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New Member, want to share my experiences with everyone. Feel free to reach out

streetpharmacist84

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 10, 2015
Messages
75
Hey everyone. Im a 31yo male living in California. Ive been more or less what I would say is a functional user of many substances over the years...........I tried them all quite frankly because my chronic pain situation is so ridiculous I wont even lie, sometimes the escape is just easiers. Ive got a lot of information regarding substances, from the first person perspective. Like most of us Ive been around the block a time or two. But specifically I am a chronic pain paitent, steming from a tumor in my spine (non-operable), chronic migraines, 3 serious motor vechicle accidents, high blood pressure.........i could go on for about two more lines. The last 6 years Ive spent in the shady ass world of what the US. reffers to as health care............ive been through more scenarios with doctors, pharmacists, and medications the average cancer paitent would go through in a lifetime. I am by no means an expert or claim to be one. The reason Im reaching out on here is I wish Id of had these resources here when I began my journey of opiate pain mangement and multiple medications..........I would of made wiser choices. I would specifically be more than happy to share this information to people suffering like me to make better decisions than I did. However, I dont mind helping a normal user keep it safe too. You cant believe everything the government, your doctor, or the pharmacutical companies tell you or what you read in the media. Cant wait to get into these forums and participate Ive read enough its my turn to share.
 
Welcome to Bluelight !

I really appreciate the fact that you're wanting to share the information and experiences you've gathered over the years. Thanks.

And if you ever need any help with the site, feel free to message me.
 
Hey Street from a fellow newby!=D...and a fellow CPP still struggling with PM to find the right protocol. I have been through FAILED trials of MS Contin, Fentanyl, and currently taking low dose Oxycodone. I have many GI issues that prohibit effective absorption/metabolism of opiates.

I'm told I'm an enigma. I have never used drugs recreationally, nor do I have the desire. I don't like the Oxycodone, as I need extended relief med for round the clock PM. I digress.
 
sounds like you need somehting like oxycontin or even the ms contin and reserve the IR oxycodone for breakthru pain. Even if you dont have breakthru now you will later when youve became more tolerant to the meds. Also, try whatever the doctor says for the first few times, but dont be afraid to go back in a week and tell him/her that your pain isnt controlled and dont go asking for anything specific either. As far as getting the right medication, your really have to build up their trust, never refill early or attempt too, make sure you pass every UA you get.....etc. It took me 4 years of taking hydrocodone only to get to 15mg oxy now finally 30mgs, when I really needed that from day one. But you cant tell them you have a high tolerance unless you have records showing it. I always try to kinda nudge them in the right direction if you will, but if they ever come back with an awswer that show they are uncomfortable with it, retract and say "while if you think its dangerous I dont want it.........." If you get to this point with them hunker down and tough out your month then go back and ask if they can help you it still isnt working. If the awnser is no, ask to be reffered to a pain specialist. Im not trying to teach you to burn your doctor, but honestly the DEA is so far up their ass theyre scared to pull the trigger with opiates. And for good reason. They make A LOT of money, and one dead paitent their liscense is gone. So I have found its nessecary to play their game a bit.
 
Actually, the med trials/failures are not the fault of my PM specialist. He told me from day one that I needed Fentanyl...and pretty much asked HTF had I survived without opiates for pain?

I resisted the Fentanyl because it's expensive and it's the top step of the ladder in PM.

My story is detailed in my posts if you type DixiChik in the search bar.

My PM doc is an anesthesiologist/director of the hospital Pain Center. Our biggest problem is communication. He has a THICK foreign accent. I have a slow Southern drawl. We don't click. I'm not easy to treat, with GI issues that can be life-threatening. He prefers the "easy" cases. He has told me "there are medications than can relieve your pain and give your life back...if only you could afford them".

Well, I can't with no prescription coverage. WHO can pay the cost of OxyContin, Exalgo, Zohydro? Not me. YES...I need an extended release med, with the IR for BT pain. I think he knows I cannot metabolize/absorb the abuse-proofed OxyC so he sticks with Oxycodone. It doesn't relieve pain, but changes perception. I don't like it because it doesn't last. I can easily see where the rebound pain could detour into darkness.

I will say that MS Contin caused treatment resistant constipation. It was a deal breaker, with near death obstruction. I've even had genetic testing done, which shows I'm slow to metabolize the "codones". They recommended "morphones". Dilaudid is too sedating.

I can't sleep through my days. I have a fast-paced career that requires me to be on my game, period. After hitting 50, with decades of pain, I'm contemplating early retirement. I'm also contemplating a dirt nap. I just can't continue to wake up to this SOS every day. I digress.
 
Yea, have you ever heard of the Rick Simpson Method of using cannabis oil in a super potent concentrate to cure that??? I could be wrong but I know at the very least it works for some GI problems. I have heard miracles stories more than once, however Im from Cali and Colorado both so thats kinda our thing out west. But you should definaetly look into it. Do you eat a lot of fiber in your diet?? If not find something that you can eat a lot of that has high amounts of fiber. I know it works for me but I dont have GI issues. I eat life cereal like 4 times a day almost as if it were my stool softner. Im sure you know this but you never know..........
 
About the cost of meds without insurance........the root of much evil. And they wonder why people sell the shit. I know many people that had to choose between selling 1/4 of their script to pay for the meds and risk going to jail to be pain free. I cant blame them really........I know I would do whatever I had to minus rob or steal to get my meds. Luckily I have insurance my wife is a teacher
 
:\ Yes, it's the old chicken and egg conundrum, isn't it?

I worked for a Fortune 500 company for 12 years before the "crash". Let's just say 1000's of us were left with layoffs and logos (on our appliances) rather than insurance benefits. I was oblivious to the cost of healthcare beyond my insurance co-pays. What a wake up call, on so many levels. I had lost touch with true costs of meds, since name brand for my GI meds/AD/Anxiety meds was only $25 per.

I don't think, in retrospect, that I would have enrolled in PM if I'd known the costs of meds. My PM visits are billed $140 for office, then double billed @ $140 more for "hospital", which I never set foot into. I don't qualify for assistance with prescriptions because our income exceeds parameters, according to big pharma.

YET...I see folks at the pharmacy receiving huge bags of meds for little to no costs. I know that they sell the stuff. So does the law, apparently, but nothing is done to stop it. It makes it impossible for those in true physical pain to get relief. JMO, but I think big pharma, medical facilities and govmt. are all one big cluster fuck. Who gets the shaft?

On the GI front...It's BEYOND complicated. If ingested fiber is not soluble, I'm only exacerbating the problem of constipation. My GI issues are not diet related. My insides are mutilated by disease and surgery to "remove" disease. I even tried Kratom for 2 weeks recently. It had potential for pain and depression (suicidal) but CONSTIPATION ensued even with softeners, laxatives, etc. In other words, if I gorged myself on fiber, there might form an explosive hay turd that my bowels can't move! :!

I'm on a regimen of Miralax daily, along with senna, etc. hoping I can try Kratom again. Sounds like a country song, but...My beloved Dal died 2 weeks ago while I was trying Kratom. Although I was devastated, I think the stuff kept me off the floor, where I would have been found in my own vomit.

Sorry for the potty mouth and macabre sense of humor...Let's just call them "biofeedback".

I am very curious about tinctures, after MUCH reading. If I lived in a legal state, I would try MM...but not smoking...ever. Edibles? nah...Visions of Cheech and Chong Up in Smoke craving Cheetos. Crazy, but I'm body conscious and won't risk weight gain, period. Post-surgery steroids eased the pain and inflammation so MUCH, but minimal weight gain was a deal breaker.

I know little to nothing about the pain relieving properties of weed. I'm guessing that cost would be an issue, even if legalized in my state. Opiates and weed are everywhere, but I've never used any drug recreationally unless you count Jack Daniels/Crown Royal on occasion.

BTW...What is your current PM protocol, if you don't mind sharing what works for you?
 
As a matter of fact, I dont even see a pain management doctor. When I first sought out help for my back pain, I was under the impression that it was from 2 serious rear end accidents, which makes perfect sense so I joined a family medical practice. At the time 4 norcos a day was good for me with soma 3 times a day and that was chill for about 4 years, with the breakthru from that coming from the streets, well not really street more like people I described in the scenario above. I helped them pay, and they got me what I need. During this peroid, it was discovered that along with disc dessication, scoliosis, disc degeneration, chronic migraine and sciatica I have a large spinal hemangeioma at my L4-L5 vertabrae, which I was born with. I played it off for 4 years until my doc reccomended oxycodone after finding out about the hemangeioma(tumor of blood clots which occur all over the body usually benign) was wrapped around my discs muscles and spinal cord) which is what works best for me......and I took the opportunity. From there, I was on 15mg Oxycodone 4x daily and 3 norcos for breakthru. At this point at my doctors office I have a impeccable reputation, taught the entire staff that opiates cause low testosterone, and on mulitple occasions showed how proactive I am by being an internet paitent doctor(not the dumb ass know it alls), however I only share information I learn from a official scientific journal with an unbiased approach and has a large subject pool over many years. After about a year on that combo, I decided to be honest and just tell the guy look man, I need something stronger.........and my first choice would be to step up slowly taking Oxycodone IR 20's and step up slowly.....however.......here is a printout of the frequency CVS pharmacy fills 20mg oxycodone IR and the other strenghts across the nation. 30's, 15's, 10's and 5's were plentiful but 20's were reportadly impossible to get and paitents often end up without meds or waiting for an order. And since we can only fill monthly, you dont have time to wait and they wont order it until you bring the script in, which you cant do until the date on the script. Which means you go without. I suggested to him that the best option would be 3 x 30mg Oxycodone IR's a day and 3 to 4 norcos a day for breakthru. After all the years of my impeccable paitent record (which includes me seeing the owner one month, because I had broncitis about 5 days before a refill and he was the only one free. He saw my records and took me off my norco and valium and told me he dosent want to write the oxys 15s because I might stop breathing. I told him I would have severe withdrawl and he "assured me" I would not. I kindly explained to him that Im tolerant and that will not happen and he eventually scripted them) he didn't even bat an eye at it because he knows that I am very through about my health and medication and quite frankly am teaching him about pain management. The icing on the cake is that my guy is only a PA, yet when that owner fucked me over so my PA broke company policy and called in my norcos and somas (norcs were still a cIII at the time allowing that) and later apologized for his bosses misconduct. The dude is an OG.........I even switch between valium and soma at my discretion because my spasms are really severe and rotating them keeps them more effective. However, I have only refilled early in emergency situations using the excuse that Im going on vacatoin and I know they wont refill my narcotic in another state maybe 3 time in 6 years. I have never asked for anything rediculous and when I do ask, if the sound like they are aganist it I immediately say well your the doctor if you say no I with you. Even if what theyre denying is exactly what I want. A lot of people dont realize these doctors arent afraid to prescribe these meds for no reason........the DEA is so far up their ass that they are ultra scared to pull the trigger like I said above. And when they do its really really sparingly. I was pretty lucky to located this collective of doctors which is a family practice and not a pain management clinic. This probably sounds outrageous to most people but after all these years I was only piss tested once, and his boss made him when I switched to thirties. But me being me I never get complacent and I always make sure my pee has what it supposed to at the end of the month, and if it dosent I have frozen samples as a back up. The private practices dont get regulated as heavy as pain management shops which in this day and age are looked at as the pill versions of marijuana dispenseries thanks to Florida. Speaking of florida, that might not be a bad idea its really easy to get what you need there, especially if your legit. Also, worth mentioning. Above where I talked about help people pay and helping me, the coolest lady I ever had was a buddys mom and she had recently gone through gastric bybass surgery, and everything went through her system really fast. She was on 120 8mg dilaudids, 180 Oxycodone 30's, a full bottle of liquid morphine, norcos, and xanax. I dont know what your GI issue is but if you take something to help your system pass stuff really fast that may be your problem. If I was you I would try to find a really down to earth doctor, look for one that has a history of pain managment and or sports medicine who is a GP now. No offense, but your a bit older and your problem is super legitimate theres no reason you should have problems getting what you need. Young people like me traditinoally get labled drug seeking before they can say a word after mentioning OC(im an exception I know). Since you have to pay cash, ask them to write you out 2 or 3 months worth of triplicates so you dont have to go to them every month since refills arent allowed on CIIs anymore. My doctor writes them 2 months at a time because he knows I live two hours away and have been denied treatment or had been told they want to change all meds upon entering pain management.........which is BS because I spend 6 years getting this under control and pretending like my tolerance wasnt way higher than what they gave me and I got it elsewhere. Its not that Im a shady doctor scammer, rather I understand things from their point of view and if you tell them you were self medicating not only will they not give you what you need, they will surely discharge you because your a liability. So finally after 6 years, and 10 before that with no prescription just getting a few where a could from my pops or whatever cause it was only a few days a month i needed them, I am where I need to be. So when people ask me how the hell am I so lucky??? It has nothing to do with luck, and everything to do with the fact that I have legit problems, respect my doctors and I hate to say it but pure skill and self control on not wanting to jump out of my chair when the doctors denied me what I need, rather telling them ok well the last thing I want to do is hurt myself I trust your opinion and Ill try it your way for a month........10 days later I go back and just be honest and tell them its not working I tried really hard. The last thing I want to do is get on more opiates. However Im disabled already, my only responsibility is watching my daughter every day and I cant do that right now. So I dont have a choice. It was a long road but unfortuantely like all else in the US, its all about the money. No lisence to practice no money, and over scripting opiates is the eaisest way to get yours yanked so yea, they are apprehensive. As a matter of fact is some quack is writing pills out the ass whatever you ask for get out, quick because not only with your record of tolerance have the asterik next to it that a overprescriber got her hooked, you wont have a doctor real soon cause there ass is going to jail. Last of my rant(I could do this all day thats why I joined) best part about the private practice is that when I told em I smoked weed to curb my opiate tolerance........he laughed and said......."well if I was you Id be getting high every day.......well let me rephrase that. I wouldnt inhale but use edibles dont worry about it. Thats the beauty of finding a doc that dosent have many pain paitents because they arent getting raped by the DEA and arent gonna waste their money drug testing you all the time.
 
Thanks for talking to me. No offense taken on the age comment. Yea, being called an OG (in my case) is not "props". It stands for Octigenarian (sic) :p

I figure @ 54, with 35 years and counting in a strong marriage...no fucking hope of getting better physically...WHY shouldn't I seek pain relief and LIVE rather than exist? I won't see 60, if it's only MORE of this. My plan is to stay until/unless my husband dies. He is treated for an enlarged heart and med-resistent HBP. His dad died @ 45 on the golf course with my (then) 16 year old husband at his side. My husband is now 58, but takes 5 separate types of BP meds to keep somewhat well. I SO WANT to spend what's left of our lives together seeking our share of happiness. I know how this story ends, believe me. My exit will correlate with his. It soothes my soul to know that I have a plan in place. Creepy? maybe...but judge not lest ye be judged.

Strange, but I have hemangiomas along my spine, too. I'm up close and personal with "blood filled tumors". They, along with bleeding lesions and the scar tissue my body creates to "heal itself"...will be the cause of my demise. Again, I won't bore folks with my novella length thread/posts.

My PM doc is no doubt legit. He knows that I am, too. I have records/documentation that would rival Wiki. 8( Then, within 4 months of starting PM with him, I got SHINGLES in my eye (YAY). He told me that it hurt him to look at me. He also said that "People commit suicide to escape the pain of shingles!" No shit, Sherlock! This virus is blinding me and driving me out of my tree. It's the proverbial cherry on top of a shit sundae, healthwise physically and mentally.

Yep...I know it's all about the profit. He trusts me, though. I have nothing to hide. I hide nothing. I've NEVER been urine tested, but I see others in his office that are. He hasn't forced me to take spinal injections, because they've provided no relief in the past. A lot of PM doctors in my state are only doing injections (no opiates) The problem is ME and my GI issues.

>>PM enrollment required now, across the board for CP. My GP will no longer prescribe "narcotics" beyond Tramadol. I tried that for 2-3 years because it's all I had when Darvocet went bust. Note: I had a lifelong GP since he delivered me from the womb. He was a true doctor who managed my healthcare for 40+ years, sending me to specialists, cancer surgeons, etc. He found the endometriosis when GYNs/UROs/Gastros had spent years trying to tell me it was in my head. He got me in with a top cancer surgeon who did his best, but...It was stage 4 by then. Too late.

My intestines are altered through intestinal bypass as well. My PM doctor, as I said, does not understand that premise. We can't all be painted with the same brush. He knows I'm in HELL, but he doesn't know what to do about it. I'm really afraid (thus, the thread entitled "Chicken Shit") that he fears DEA too much to treat me adequately. That, and I don't have thousands of dollars per month to spend on new boutique meds. Hell, he doesn't even treat opiate-induced constipation. Huh? I have IBC without pain meds...I never knew opiates had this SE. Ding! Ding!

The Oxycodone is the lesser culprit for this SE. I just fear the future if I go full-on with this med. But without some level of reprieve from pain, there is NO FUTURE for me. For better of forget it!
 
Im in so much pain Ive checked myself in for being suicidal, and I am the last person that anyone ever, thought would be suicidal. Period. My family members tell me they worry Ill die of a heart attack at 50 to 60. I tell them this.........as shitty as it is, I would rather die at 60 than live to 100 and never be able to function as a father, husband, or human being. Im already worthless as far as work is concerned and on SSDI. the only thing Ive got that feels like I make a difference is being an at home parent to my daughter, and my marriage. Id rather live pain free as long as I can then be clean and suffer. The hard part about being sick in this fashion is there isnt physical give aways, so your always under the microscope and judged. Most people dont understand what its like to wake up day in day out in pain and or addicted dependant tolerant to opiates. Call it what you want, anyone on the shit consitantly is addicted, its only a matter of how responsible we are and if there is truely a legitimate reason. I spent my younger years doing every drug imaginable aside from injecting shit and meth. I got over all that years ago, not that I dont dabble occasionally LOL. But, I am not happy to be an addict once again, especially being as how I dont have a choice in the matter if I want to have a halfway decent life
 
Believe me, I KNOW. I think it helps to purge those feelings without fear of judgement. I too must be the Calvary on the trusty steed. Though I "ride" upright in the proverbial saddle...It's only a facade. In truth, my horse is dead. I'm hiding inside his rotting carcass.

I never even experienced the WONDER YEARS...no recreational drug use, nada. My fear of meds that could potentially manage my pain is rooted in my strict upbringing. FEAR was always a powerful deterrent in my youth. It's more of a hurdle now in my OG years. :|
 
Welcome Streetpharmacist, it's great to have another knowledgable cpp join! Shit, you've checked in to a hospital, or facility? For feeling suicidal??

That's so awful for you!! Did you speak with your doctor & ask for help? Where you are, is there a pain team or other specialist to get you on a drip to settle your pain?

Sorry for all the questions, I'll take it as a given you won't be answering atm, I've been where you are & really do feel for you❤️

Rtp
 
I have a really good doctor.......what do you mean by drip? Ive tried pretty much everything there is to take less fentanl. I used to not want the extended release forumals like the tradional oxycontin or or ms contin etc.......the only other med besides hydrocodone and oxycodone that would manage the pain well is dilaudid.......but Im not about to tell my super legit PA and Doctor that hey BTW bro I did some D's the other day and that shit worked. Ive been with the same practice for almost 6 years starting off with just 6 hydrocodone 10/325's a day.....even when I started with them I could of used the 30mg Oxy IR on top of the 6 norcos im on now. But I know how doctors are, and regardless of what you need then they are gonna start you off on low grade stuff.....theres very few doctors you could tell youve been self medicating that wouldnt turn you away. So in all fairness, it is partially my fault for not just getting help sooner. At the same time though I didnt have insurance unitl six years ago so thats that. Anyways at this point Im turning 31 on friday. At the very least I got 35 years ahead of me so it does worry me that although Ive seen people get way way deeper than this in a tenth of the time......at some point I need to plateau and consider how long I have to make opiates work for. It s almost like people taper off opiates or subs or whatever, except the exact opposite. I have to taper up per se because at the rate I went over the last six years (for someone whos dependant on opiates thats fairly reasonable) nothing is going to change the fact I have to make them work for the rest of my life. Not to mention even the coolest doctor has limits, and the minute they suspect your getting a bit to deep they pull the plug. THey aint about to risk their cash cow credentials for nobody....ever.
 
Hey Runt Im not currently in the hospital. Back in January I got to a point i was so depressed at my pain and how much of my life it has taken away I was thinking about suicide and taking out the people in my life that think Im some scam artist trying to scam pain pills.........mostly based of the fact I grow weed and in the past wasn't exactly a model tax paying citizen. The minute I really registered that thought I realized I need to check myself in. I actually have about 1 semester short of a degree in psychology and knew at the very least I needed to take a break and get my shit straight. In the process I got on some meds for depression and whatnot. I really wish I could still go to counsling but I cant afford the 600 dollar co pay I owe the hospital. I have a really good doctor.......what do you mean by drip? Ive tried pretty much everything there is to take less fentanl. I used to not want the extended release forumals like the tradional oxycontin or or ms contin etc.......the only other med besides hydrocodone and oxycodone that would manage the pain well is dilaudid.......but Im not about to tell my super legit PA and Doctor that hey BTW bro I did some D's the other day and that shit worked. Ive been with the same practice for almost 6 years starting off with just 6 hydrocodone 10/325's a day.....even when I started with them I c ould of used the 30mg Oxy IR on top of the 6 norcos im on now. But I know how doctors are, and regardless of what you need then they are gonna start you off on low grade stuff.....theres very few doctors you could tell youve been self medicating that wouldnt turn you away. So in all fairness, it is partially my fault for not just getting help sooner. At the same time though I didnt have insurance unitl six years ago so thats that. Anyways at this point Im turning 31 on friday. At the very least I got 35 years ahead of me so it does worry me that although Ive seen people get way way deeper than this in a tenth of the time......at some point I need to plateau and consider how long I have to make opiates work for. It s almost like people taper off opiates or subs or whatever, except the exact opposite. I have to taper up per se because at the rate I went over the last six years (for someone whos dependant on opiates thats fairly reasonable) nothing is going to change the fact I have to make them work for the rest of my life. Not to mention even the coolest doctor has limits, and the minute they suspect your getting a bit to deep they pull the plug. THey aint about to risk their cash cow credentials for nobody....ever.
 
It was that you wrote you'd just checked in somewhere as you were feeling suicidal due to pain.

I said "drip" meaning running a line of something as a tablet or one shot of morphine, hydromorph whatever, probably wouldn't relieve such intense pain for a sustainable period.

Good for you that you've got yourself a good doctor, I also do. Well, I have several & am extremely grateful that they're amazing to me.

What's a PA?

In regard to opiates, I've been on a stable dose for a good couple of years. I'm in my thirties too, & my PM dr already tells me almost every time I see him, (often), at my age, & on the level of opiates I require,- I'm five times more likely than anyone else my age of dying from ANYTHING!

This is due to emerging evidence of, as you mentioned, lowered hormones, endocrine issues, well, there's actually a whole lot of problems associated with long term opiate use that I won't list now, but it's certainly making doctors re-think prescribing this group of meds.

Funny the way we all metabolise drugs so differently...I've had plenty of dilaudid & I can eat it like candy & it does absolutely nothing for my pain. I even told my PM dr this, & he was a bit shocked, saying it's a very strong medicine & said if half the bottle of tablets did nothing then why take the full bottle? (2mg & I'm highly tolerant ppl).

Anyhow, as I mentioned, it's good to hear from a new cpp!

Rtp
 
Yea my bad I looked back at that and worded it terrible. Sorry about that but I appreciate the gesture very much.......Its Crazy Ive got more sympathy on here than I get from my family ever. Thats the ultimate conundrum of the CPP. No visible signs. I agree about the dilaudid......However I used to have a good friends mother that would help me out here and there before I was this sick. She would give me either a couple 30's or 8mg dilaudid......I was greatful for whatever I got. Even at 8mg it just dosent have that euporhic effect of the oxycodone and hydrocodone and for some reason that really helps my pain and energy level. The dilaudid was almost like a methadone or something. It killed the pain but I was still lethargic. It would only be a few times a month and I never abused them.......funny as it sounds I would wash her car for her LOL. I got insurance when I married my wife about 6 years ago. Unfortunatley for me, I had been in so many wrecks an snowboard accidents by the time I was 20 when I had an episode of pain I needed at least 6 norcos a day......and honestly I just took those to shut the doctor up because I knew there was no way I was getting anything else. I kinda just did my own thing up until 6 years ago. W/O ins. it was impossible for me to afford a trip to the doctor, and pay the pharmacy. So I did what I had too. I was labeled by all my close friends and family as a drug addict. My dad and grandpa both cleary have scoliosis, both of their backs are extremely arched and painful. My father also had chronic migraine headaches. But they are both stubborn as hell, and insist on not using opiates. So none the less they were very unhappy to find out I was using opiates. Finally a couple years back when they discovered my hemangeioma they were a little more understanding, but when I checked into the hospital for being suicidal they let it go. Its crazy I used to beat myself up pretty good about "abusing the opiates" only come to find out I was right all along when they found the tumor.
 
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