New kid on the block

[Koderkev]

Hey everyone! Just joined yesterday after reading some posts and wanted to introduce myself. I started using coke & crank in 1992 after my partner of 9+ years died of AIDS. I met a guy in a support group who I now realize was drawn to me because I mentioned an insurance settlement. He had a coke habit, which I was too naive to see. Eventually I began using with him until the relationship disintegrated and we both moved on. Then it was crack because it was readily available where I lived. I lost my house because I had no sense for money.

Then I met my second partner, and we were both using together until we got picked up by the cops and charged with paraphernalia. Apparently they never searched the driver side door because when we got the car out of impound the weed was still there! We got sober for about 2-3 years after that, went to school to be travel agents and moved to Florida. But of course, old habits die hard and soon we were back to using. That lasted until 2008, when my guy died of an accidental OD on Oxy 15's and Lunesta. He had just had oral surgery and talked the doctor into the OxyContin 15's because he was taking 5's for his back problems. He was just careless and overconfident.

Anyway, I have been sober ever since (6 years) but lonely, since I am afraid to meet "the wrong people." Drugs have been a part of my sex life for a long time, and now I'm starting to have cravings for the kind of "sex, drugs, & rock & roll" life I used to have. I turn 54 in January and feel I'm too old to party like I did and get away with it. I have a pretty stable situation living with an older friend of the family and don't want to endanger that. But "stable" can also be "boring." Not really sure where I go next, this is just where I am at right now.

Thanks for reading!

Kev

 

[methyldreams]

can I ask what drew you into a drug forum if you really believe yourself and want to stay clean?

 

[HdoubleODeezy]

can I ask what drew you into a drug forum if you really believe yourself and want to stay clean?

there's more on this site than just drugs.

yes most of it is about drug harm reduction, but there are also parts where no drug discussion is allowed.
This site is like i life style site.. we all come here, find friends, help new people, give HR info, seek HR info, learn about health.. this site has a lot to offer, more than just talking about getting high.

Welcome to Bluelight BTW OP lol.

-HOOD

 

[Koderkev]

Honestly, I'm struggling with my desire to get high and don't like NA. I thought I had found some people that would understand what I'm feeling, at least, and not judge me either way. I don't want to be an anti-drug nazi or anything. I just needed people I can be honest with.

 

[methyldreams]

sorry mate.. i dont think of others much some people call me cold but its not that its just dont think before i type or talk

 

[The Doc.]

Your in the right place my friend there are many recovering drug addicts here and sometimes we just need someone to talk to who can relate.

Welcome to the site I hope you enjoy the site as much as I have in my time here

 

[Koderkev]

No worries, Methyl. But if you do go back and read my OP, you'll see that I'm feeling I want to get high again. Right now I'm fighting the urge with my rational mind. It's just that my emotions (and groin) are saying something different, LOL.

In case I do need my "addict ID" validated, I'm still taking Percs for my back and leg issues. I fell in a parking lot and didn't know my calcium was low, and wrecked my back. Had surgery (laminectomy and fusion) back in 2009, then had both hips replaced in 2010 and 2012. I'm just trying to use them for real pain, but have started using one every morning just to get out of bed. So like I said, I'm not a nazi about drug use. But at my age I had to admit I was really bad at being a junkie. Paranoid, delusional kind of "bad." But as awful as I was, I kept doing them, cuz the feels were so good.

Anyway, thanks to Hood and Doc, as well. I appreciate it!

 

[methyldreams]

koderkev please man i dont care if you shoot H or abuse cough medicine, i never judge amnyone, i apologize if i came across like that, i think i should change they way I come across.. idk i think if i type something it fake if i read over it a 2nd time before sending it, i cant and will not change that i dont care how much a dick i make myself look like.. i would do anything in this world almost to have a family and some kids :/ iv only used drugs as fun and entertainment but grew into a life where all i know is drugs not really something my grandfather would like me boasting about.. if he was still alive.. i do rekon its a fight you must battle each day for the rest of ur life when u have become addicte4d to any drug.. it gets less of a voice over time but im sure it will always be yelling for attention when your old n grey.. all i can say is stay of it my friend whatever it is..