New Member, Old Addiction

[Anne Hedonia]

Hi guys, I'm currently 20 days sober. My drug of choice being oxycodone, but have been taking Dilaudid for several months. It's funny that my first "clean" post is being made on a forum where I learned how to explore alternative ways to abuse opioids in the first place. I knew things had gotten desperate when I started crushing and snorting Dilaudid, noting that there was no burn and the high was double than when swallowed. This, however, didn't stop me from using- losing my "connection" is what made me stop. I later attempted to buy oxycontin over an email service and was scammed for $200, my hopes for a high overriding my senses and the obvious signs of fraud. At this point, I was past the worst of physical withdrawal and took it as a sign that I should stay sober.

With that being said, the horrific emotional and mental withdrawal is still strong. It's all I think about, I don't sleep, I find myself daydreaming about schemes or fantasies of just having one more. I am irritable, anxious, have this overwhelming sense of boredom at all times... I feel like I could literally die from the boredom and time just drags on... Like the last 5 minutes at work on a Friday, but ALL the time. I noticed that I have started watching TV shows that feature opioid use, like The Knick, House MD, and others. I obsess about these shows, I also started watching Intervention to basically "feel better" about my situation because it could be a lot worse, but began to become super focused on the scenes that show them using. Are these experiences common during early recovery?

 

[szuko000]

Hello and welcome to bluelight!

I think obsession and feeling connect to opiates is common during and just after addiction. That is to say of course you like those shows because you identify with the characters. I always admired House myself because I like inebriated scientists and drug users who are more intelligent then the average person but thats because I can readily identify with that persona in how i view myself.

The one thing I can say is this, intense emotional connection is common at first, this will fade into a "memory of a good time." Those memories of good times are still real enough to have the sting of reality as in withdrawal and memories of bad times too. The worst is nostalgia as it will come without the reality applied and you will experience a desire to rekindle those memories during rough or hard spots in life and its important to remember the past is there for a reason. And I think that is what people mean by "addict forever" because you can never forget your past and it will come up in your own head regardless of the life you find yourself in but it can be managed with realistic thoughts about how hard it was truly to get to your new point in life.

All things get easier with time and as time passes you will see these emotions fade. Thats not to say you wont still watch the shows, i love house and i am a year clean (on methadone 16mg and coming off) I still enjoy inebriated scientists as that is still a part of my life... the nodding out just stopped and is replaced with wholesome activities. Keep on the path and try to get hobbies and things that replace the drugs aspect of your life and you will continue to make marked progress but you gotta keep at it.

 

[feedtheSoul]

I know how depressed I felt when I stopped my oxy abuse. Luckily I didn't take them long enough to experience severe withdrawals when I went cold turkey.. but I can still empathize where you are. 20 days is awesome, by the way! Keep it up! I know the beginning is difficult but continue manipulating your willpower. Happy for you for those 20 days and every day after!

It's funny you said you used to learn things from here in the depths of your addiction but didn't join until after. It's similar with me, I just browsed this forum while I experimented myself into deep depression, but now that I'm taking my meds as prescribed and keeping drug abuse to a minimum of tobacco and cannabis, I've joined the forum to start posting.

Welcome to BL by the way!

 

[Anne Hedonia]

Thanks for the welcome. Still sober and kicking. Every day is a little better, but the cravings are so intense still. I spoke with a friend earlier who offered to drop me a couple roxicodone, and I've been obsessing to the point of having an anxiety attack. I didn't take him up on his offer, but I'm having to fight every urge and just be line "yeah, I'll take them".