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sPHERE911

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 26, 2007
Messages
69
Location
Finland
Okay, so the last couple of months have been bad... But yesterday topped it all, with my gf (together for 5years) dumped me while she was drunk in front of my best friends, at our place, and was hitting on one of my friends the whole night. This has sortof happened before (she dumping me while drunk) but I have always fought for this relationship, but I dont have the energy to do it one more time.

Im in the middle of opiate withdrawal while Im currently not working because of a herniated disc in my back, and 4 days ago I also quit benzos cold turkey. This year proving to be the worst of my life so far.


I dont know what to do, Im done with this girl once and for all and im thinking about qutting my job and starting fresh with sometihing else..Just have to deal with this opiate and benzo withdrawal first.
 
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It is shitty now man but in the end quitting will be worth it. As far as the girlfriend all I can say is likely it sounds like time for a fresh start. I wouldn't quit your job unless you are in sound mind to weigh the risks vs benefits and you are certain that you are financially prepared for the risks involved. In the end she obviously doesn't want to be there and you are done. But I'm not there to judge nor would I want to, but if it's mutual let it be. I will say this being alone during this time can be hard but you can do it.
 
Attempting to detox from both opiates and benzos can generate more stress than a lot of people can handle at once. Of course, if you already have multiple days of progress under your belt it would be a shame to throw that away. What is the severity of your opiate/benzo use?

Doing this while you're off work anyway is probably a good idea, but I would make sure you're tackling it at a pace you can handle.

Your girlfriend sounds mildly abusive. It's probably good that you're cutting it off. If you're still undecided, I would suggest taking a survey of your relationship and decide whether or not it is a healthy situation for you to be in. Either way, I think you'll receive some much needed support in these forums.
 
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I have been through SEVERE benzo withdrawal cold turkey and it is no joke. I cannot imagine going through it coupled with opiate withdrawal. But please know that the suicidal feelings are partially from all the chemical stuff going on, and that it is really hard to deal with absolutely anything at all while going through that. I think it is a good idea to focus on you right now, and nothing else. I know that's easy to say, but really with the benzo thing you have got to take it two seconds at a time, and not overwhelm yourself with anything that you can't control - which includes other people. Which includes your girlfriend.

My best to you - withdrawal of any kind is godawful and I have been through both opiate and benzo withdrawal myself, and would say that the latter is so much harder than the first. If you can make it a couple weeks without the benzos then it doesn't really make sense to go back because of kindling and all that terrible stuff, but if the next two days proves to be too much maybe your doctor could put you back on a tiny dose of a long acting benzo? I am no doctor, but I remember getting through benzo withdrawal and setting goals for how long I could stand it - like, I would tell myself if I was still feeling like death four days from now, then I would see my doc. The four days were doable, and then I would try for few more until I was out of the woods. Which took forever. Anyway, good luck. Just remember although this sucks with the gf, you can get through this chemical shizz!
 
I know your pain exactly, Ive been prescribed klonopin and methadone for 2 years and just got done with the methadone withdrawals, i don't think i could ever quit my benzos though. It seems like you have a lot on your plate... Just remember to keep your head up, remember the characteristics about yourself that got your (ex)girlfriend and know there are PLENTY and i mean MILLIONS of other girls for you, at the least this was a life lesson and once you come out strong from the withdrawal and start back working again you feel SO much better about yourself. Suicide thoughts will tend to happen, of course they will we're human. Try to work out gently, whatever kind of exercise that doesn't hurt your back will make you feel better. I joined a gym that had a sauna and sweat every other day for 3 weeks when i was withdrawling and it helps!!

Hope to hear more from you in the future, don't forget... head high!

~HeisenbergCo2
 
You've gotten a lot of good replies, but I feel compelled to add one point:

There are things you have power over, and there are things that have power over you.

Things you can change right now, at this very moment:

Your job
Your girlfriend
Your depression

The things that you can't change, at this very moment:

Your addictions
Your injury
Your financial requirements

I see that you are done with your girl, and I salute you for that. From age 16 to 24 I went through 4 long term girlfriends before I just gave it up completely. There are worse things than being alone, and you'll get through it. You have friends to lean on, but even if you didn't, you would still be able to wake up every morning knowing that you are a self-made man.

If your job is still there, I say hold on to it. The economic stability of having a job takes care of your financial worries. You have an injury, so rest up, get better, focus on overcoming those addictions, but don't kill yourself (literally,) on the straight and narrow.

Good luck, have fun, be safe.
 
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the now ex-gf says she's really sorry about what happened that night and truly regrets it, although she dont seem to regret ending the relationship. we sent some texts and i told her exactly how i feel and how fucking evil that was and she seems to have issues with what she did herself. she's staying at her parents house now (instead of our apartment) and she seems to be struggling too. we do have 5 years behind us so i guess thats normal, unless she's a complete witch.

our apartment is owned by someone in her family so im actually the one without anywhere to live, but she chose to stay somewhere else regardless.

i went to the dr today as i havent gotten any sleep since saturday, but i got zopiclone which is cross-tolerant with benzos, so im not going to take those no matter what. i wont see my progress go down the toilet.

the benzo dependence is not severe compared to alot of other people, but the opiate dependence is worse. i got dependant because of a back problem i have. have not been to work in about 3months.
the benzo habit was xanax/nifoxipam for a couple of months, just to get 'high'. i was not actually being high either, just 'muted' from my emotions.

theres just so much in my life right now which is a fucking mess and for the gf to drop that bomb on me aswell that was way over the top for me. emotionally im a complete mess.
 
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^Sounds like everything outside of you is in control of everything inside of you. As strange as it may seem, that is a very good place to start building the very necessary relationship with yourself. It's not that outside circumstances should not hurt you or affect you but to what degree do you allow them to determine your own peace of mind?
 
if you go 3-4 years back in time, i was very strong mentally and totally in charge of my own mind...the last year or so I have changed to the worse, not giving a damn about anything and yes, you are correct, letting outside events control my mind far more than it should...i dont know why that is, maybe excess stress...the relationship have not been as stable as i have hoped it to be and i probably have just let her control more than she should have just to be with her..
 
sPHERE911 said:
if you go 3-4 years back in time, i was very strong mentally and totally in charge of my own mind...the last year or so I have changed to the worse, not giving a damn about anything and yes, you are correct, letting outside events control my mind far more than it should...i dont know why that is, maybe excess stress...the relationship have not been as stable as i have hoped it to be and i probably have just let her control more than she should have just to be with her..
Click to expand...

Don't get down on yourself about it. I can say with full confidence that 99% of us have been there at some point or another. At this point, it doesn't matter what happened in the past, it only matters how you move forward.

A couple of years back I went through a similar situation. There are differences: my disability is genetic and permanent, my psychological state devolved to the point of hospitalization, and my relationship fell apart due to my own actions. I was burying my sorrows in high dose hallucinogens, eventually getting to a point where reality and the dream world blurred. I lost my possessions, apartment, and girlfriend. I was forced into my parents home and to start taking psych meds. Two years later, I'm in the best state of mind I've ever been in, I have my own hobbies and achievements, and I rely on no one for emotional support.

I can't describe to you how it feels to be dependent upon only yourself for happiness. It is definitely a goal worth striving for, and I hope that you are able to see that.
 
She's not worth suicide..she'll move on quick, like they all do.

And if she gave a shit, she'd be supportive during this time, instead of being drunk and stupid.

Suicides over breakups drive me insane because nobody is worth you loosing your life over!!!!! Yes, it will sting them for a moment, but their life goes on.

Start over, start fresh...take time to heal you 1st babe.
 
Sphere, are you doing okay? How is the benzo thing? You should be close to feeling better from the opiate withdrawal a little by now, no? Please let us know how you're doing!
 
Oh I wanted to add, please don't torture yourself by looking back at a time in your life when you "had it under control", I do that a lot and I start beating myself up. All we can do is pick up the pieces and move forward, One day you're going to look back at THIS time in your life when you got off all the shit and say "man, I was really strong to be able to get through all of that".
 
I am indeed feeling a little better every day... had a long talk with the ex-gf and Im glad we did so we can now have some closure about the whole ting. hoping to stay friends atleast.

Withdrawal is getting better (i think), although some symptoms seems to disappear and new ones arrive. Latest symptom right now is a difficulty in breathing, like its tight in my throad. never experienced it before, but atleast anxiety is a 100times better now than the first days of stopping the benzos, and since its now been a week since my last benzo im hoping to be out of the danger zone with seizures and everything aswell. Im mostly just laying down and listening to music anyway though, dont have the energy to do anything else.. the support on these forums have been a huge help for me so far, although im sure it will take quite some while to become "normal" again for me..
 
I ended my 12 year relationship/marriage with my wife for good last February. Well the May before that she left me but we still lived together and had sex a few times, it was confusing and there was no actual separation. Anyway, the circumstances were very traumatic, she was emotionally abusive the whole time to varying degrees and I had utterly contorted my life to suit her needs. I realized she has emotional problems and is likely borderline personality disordered, controlling, and to top it off, she got really intense in her long process of mental breakdown or whatever happened to her, she started having episodes of psychosis which were very frightening to me. And the way it finally ended was that she told one of my best friends that she has feelings for him.

It was very painful to go through and I cried a lot. I was angry, sad, and a whole bunch of other things. But once she moved out, I began to have an honest relationship with myself again. I couldn't believe how quickly things started to get better for me emotionally. It's been over a year now and I have a new girl I'm seeing who is pretty amazing, and I'm literally the happiest I've ever been in life, it's been a complete 180. I was able to quit opiates for good within a few months of her moving out, I realized that part of why I was so deep into addiction was to hide from the pain of the relationship. I simply did not realize how much the relationship was hurting me and draining my life until it was truly over and we were not in each others' lives anymore. But it didn't take long to really see how good of a thing it was for me, maybe just a couple of weeks. After that, it still hurt for a while but I was primarily happy and hopeful. A year later and it didn't hurt at all.

I should clarify that I was also addicted to opiates at this time, and for a total of 10 years. During the worst parts of things, the confusing ending stages of the relationship, my addiction was the worst, and I truly felt I wanted to die. I never went so far as to become actually suicidal but I would fantasize about it and I could see it eventually having gone there. In retrospect I realize how much the imbalances in my brain from addiction were contributing to my feelings of hopelessness and depression. Things will seem so much clearer and better once you escape that chemical dependence. I would at least get to quitting opiates now, and if you can't do both at once (I doubt I could), quit the benzos after you're clear of the opiates. It will be hard but it will be SO WORTH IT. Trust me on that. :)
 
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Hey sphere! Good for you! Wanted to tell you that you should not get discouraged if the symptoms seem to go away for a few days, and then come back. That will get better with time. The time were you feel better will be longer in between the times when you have a recurrence of symptoms. Keep reminding yourself it's only chemical! Get through that part first and then worry about the rest.

When I withdrew from clonazepam I could only sit and watch the sopranos for weeks. Not that your experience will be weeks-I was on 6mgs for four years. Yeah. Ugh!
 
Hi guys,

Thanks for all the support in this thread. Alot of time has passed since I wrote this, and I did not use anything up until last week when I started college. I started a new thread about it here:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...fter-1-2-weeks-of-use?p=13199702#post13199702

My main problem after all of the detoxing from both opiates, benzos and the breakup was derealization and very disturbing/freaked up thoughts. Like, when I was walking I would start thinking "How am I really controlling my body?" and would freak out about it. Just irrational thoughts in general, and feelings of both anxiety and depression.

For those of you that have gone through similar stuff, please see my newly created thread about the benzo detox Im up against (although short-term).
 
My Dad always told me that friends you dont bring home..especially guy friends if your in a relationship..guys are sneaky when it comes to hitting on friends girls..and if I did have guy friends coming to my house, my girl will go to her room...that is how i was brought up and thats how I taught my oldest son..Dont bring guy friends to your house, they (not all) are sneeky..
 
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