New here, trying to stay clean!

[MiraLuv]

Hi everyone! I am new to posting but have been reading for a long time. Anyways i am trying to commit my life to staying clean. I have been at this on and off since jan of 2001 when my family first caught me with pills ( opiates n benzos) my family is strict we are Roma or Gypsie. They have sent me to rehab about 6 times. I am now a single mom and came close to losing everything! My son and my home. My parents own the home i live in with my son. I have to stay clean to live here. I want to stay clean so bad. I have not used in 13 days. The last thing i used was 15 mg of valium. I took a drug test that my father gave me yesterday and it still showed a positive for benzos. I get another one next monday. I really hope it is gone by then. I took one dose of it. Not everyday. I know i cant ask about drug tests so i will drop that fact. I have been going to AA meetings. I just need to keep it up and not isolate. I realize how much i have to lose and it scares me so bad! I deleted numbers out of my phone but this one dealer tried to contact me just incase i changed my mind! Uhh! I really need to find a job too but im just starting to feel better. I got depressed and i was telling my self i need pills to help me do stuff like shopping cleaning socializing. I had some minor opiate withdrawls week one now im feeling mentally and physicly better. I got layed off from my job in april so im on unemployment but i need to get a job soon. Anyone have any suggestions for me? Thank you!

 

[MiraLuv]

Anyone?

 

[manicmama]

Hi,

I've never had an addiction to benzos or opiates, but was a daily user of coke which I thought made my life more bearable.
I believe the extent of my coke use made my bipolar worse, I lost residency of my son to his dad, I ran up 15 grand of debt and ended up pregnant and alone.
I stayed of drugs throughout the pregnancy, got mental health help, moved home with mum and dad and got granted half the school holidays with my eldest - 7 wks a year, shit but better than nothing.
My drug use resumed after birth of my 2nd son, but only occassionally. Then I discovered another stim, which am using daily, I don't want to, but I am beyond heartbroke at my boy not being with me, and I feel it helps me function 'normally' to look after my other son.
I want to come off as I'm scared it's doing me serious harm mixing with my bipolar meds, but I don't know how else to get through the days remaining positive for my youngest.
If I had not abused drugs in the 1st place I believe my bipolar would not have become so severe, and there's a good chance I wouldn't have lost custody of my eldest.
Imagine the worst pain you've ever felt and x it by 1000 - and that still doesn't come close to what I felt seeing my boy screaming mama, mama, as his dad took him away and there was nothing I could do about it, I feel it everytime he's at mine and asks why do I not love him enough to live with him, when he says he doesn't want to go home, he wants to stay with me forever, when I've returned from taking him back to his dads and his baby brother is shouting his name and looking for him and everytime I think. I will never be happy until I get my son back, in 3 years time the court listen to what he wants, 3 years is a long time to a little boy and there's a good chance he would rather stay at his dads by then.
I could've avoided this if I had stayed away from drugs, and now I'm using them to ease the pain from the grief they helped create, which is utter stupidity I know.
I would sell my soul to the devil to get my son back, to go back in time and never, ever touch a single substance - even paracetamol. I will NEVER forgive myself.
Please, please believe me when I tell you if you lose your boy you would wish yourself dead, no drug on this earth will relieve you of the pain, you would merely exist.
You have your son, if you do drugs you will lose your home and likely your son removed from your care as you would be deemed unable to provide stability. Whatever the reason you feel the need to use drugs, it cannot be worse than what you would feel if you lost your son.
Stick with AA, see a doctor, a psychiatrist, a counsellor etc. Go to church, take up a hobby, join a mother and child group. Anything that helps take your mind off using, because believe me, you never want to feel how I do.
Your son should be the most precious thing in your life, worth more than anything a drug can offer you. Take my word for it. You don't want to find that out the hard way like I have.
Good luck.

 

[herbavore]

Miraluv, welcome and hooray for you! Have you gotten a sponsor yet? You are definitely on the right track as far as not wanting to isolate. Being a single mom there may be programs available for you through your county (are you in the U.S.?) that are specifically designed for parents in recovery. There are also parenting support groups that might put you in contact with people in similar situations that could give you support. I know when my kids were young it was so easy to feel isolated and alone. Everything is so much more manageable when you have someone else to laugh about it with.

TDS can be a great support for you, too. Just be aware that you can be triggered to use here. We try to do the best we can to edit out any content that we think could be triggering but it's different for everyone so you have to be aware of that for yourself as well. There are lots of single parents here on TDS so jump in to the social threads and get to know people. Once again, welcome!

 

[MiraLuv]

@ manicmama, thank you soo much for that! I needed to hear what you wrote! I would not be able to function if my baby was gone. It came so close to happening. I am grateful for the second chance i got. I am happy im not having strong cravings. I think im too afraid of what i almost lost. I am enjoying getting out and getting to a meeting almost daily for an hour. Thank you again for sharing that with me. Good luck to you too.
@Herbavore. Thank you yes i am in the US i live in illinois. Im looking for a sponsor and trying to keep in touch with the woman also. Thank you guys oh and manic I see a therspist and psych i a dx with borderline personality disorder and ednos. Im rxd seroquel anyway im looking forward to getting to know some people here

 

[manicmama]

Good luck hunni, seroquel's good stuff for a lot of people in my support group so I hope it works for you too. You CAN do this, whenever you feel weak look at your boy and imagine not having him - if you still feel tempted, shout on here. I'm taking comfort that there are people who've been in worse situations than mine that are now clean AND happy, gives me hope for the future.
Wishing you and your boy a very healthy, happy life together xx

 

[Missykins]

having a sponsor makes a huge difference. You need someone to call before you use.

 

[MiraLuv]

Thanks hun!!

 

[deaf eye]

i was deep into opiates and benzos , on the 17th of june ~ i will have 4 months, but 13 days is a long time, congrats```` if i had to throw my phones out , cuz i would get a little bit of clean time, dealer would call, i would tell him nah im good, then i would be coming home from a meeting and go pick up,

follow the 8 suggestions of NA

and stay away from the drug forums on here, if you can,