Smokes Widow
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 9, 2016
- Messages
- 1
I ran across bluelight while searching for information regarding bereavement and coping behaviors. My husband died unexpectedly 9 months ago. We had a rather intensely loving relationship and since he died I've had periods where I seriously wanted to get drunk out of my mind or pop every pill in the house to stop the pain of losing him from eating me alive. The first two months it was all I could do to not run out and find someone to have sex with for the same reason. I knew it wouldn't help, I knew it wouldn't be him, I knew it was the last thing he'd want me to do to myself and somehow I have managed. I stopped eating for several months anything but the barest of food to stay alive, now I eat to comfort myself and I've put on 15 lbs. I just feel like I'm in a tailspin and my desires put me out on the weird end of life, where my friends from church and social groups don't seem to go. My husband was the perfect pervert for me, we were so good together but I realize since he died that many of my biggest weaknesses I didn't resolve or overcome, I simply didn't have to deal with them because he was there. He handled it, and me. Now I feel like I"ve not only lost the love of my life, my paternal guide, my lover, my best friend, my confidante but I've lost my financial security, my anxiety releaser, my comforter, my way forward. He was my reason for living. My entire life was in service to him, with him, for us. I feel completely lost and useless now. It doesn't help that everyone else sees me as confident, loud, assertive...they have no idea who I really am inside. How very unsure I am. How close to collapse.
I've managed to control most of these desires and not do something irrevocably stupid, but it's coming. That day when I just can't anymore. I feel it.
I thought maybe if I could find somewhere to talk openly where I wasn't risking my reputation and job by speaking honestly, it might buy me some more time to learn what I need to learn.
Does any of that make sense?
I've managed to control most of these desires and not do something irrevocably stupid, but it's coming. That day when I just can't anymore. I feel it.
I thought maybe if I could find somewhere to talk openly where I wasn't risking my reputation and job by speaking honestly, it might buy me some more time to learn what I need to learn.
Does any of that make sense?
