Hello Everyone, *waves*
I am Servus, and as the name suggests.. I am a Slave.
Not really sure what all to say right now, but I've been reading BlueLight off and on for a handful of years now,
often wanting to sign up but never actually doing so until now.
I'm not even really sure why I just decided to join...
Maybe it was a few posts earlier from a few different people who inspired me...I dunno.
Anyway...
I'm from the u.s., somewhere in the north east - and for the past 11 years or so I have had a master who controls virtually everything I do-
My master goes by the name of "Opiate", and I'm really just tired of it.
Like many, my "master" was introduced to me by a "Doctor" when I was 17 y.o. (1997-98) for "legitimate medical reasons". (what could go wrong?!?)
Without getting into every minute and boring detail..
Here we are... in the year 2014- and as of now.. almost half of my life I've been a slave to this shit.
I know I'm a drug addict, I know my issues and where they (or most) of them stem from (but not how to deal with them), I know I can't keep this crap up for the rest of my life,
but I don't know how to deal with things like emotions/feelings anymore without this poison flowing through my meatbag.
Hell, I can hardly deal with them when I'm full of opiates.
I don't even "legitimately" ""need"" them anymore...
Havent for a long time...
I'm just ... stuck, rewired, & fukt.
Need them for vurtually everything...
Whether it's getting out of bed, to leaving the house, to eating, to socializing with anyone (which I don't do much of these days), I've practially become a recluse.
I don't even want or like this shit anymore. (you know what I mean).
At this point, I feel like if I don't cut this out of my life soon- I will be it's slave until I die. ( I'd honestly rather not live than to be a slave forever)
I'm not suicidal... But I do often contemplate how nice it would be to be completely removed from this physical meatbag that dictates everything "I" do,
everything from thoughts and feelings to actions.
It's actually kinda hard to remember what life was like before this shit.
I don't remember what it's like to not have to be dependant on this shit. But I'd love to experience that kind of existence again.
I'm not looking for sympathy or for shoulders to cry on, (I know, we all need both sometimes), lol
I'm just here to connect with others dealing with their own similar struggles- whatever they may be.
COnnect with them for what reason? I'm not positive...
Maybe to simply "Connect" is all we need sometimes?
I can't and don't share any of this with anyone else I know --- other than my Mother- She knows.. and 1 friend..
Everyone else is oblivious (at least I think so) - but I could be delusional in thinking that. But they seem mostly oblivious-
So either I'm deluded, or I wear a really good mask.
I'ts easy to forget that we're not alone in these struggles, and whle I wish them upon no person,
it is helpful to remember and know that there are others out there going through the very same things-
many of whose struggles are much more difficult than even our own. :/
I'd like to avoid making you fall asleep reading this (even though some of you might really, really need some sleep) lol , I know all about it.
So I guess I'll just cut off the intro here for now. But if you feel the urge to ask a question, share some feelings/thoughts or whatever else,
I'd be happy to read and reply.
Kinda feel like I should say more... But I really dunno what to say..
I think there are some truly brilliant minds and compassionate souls here at Bluelight who I will be happy to be amongst.
so.. Thanks for reading. Hope to see you guys/girls around.
Sory if this was too long or hard to read. But thanks again for getting this far. lol
Feels kinda good to get some of this out to someone, anyone who might understand!- who can't look me in the face and judge me.
I am Servus, and as the name suggests.. I am a Slave.
Not really sure what all to say right now, but I've been reading BlueLight off and on for a handful of years now,
often wanting to sign up but never actually doing so until now.
I'm not even really sure why I just decided to join...
Maybe it was a few posts earlier from a few different people who inspired me...I dunno.
Anyway...
I'm from the u.s., somewhere in the north east - and for the past 11 years or so I have had a master who controls virtually everything I do-
My master goes by the name of "Opiate", and I'm really just tired of it.
Like many, my "master" was introduced to me by a "Doctor" when I was 17 y.o. (1997-98) for "legitimate medical reasons". (what could go wrong?!?)
Without getting into every minute and boring detail..
Here we are... in the year 2014- and as of now.. almost half of my life I've been a slave to this shit.
I know I'm a drug addict, I know my issues and where they (or most) of them stem from (but not how to deal with them), I know I can't keep this crap up for the rest of my life,
but I don't know how to deal with things like emotions/feelings anymore without this poison flowing through my meatbag.
Hell, I can hardly deal with them when I'm full of opiates.
I don't even "legitimately" ""need"" them anymore...
Havent for a long time...
I'm just ... stuck, rewired, & fukt.
Need them for vurtually everything...
Whether it's getting out of bed, to leaving the house, to eating, to socializing with anyone (which I don't do much of these days), I've practially become a recluse.
I don't even want or like this shit anymore. (you know what I mean).
At this point, I feel like if I don't cut this out of my life soon- I will be it's slave until I die. ( I'd honestly rather not live than to be a slave forever)
I'm not suicidal... But I do often contemplate how nice it would be to be completely removed from this physical meatbag that dictates everything "I" do,
everything from thoughts and feelings to actions.
It's actually kinda hard to remember what life was like before this shit.
I don't remember what it's like to not have to be dependant on this shit. But I'd love to experience that kind of existence again.
I'm not looking for sympathy or for shoulders to cry on, (I know, we all need both sometimes), lol
I'm just here to connect with others dealing with their own similar struggles- whatever they may be.
COnnect with them for what reason? I'm not positive...
Maybe to simply "Connect" is all we need sometimes?
I can't and don't share any of this with anyone else I know --- other than my Mother- She knows.. and 1 friend..
Everyone else is oblivious (at least I think so) - but I could be delusional in thinking that. But they seem mostly oblivious-
So either I'm deluded, or I wear a really good mask.
I'ts easy to forget that we're not alone in these struggles, and whle I wish them upon no person,
it is helpful to remember and know that there are others out there going through the very same things-
many of whose struggles are much more difficult than even our own. :/
I'd like to avoid making you fall asleep reading this (even though some of you might really, really need some sleep) lol , I know all about it.
So I guess I'll just cut off the intro here for now. But if you feel the urge to ask a question, share some feelings/thoughts or whatever else,
I'd be happy to read and reply.
Kinda feel like I should say more... But I really dunno what to say..
I think there are some truly brilliant minds and compassionate souls here at Bluelight who I will be happy to be amongst.
so.. Thanks for reading. Hope to see you guys/girls around.
Sory if this was too long or hard to read. But thanks again for getting this far. lol
Feels kinda good to get some of this out to someone, anyone who might understand!- who can't look me in the face and judge me.
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