New member, been a reader

[trapped&down27]

Hello, everybody. I've been a reader of BL for a while now, pretty much every time I've done a google search on help with opiate withdrawals. The thing is, I am a closet addict. Nobody, not even those closest to me, knows about it. It has been developing over the course of this past year really, and it seems to just be getting worse.

From the outside, I look like this great stay-at-home mom and wife, that has everything together. On the inside, I am screaming. Here's a little background. A little over 2 years ago my husband and I moved to an area where we knew no one; had no friends or family in the area. To this day it is still like that - we have no friends here still and no family here. This has been very rough for me because I have always been very family oriented and had lots of great friends where we were. I feel completely isolated and alone. Yes I have my beautiful child with me, but he's not even 2 yet - not much for conversation at this point. I am also not working right now because my husband works full time and has odd hours, so I quit mine to stay home with our child. This has been difficult as well, as I have worked everyday of my life since I was a teenager. In addiction to all of this, I am only a few credit hours away from having my bachelor's degree. That is on hold right now due to financial reasons. So throw all of that together and you have the perfect recipe for my depression. That's where the opiates come in, for obvious reasons. And no, I never used when I was pregnant, didn't even use before I was pregnant. My time being spent here in this isolation is what has put this monkey on my back.

Now everything I have read about quitting opiates for good tells you to isolate yourself from people who do use or who supply you. Well, that's kind of difficult for me, considering my husband is prescribed Percocet monthly for his back problem. That is one source. He doesn't know it though. He just assumes that he has ran out early due to him taking a couple extra pills here and there. But it is starting to become noticeable to him I think as my addiction has gotten stronger and tolerance higher. The other source is a close relative of mine that is also prescribed oxycodone for shingles. So I have a short free supply each month. Basically the first two weeks are great and the second two weeks are withdrawal and depression again. It has literally been this way for every month this year. I don't know what to do. I feel stuck, trapped. I guess I joined this site for moral and emotional support, because I seriously have no one I could talk to. I have always been the one in my family that everyone has looked up to. If they knew about this, it would kill me and them.
So if anyone has any words of advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time to read my introduction.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Hiya trapped,

You have come to the right forum for support. The people here are lovely, supportive n caring.
I suggest you visit our recovery forums: the dark side, sober living n mental health. They have threads created where you can join in or you can post your own thread.
Opiate withdrawal isn't easy but we hare here to help you through it. You have to really want to give though.
You do not have to cut contact from people in your case you need to cut off your contact to the drugs. As difficult as it seems, i would encourage you to tell your husband so that you are cut off from that supply.
Please take care if please don't hesitate to contact me if you need anyone to talk to.
Evey xxxx

 

[trapped&down27]

Thank you so much for responding. Unfortunately I don't feel like I can tell my husband for various reasons, to include fear of him ever using it against me if we were to ever divorce and get mixed up in a custody battle. Not saying that is on the table right now, but I'm always a worst case scenario kind of person. Hence my feeling completely alone in this. He's been on them for a few years now and I used to have a very devout rule of never touching his meds... But now that my depression has set in I feel like they are the only way I can feel happy. I think the only thing that will get me out of this mess is to either go back to work, make friends, or move back around my family. The third choose really isn't an option at this point. But until all of those things happen I just need SOMEONE to talk to, that can relate to what I'm going through in some way.

 

[Zerrr]

Wishing you well

I would make a post in the recovery part of the forum (pref. The Dark Side)

take care