad, the guilt and shame he is provoking in you put you at risk of relapse.

 

[jhess3993]

Hey, I’m really happy you’ve moved and got parts of your addiction under control. The next step is the drinking. Really, try to make that a priority when you’ve stabilised a bit.

I’ll explain my own issues with my mother and why I feel the way I do about her.
My mother was an alcoholic, she was a single mother as my father lived in England. She started abusing alcohol when I was 8, started sneaking out of our house and leaving me alone at night. This was back before mobile phones, I’m 35 now. She used to bring back random dudes from the bars she went to who I then told to get out. She hid drink, she verbally abused me, she was violent towards me, she picked them men who gave her drink over me. This went on for years and I was loyal to her, I never once thought to tell an authority figure. She then started with the overdosing when drunk, obviously because she felt bad. The first few times devastated me but after that they didn’t because I killed her off in my head. I let her die to protect myself, I grieved for her even when she was still alive because I knew she would do it again. I moved out when I was 21. There is lots more to the story like how I was a young carer for my grandmother and took on everything because my mother was way too drunk to do it.
My mother stopped drinking although she’s recently started up again but she stopped for a while. The reason we never got close again is because she thought she could jump right into this mother daughter relationship like nothing happened. She still thinks this and no matter how many times I tell her we have to start from the ground up she doesn’t get it. That’s why we are at loggerheads and why I don’t have a good relationship with her. Plus her drinking now is like a kick in the gut, it shows me she has no thought for what she put me through as a child and it angers me. I have a son, her grandchild and I’ll be damned if I let him into her life for her to let him down the same way she did me.

Your kids need to see you stable, they need to know you’re doing your best but also you shouldn’t be too overbearing with them. You’ve got to start from the ground up, that’s hard for a mother, it’s hard to act like a stranger to your children and build a relationship but that’s what you need to do. You need to start small, write them a letter with your feelings, don’t use the excuses! That’s the worst, admit your faults, admit you fucked up, don’t put their father down even though he was a shit, let them know you’re working to sort your life out and that youd like to have a relationship with them. Most of all let them know that you’re willing to build a relationship on their terms and can do that as slowly as they need. It takes time to build trust when you’ve lost it and until you quit the drinking they probably will feel a bit vexed still. Get your life back on track, let the proof be in the pudding, they will see you try and they will see when you’re doing much better that you mean what you say.
They will forgive you eventually. Go at their speed. It doesn’t matter what their father tells them because adult kids will know through their own experience in life that things aren’t always simple and easy. It might take a while so you need to prepare for that.
You’re doing amazing though, you’ve already started on the road to recovery and that must have been really hard. They will see that. You just need to keep going, keep working on yourself and your life. You’ll get there. It’ll be hard and slow but it’ll be worth it.

I wish you all the best, I know you feel bad about it and I know it’s hard for a mother to not be connected to her children but you need to persevere. X

MsDiz.....I want to thank you, three years on, for your frank but understanding advice from the point of view of an adult child if an alcoholic. While your story made me weep, especially when i think about some of the similarities between your childhood and what my children doubtless experienced, I needed to hear those things. I especially needed to hear that they don't need me pushing them, or trying to insert myself forcefully into their lives now more frequently than they have time for. I suppose I have always known on an intuitive, almost cellular level, that there will be a reconciliation, but I sometimes yearn for it too soon. God works in his own time. And healing requires a lot of time.

I reread your post today for the first time in three years and wanted to thank you for it. I hope you are thriving. Blessing, love, and hope from America.

 

[jhess3993]

i am not in your situation, but the other way round, a child trying to get back the trust of their parents. one thing that really hit me in rehab was a support worker telling me (this is cheesy but it makes sense to me) that trust is line a plate, once you smash it and stick it back together, its fragile. every time you break it you smash it again. over the course of my addiction i broke my parents trust countless times. it will not always be fragile but the only thing we can do is give it time. apparently it takes about 2 years. i'm 18 months clean and the improvements have been huge. all i could do was keep doing the right thing to the best of my ability. give it time, and work on yourself. are you in therapy? i'd also suggest minimising contact with your children's dad, the guilt and shame he is provoking in you put you at risk of relapse.

 

[jhess3993]

Hi kiddo. How are you doing three years on? Are you still clean? How are your parents?

 

[n3ophy7e]

How are YOU doing @jhess3993 ?? Would love an update if you would like to share one. If not, that's okay too. Much love

 

[jhess3993]

How are YOU doing @jhess3993 ?? Would love an update if you would like to share one. If not, that's okay too. Much love

Oh, thank you so much for your response. I don't hear as much as I would like to from my children, but I have made my peace with that. I saw them both months ago, in December, and hope to be able to see them again this year. We still communicate on occasion. Sometimes my heart aches that I'm not closer with them but I have a comforting peace in my soul that all these wounds will become completely healed eventually. Probably not at any given point in time, but rather over the course of time.... but somehow i know that there will be a complete reconciliation.

With regard to chemicals, I've stayed off dope, have not touched it and don't event think about it....things that used to trigger me never do anymore. I still drink too much. 2 or 3 tall boys of malt liquor a day. I'm embarrassed to admit that, but it's important to be honest. Still, I feel like I've come light years from where I was from.

The downside? I've gained a hundred lbs. Literally, a hundred fucking lbs. I have an appointment this week with my doctor for my usual shit (cholesterol labs etc), at which time I'm gonna bring up a referral to a bariatric surgeon for a lap band. Because being a giant behemoth of a woman sucks.

All that said, I'm in the best relationship of my life, with a completely sober, beautiful, absolutely precious man I met 6 days after I got off that bus. He is completely sober and completely normal, but somehow completely accepts me. ME! With all of my crazy baggage and now all of my weight... If that isn't a miracle, I don't know what is. His stabilizing presence in my life has allowed me to reconnect with my family in Michigan, especially my father, who died 2 years to the day after i got off the bus after fleeing the hell I was in. My partner bought a house two months after I met him, within less than a mile of my father, his wife, and my biological mother. Interestingly, a year after I moved here, my sister moved back here from Vegas, and my brother from Buffalo. The brother didn't get back til after dad died, but my sister did and I know she was a huge blessing to him in those last horrible days if his illness.

My life has completely stabilized. I have health issues, as I am 50 now, and fat, with all of the health issues that that entails as well as health issues I had anyway, but I have a wonderful job at an Ivy League school and I wouldn't change anything, except someday I hope to overcome all alcohol.

These is an old hymn called "There is Sunshine in My Soul Today," and as I write these words about the mercies that God in His grace bestows upon his children, even the prodigal ones and the wayward ones, even those awash in the dregs of a ruined life, I am grateful, indeed. I am so very grateful.

So anyway, yes...I'm so glad you asked. Thank you SO much for asking, and for caring.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Oh, thank you so much for your response. I don't hear as much as I would like to from my children, but I have made my peace with that. I saw them both months ago, in December, and hope to be able to see them again this year. We still communicate on occasion. Sometimes my heart aches that I'm not closer with them but I have a comforting peace in my soul that all these wounds will become completely healed eventually. Probably not at any given point in time, but rather over the course of time.... but somehow i know that there will be a complete reconciliation.

With regard to chemicals, I've stayed off dope, have not touched it and don't event think about it....things that used to trigger me never do anymore. I still drink too much. 2 or 3 tall boys of malt liquor a day. I'm embarrassed to admit that, but it's important to be honest. Still, I feel like I've come light years from where I was from.

The downside? I've gained a hundred lbs. Literally, a hundred fucking lbs. I have an appointment this week with my doctor for my usual shit (cholesterol labs etc), at which time I'm gonna bring up a referral to a bariatric surgeon for a lap band. Because being a giant behemoth of a woman sucks.

All that said, I'm in the best relationship of my life, with a completely sober, beautiful, absolutely precious man I met 6 days after I got off that bus. He is completely sober and completely normal, but somehow completely accepts me. ME! With all of my crazy baggage and now all of my weight... If that isn't a miracle, I don't know what is. His stabilizing presence in my life has allowed me to reconnect with my family in Michigan, especially my father, who died 2 years to the day after i got off the bus after fleeing the hell I was in. My partner bought a house two months after I met him, within less than a mile of my father, his wife, and my biological mother. Interestingly, a year after I moved here, my sister moved back here from Vegas, and my brother from Buffalo. The brother didn't get back til after dad died, but my sister did and I know she was a huge blessing to him in those last horrible days if his illness.

My life has completely stabilized. I have health issues, as I am 50 now, and fat, with all of the health issues that that entails as well as health issues I had anyway, but I have a wonderful job at an Ivy League school and I wouldn't change anything, except someday I hope to overcome all alcohol.

These is an old hymn called "There is Sunshine in My Soul Today," and as I write these words about the mercies that God in His grace bestows upon his children, even the prodigal ones and the wayward ones, even those awash in the dregs of a ruined life, I am grateful, indeed. I am so very grateful.

So anyway, yes...I'm so glad you asked. Thank you SO much for asking, and for caring.

That is so wonderful to read and has made my day! Well done, and keep it up Do you intend to quit drinking, or is it a happy medium?

Oh and MzDiz doesn't really come by here much any more. She is well though! Just busy doing other things. But she might come on and see this, you never know