New in town, in my thirties, barely any friends

[FeelingLonely]

Well, a couple of months ago I moved to a new town, old town I lived in had a population in the 40-60k range, new one is ~100k. My main reason for moving was that the old town was a bit out in the middle of nowhere and I kind of felt like I was sick of it (had been living there for six years and had grown quite bored with it for various reasons, the new town is much closer to bigger cities and transportation, just something like say, flying south on vacation is now much more easily accessible, in the past it would've involved a two hour flight just to get to a proper international airport, now that same airport is a 45 minute train ride away, visiting my parents now involves three hours of travel rather than 6-8 hours (depending on the train schedule, no direct flights from old town or new town to where they live)).

Before moving here I had a whole bunch of friends, most of them not very close ones but I could always find someone to hang out with or party with if I wanted to. Hell, most of the time I could be fairly certain that someone would contact me inviting me along to some party on Friday or Saturday night. Here? I know four people, two couples to be more specific. One couple is often off doing their own couple thing (dinners with extended family, romantic movie nights and all that) the others are total stoners who can on occasion be fun to be around but have a tendency to prefer just sitting around getting high and watching TV.

So, I need to meet new people, I need to make some friends but I don't really know how to.

I telecommute full-time (meaning all my contact with co-workers is online or over the phone).
I go to the gym regularly (but honestly, who ever came up with that "meet people at the gym" thing? the most I've ever gotten to know anyone at the gym has been regular short conversations between sets, maybe it's different if you go to one of the expensive gyms that specialize in fad group workouts but that's not really my thing, I lift weights and I prefer to focus on my workout when I'm at the gym).
I was born and raised an atheist (so the standard "get more involved in church activities" advice people always pull out is completely worthless)
I've grown tired of bars and clubs, used to drink pretty much every weekend from age 13 to 24 or so, I've cut back a lot because I just got sick of it. I can still enjoy a good party but these days I just feel like an alien when I go to clubs and bars. Besides, in my home country even most small bars are really loud meat markets (I've lived in other places and noticed they had a slightly less binge-focused drinking culture but that's not where I am now, around here you're an alcoholic if you have a beer after dinner on Tuesday but perfectly normal if you chug a bottle of vodka and chase it down with a six-pack of beer on friday night).

Now, I do have a few hobbies and interests but they're honestly 90+% solitary activities, not social activities (for example, I like reading. But I like reading because I like reading, I'm not interested in reading books I'm not really interested in so I can discuss them with a bunch of other people in a book circle).

Where do I start? I've even looked at some online sites for meeting people (both dating sites and more friend-focused sites) and I've concluded that where I live these just aren't very popular to begin with, not to mention there are major compatibility issues (Example: OkCupid, all my top matches (which seem to actually be people I find interesting) are in other countries, the best match percentage I get within a 250 km radius of my current location is 76%, in California there are tons of women that match me 98+% according to OkCupid. Now, I'm not claiming their match algorithm is perfect but this should give you an idea of the selection online for meeting people around here. Mostly the dating sites are filled with women in the 40s and 50s and HS drop-out single moms with insanely high and seemingly arbitrary standards (which I, a physically fit single guy with five years of university studies hilariously enough don't measure up to).

I just don't really know where to start, I've moved around a lot in the past but then I've always had some "in". Either a local gf, co-workers, some old friend who moved there to study or work before me or something else that gave me a chance to meet new people but here I just feel like I'm sitting at home all day when I'm not grocery shopping or at the gym (and it should be mentioned that I live far north enough that between September and April you probably don't want to spend too much time outdoors).

I'm just not used to spending whole weeks at a time not meeting other people (other than minor chitchat with the cashier at the grocery store or someone at the gym between sets). Sure, I've never been big on socializing with people every day like my life depended on it either (like my latest ex-gf, if she had to be alone for more than a couple of hours she started going slightly crazy, her friends were similar) but at the very least I'd like to meet up over a beer or two on friday or saturday. Preferably also hang out with someone during the week. But now? It's been eight days since I saw any of the four people I know here (stoner dude came over for about an hour), before that? another six days with no human contact. Only contact I have with people right now is online or over the phone...

So, where do I start? what do I do? I'm starting to get that "I just don't fucking care anymore, might as well just fill a backpack and gtfo and go somewhere warm because my life is starting to suck really badly" vibe...

 

[Wyld 4 X]

If you are serious, please register and join BL. I'd rather not waste my insight on a drive by poster.

 

[patra]

Any leagues or teams you can join? Football/Soccer, poker, etc?

What about volunteer work - at a soup kitchen, animal shelter, local non-profit, mentoring children? Or joining some kind of volunteer advocacy group related to something you're interested in?

Coaching a kid's sport? You could get to know the parents.

Taking a class on something you're interested in at a local community college.

Meetup.com? I know you said you tried OkCupid & stuff, but there might be some meetup activities not too far from you.

I know this situation well, it can be rough moving somewhere & then feeling like you have to make a really intense effort just to have acquaintances around. It's usually worth the effort though, once you push yourself to try to do more group-oriented things, open up a bit and find a few people that are worth your time.

 

[herbavore]

It definitely gets harder to meet people without, as you say, some "in" once you are through school. The best way to do it IMO is to follow your own interests without the express purpose of meeting people--then it just seems to happen organically and it already has substance (a shared interest). If there are things that you have always wanted to try but were self-conscious--try them! (I'm thinking dance, an instrument, a painting class, etc.) What about a language class? Everybody is usually very vulnerable when learning a new language and it breaks down a lot of barriers; plus there are plenty of opportunities to get together with a small group from the class to study, practice, etc.

Volunteering is a really good suggestion because it holds all the same opportunities as what I proposed but it helps the community at the same time. Good luck and be brave!

 

[Wolfmans_BrothEr]

^it gets harder but not impossible

if u like alcohol bars are a great place. u get some liquid courage in u, as with everyone else, then eventually u guys get to talking and a friendship develops

i moved up to maine for a few months with some girl. after a few weeks she left me lol. so im basically stuck somewhere that i dont know anyone with my dick in my hand. but eventually i had a bunch of friends. i knew all the local bartenders, patrons, etc,

plus the whole way with how i ended up there made for a good story to tell people. between going out on the weekends and talking to people at my job i made quite a few friends. the main thing is just putting urself out there and understanding you wont become friends over night. once people tend to see u around 3 or 4 times theyll warm up to u when they realize ur a "local" sort-o-speak.

where did u move to mayb we can get drunk together?!

 

[bingey]

I think it's normal as a man to get less "friendly" and consequently friends as you grow older. In my experience the only people who have really qualified as friends were childhood/teenage friends. Consequently I advise you to focus on the relationship, a woman is all you need and most likely will have an extensive circle of friends that you will probably quickly grow tired off , but thats for later. Good Luck!